Rewards Work Better Than Threats

Do you ever realize you've been going about things all wrong? Yeah, me neither. It was just a hypothetical question...

Mike went through a phase of giving the kids the threat of a consequence after asking them to do something. (For example, "Get upstairs and get dressed for bed right now or no stories.") My approach is to just simply make the request and expect them to do it without a threat. If they don't, there is a consequence, they don't always need to know what it is. Of course I'm pretty consistent, so it's fairly predictable. The problem I had with Mike's approach was that I didn't want the kids to eventually get to the point where they'd look at me and say, "...or what?" Mike has really gotten better about making his requests without threats and expecting the kids to comply. And they usually do. Not every time and certainly not as quickly as we'd always like, but they're basically compliant kids and are (thankfully) both out of the blank-stare-of-defiance stage.

All of that said, we've recently been using a different incentive system other than the Accountable Kids program that I always rave about. The "tickets" in that system were losing their value for Ryan and we needed a quick fix for some issues we were working on.

So I developed the ever-faithful cash-based incentive program. Yes, you read that right - I shamelessly pay my kids to behave. We pay in dimes and they turn in their dimes for gum, lollipops, and if they save up 10 dimes, we go to the dollar store or the $1 bins at Target and they buy any toy they want. I keep the dimes in juice glasses on the counter with each glass labeled.

Not only do we give dimes for random acts of kindness (sharing a bite of a coveted cookie, helping with extra chores, and most importantly, intermittently rewarding them for immediate compliance when asked to do something) but we also use this to correct certain behaviors. For instance, Ryan gets a dime every time he puts down the toilet lid and Kaylin gets a dime for returning the hand towel to the rack after washing her hands, instead of throwing it on the floor. Once something becomes a habit, we back off from giving them dimes and move on to a new habit we'd like to teach.

I've even gone so far as to pay the kids to try a new food. And now Ryan will eat cucumbers for free...

Recently, we've been working on staying seated at the table during meals. Kaylin has no problem with this, but Ryan finds any and every excuse to get up and roam the house before finishing a meal. He can get up to go potty or get himself a drink, but he needs to ask to be excused first if he wants the dime at the end. He also needs to ask to be excused when he's done and bring his plate to the sink. Again, we're trying to create good habits.

For some reason, our successful little reward system never occurred to me when trying to get the kids to stay in bed at night. Kaylin is at the age where she stalls nightly...needing a drink, another hug, to go potty, she's scared the Big Bad Wolf might be in her room, you name it. Ryan hears her voice and comes out with his own excuses and before we know it, bedtime is extended by an hour. It drives me nuts.

Earlier this week, Mike suggested that we give each kid a dime if they don't come out of their rooms or call our name after we turn off the lights. DUH! It was genius! I have no clue why I never thought of it, maybe because my brain is so fried by bedtime that I'm not thinking clearly. Well, it worked like a charm. Not every night with both kids, but when they "forget," they are bummed in the morning watching their sibling get a reward for staying in bed.

This has been so successful that I tried it for the first time with a sleepover last night. I've tried everything to get them to stay quiet when bunking up in Ryan's room and at least half the time, we end up separating them. I have some rules to help them be successful and we review them together beforehand. (only use soft voices, head stays on the pillow, no shushing the other person - ignore them if you're ready to go to sleep, don't wake your sibling up in the morning to play - wait for them to wake up on their own, if you have to go potty sneak out of the room as quietly as possible, blah blah blah) It still never worked. Ryan would do or say something to get Kaylin all riled up, Kaylin would sing at the top of her voice to annoy Ryan, they just antagonize each other to death.

But last night I didn't hear a peep. Not one word. I bribed them with TWO dimes each and the experience was a breeze. So my new method will be to bribe the kids with a reward instead of threatening to separate them if, if, if. Eureka!

As dumb as I feel for not trying this sooner, I'm equally as relieved that SOMEthing is working. And am thrilled that it finally occurred to Mike to suggest it. That's why we were never meant to do this parenting thing alone...two heads are better than one!