Even if you discovered that Baby Wise didn't work for your parenting style for your infant, you've gotta read these ideas. In our new effort to read more, last night before bed, I continued reading "Bringing Up Boys" and Mike continued reading "Child Wise." When we came upon something interesting we read it aloud to the other. (for me, it was kind of a fun parental bonding experience)
Since blogging about Ryan getting in trouble at school, we've heard some great advice. We had a neighbor over to play last night and realized that unfortunately, not much has changed. I figured out that most of the advice wasn't action-oriented. School starts back up tomorrow and I'm a little worried that Ryan hasn't made as much progress as I'd hoped during Christmas break. His newest thing is saying, "No," outright when we ask him to do something. We're trying desperately to figure out how to effectively change Ryan's recent behavior and have read some amazing ideas recently. Here are a few:
- Require a "Yes, Mom" or "Yes Dad" when you call your child's name or make a request. I grew up with this rule. It creates a verbal commitment from the child (to you and even to themselves) and respectfully lets you know that they actually heard what you said. That's all fine and good, but how do you get everyone in this new habit? The book suggested making it a game. This morning, we told Ryan that every time we say his name, he needs to respond with, "Yes Mom" or "Yes Dad" and come right to us. When he does, he gets a huge hug. We practiced a dozen times or so (each taking turns, including him calling us) and he thought it was the greatest thing ever. We told him that the game would continue throughout the day. Of course, he forgot after a while, but instead of, "Whu-ut?" or silence when we said his name, it's been, "Whu-ut? I mean...yes Mom!" and he'd come running for his hug. And when he forgets, we just remind him. The transition will come tonight when we explain that this new game will now be our new rule. Not only when we call his name, but also when we ask him to do something. One of his biggest problems lately has been listening and following directions, so this idea is going to be huge for us. It will actually take some re-training on our part, as parents, to remember the new rule, too. So we'll see how well this goes!
- Mike was hit hard by a section of the book dedicated to telling your child what TO DO and not what NOT to do. This is going to require a complete transformation in how Mike speaks and thinks. I hear him tell the kids what not to do a lot and we agreed that I could gently remind him by saying, "Is there another way that could be phrased?" I'm pretty excited about this one because I know the positive implications of guiding kids in the right direction instead of constantly pre-warning them not to do undesired behaviors.
- Another thing Mike is going to have to practice is telling, not asking. Often, he'll say, "Are you ready for bed?" instead of "It's time to go to bed." That leaves room for a yes or no answer and how fair is it if Ryan answers, "No, I'm not ready," and we say, "Too bad, it's time for bed."
- We learned of a new twist on something we've done for a while. If we're talking and Ryan wants to say something, instead of saying, "Mommy?" over and over or interrupting, we have him put his hand on our arm to let us know that he wants to talk. The book suggested taking it a step further and then putting our hand on his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze to acknowledge that we know he wants to talk. It seems simple, but so often, Ryan puts his hand on my arm then blurts out what he wants to say. After all, he's still three. And we're working on self-control...it will take a while!
- When kids do or don't do something that may be embarrassing or disrespectful to others, the book suggested simply saying to the other person, "We're working on that." For instance, if someone pays your child a compliment and they stare at them silently or run away, instead of dismissing it with, "He's just shy," or trying to get him to say, "Thank you," (more than a quick reminder) just apologize and say, "We're working on that." This doesn't happen too terribly often with Ryan, but with his recent issue of not listening, it can sometimes be embarrassing for us that he acts up or blatently ignores requests when there's an audience. Instead of going into a long, drawn out explanation, now it will simply be, "We're working on that." It can be used for not sharing at play dates, cutting in front of someone on the slide at the park, so many different instances. You're not excusing the behavior, just saving the correction for later in the car or at home. Then use the opportunity to explain how the child is expected to act/respond/behave in the future in those certain social situations.
- This last one is something I do periodically and something I intend to do each day on the way to school: review the rules or expected behavior before the situation arises. The example the book gave was this: as you go into a store with breakable items, say, "Don't touch anything unless I give you permission." On the way to school, I plan to go over the rules and remind Ryan that he needs to listen and obey his teacher, even when his friends may not, and that he needs to be a good example to others. Last year, I used to get SO frustrated with Ryan at Trader Joe's. They have mini shopping carts that kids love, but Ryan would take off running with them, running into other shoppers' heels and getting out of my line of sight. Then he would throw a fit when it was time to return the cart and go home. I tried cutting him off from his cart, punishing him, taking away privileges, I felt like I tried everything. Then one day, we sat in the car before going inside and I turned around and laid down the law. "I will let you push the little cart only if you stay near Mommy. You need to stay where I can see you and walk, not run. If you want to put something in your cart, you have to ask me first and when I say, 'It's time to leave,' you will walk over and put your cart away without any tantrums, then come right back and stand next to me in line. Do you understand?" I remember that Ryan was two at the time (because I had just had Kaylin), but he understood every word I said. That changed everything and I haven't had a single problem at TJ's since.
I hope some of these ideas are helpful for you and your family. I'm really encouraged that being proactive about this process will help Ryan make good choices from now on. Not all the time, but more often at least!
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