Death to Super Mom

Wanna know a secret? I have gone through periods of wanting to be Super Mom. (*gasp*) Able to emerge from a phone booth with a beautifully lattice-topped pie! Able to leap large piles of folded laundry in a single bound!!  My cape would be an embroidered apron, worn backward.

Maybe it's the Type-A in me. Maybe it's because I like the occasional nod from others on a job well done. Maybe it's because I'm an only child and am an attention-hog at heart. 

Regardless, attempting to be Super Mom is a pride issue, whatever the actual reason. I feel like I've gotten better over the years, but I'm sure I still have a long way to go. I need to intentionally get out of "that mode" and focus on what really matters: the hearts of my children and my relationship with them. 

I know I've come pretty far on this journey. Ryan's birthday party is tonight and, although he chose a Clash of Clans "theme", do you know how much planning I've done? Exactly none. He wants Little Caeser's pizza for his friends…easy. He wants bowls full of horrible, processed snacks…fine. He wants a layered cake with gobs of frosting…done. 

We will have no color-themed table cloths or paper plates, no games or activities, in fact, I completely forgot about party favors until this very minute. (Uh, oops!) All he wants to do is hang out with his friends, play video games and gorge on junk food. Quite different from his Carnival-themed 5th birthday party with popcorn bucket cupcakes, volunteers to run the games, and face-painting clowns, wouldn't you agree?

It's great to make memories, it's okay to like things orderly, it's even fine to get a little over-the-top crafty from time to time, but we should all check our motives. Who are we trying to impress? How will our mood change if things don't meet our expectations? If a kid has a meltdown at the park…or that awesome new recipe is a flop at the BBQ…or if our house isn't immaculate when an unexpected guest drops by. What then?

I would challenge each of you to check your motives for doing anything on the Super Mom side of the chart above. Personally, I'm claiming DEATH to my internal Super Mom!!!

Creating Character by Focusing on the Heart

I'm going to be honest: These last few weeks have been rough. I'm not sure if the problem is that the kids aren't doing well without the structure of a school schedule…or if it's actually (through clenched teeth) ME. 

I've spent so much time thinking about what is going wrong and how I can better handle it…nothing I do to help correct the situation seems to make a difference. I think I figured out that the root of the issue is the fact that the older kids have so many friends to play with (now that school is out for summer) that Jason seems to be lost in the shuffle. His playmates no longer give him the time of day, so he acts out to get negative attention. (Just to name a few examples: cheating at games, boldly lying, whining and crying when he doesn't get his way, even walking alone to a friend's house after I specifically said he would need to be walked over by a sibling because it was too far.)

It feels like I've been taking away everything of value to get everyone's attention: screen time, friends, I even told Jason he couldn't go to his beloved soccer practice one night because I just couldn't handle his attitude anymore. I gave him dinner in his room and told him I'd see him in the morning. 

I was out of ideas. 

Finally, I sat all of the kids on the couch and we talked about character traits that we should have as Christians: Kindness. Self-Control. Honesty. Obedience. What are they? Why are the important? I asked each child to pick one to work on. The conversation ended with Jason sent to his room, me yelling at the older kids, and I was in tears. What was I doing wrong?!?!

Then I found this article, which basically said that punishment does not change behavior. Interesting…and it clicked!

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that parents with multiple children aren't constantly grounding their kids from friends or screen time for a day or a week…I was losing track of who was restricted from what just with two of my kids!!!

Then what do I do? I felt as if I've lost control as the parent.

Until I remembered Kevin Lehman's book "Have a New Kid by Friday". There wasn't enough time to re-read the entire book, but I remembered that I had blogged about the highlights years ago. It was exactly what I needed. 

I was spending so much time punishing my kids into good behavior (and wondering why it wasn't working) that I wasn't focusing on their hearts. Sure, they may behave for a while after they had their freedoms back, but their reasoning was to avoid getting in trouble again, not because it was the right thing to do. 

So I'm taking a different approach. I'm going to stop punishing my kids for bad attitudes, disobedience, and poor choices. Instead, I'm going to sit down and talk to them about what they did wrong, why it was wrong and help guide them into coming up with a better alternative for next time. I'm also intentionally going to focus on encouraging my kids in the things they're doing right instead of focusing only on what they are doing wrong. I've been wanting to cross that item off my 101 in 1001 list for months! Last, I'm committing to pray for them daily. Every morning, before I get out of bed, I'm handing control of this whole mess over to God. He's much better at dealing with it than I am!!!

This new method is taking much more time and energy, but I am positive it will be worth it in the long run. I'm already seeing small, but encouraging, results!

Finding the Rhythm of Our Summer

On June 1st, we began our "summer break" from school. Without any transition time, we just shut school OFF. The sudden change did not meet my expectations at all.

The doorbell rang constantly throughout the day. 

The kids immediately forgot how to play with each other or even within the walls of our home. 

There was no routine. 

No schedule. 

Griping and complaining when I'd need to run errands or take the kids with me anywhere. 

By the end of the first week, I couldn't handle it anymore. I wasn't able to get anything productive done, the kids were discontent all the time, everyone was getting on each others' nerves, it was a mess. 

I made a new rule: no friends until after lunch. You would have thought that I had announced that we were never going to leave the house again! But it was the only way to save my sanity. I cut 5 hours off of their (assumed) 12 hour play day and instantly got the impression that I had ruined their lives. But my mind was made up: We could spend the mornings going to the gym, running errands, getting chores done and doing a little reading, then after lunch was cleaned up, they could be free to roam the neighborhood. Boom, done.

It's been working out pretty well, so far. The kids have learned to play together again, I've instituted the routine of making a daily list, and on that list, they must play with their siblings and get along without fighting before I'll allow them to play with friends. It's a wonderful motivator. 

Jason has been struggling to get along with Ryan and Kaylin, so there have been a few days where he's been grounded. I'm trying to help him learn to play independently without the need for constant entertainment, but that's hard for the youngest child. I'll play Go Fish, Chinese Checkers or Sorry with him, but not all day.

Something else I had the kids do was to pick 4 books off of an age-appropriate reading list and I reserved them at the library. I'm hoping to broaden their reading horizons a little, plus, it gives them something new and different to read for the Summer Reading Challenge at the library. They're suddenly REALLY into earning points and stopped groaning at the idea of reading, knowing there are prizes involved. Thanks, Phoenix Public Library!!!

We're not taking the whole summer off…we never do. After 4th of July, we'll be back at it again. Personally, I'm looking forward to the structure again. In the meantime, the kids don't know that they're continuing to learn by watching science videos online, learning to draw by watching YouTube videos, learning to cooperate and follow directions by playing board games together, and increasing their reading speed by reading daily. Long live summer!

5 Steps to a Clean Bedroom in 10 Minutes

I recently read this hilarious post with tips on how to get your kids to clean their bedroom in just 10 minutes. Impossible? Read on and try it yourself. I'm simplifying the steps here for my future reference.

Step 1: Clear and Make the Bed (1-2 minutes) - the room will look neater already!

Step 2: Put All Clothes on the Bed (2 minutes) - don't sort, just pile them up. Yes, on the nice, neat bed.

Step 3: Gather Items that Belong IN the Room (2 minutes) - put in a basket to put away afterward

Step 4: Get Rid of the Garbage (2 minutes) - and collect items that do NOT belong in the room

Step 5: Separate the Clothing (2 minutes) - put clean clothes away, dirty clothes in the hamper

Here's a problem though…if there's not a place for everything in your child's room, they will never know where to put certain things. For instance, in Jason's new room, I dumped out a bunch of stuffed animals to use the mesh basket for his laundry hamper. There is now a pile of stuffed animals in the corner. Do they belong in his room? Probably not, but we no longer have a playroom, so I have no idea where to put them. That is a problem I need to solve in order for his room to be "clean".

Reduce Summer Stress with a Daily LIST

I love getting random ideas that help my family!  Last night, I was watching a new show on TLC, when I heard the dad tell his kids to "make a list". They had things to do and, instead of telling them what to do or making the list for them, he had THEM make their OWN list. He approved it, sent them on their way, then told the camera that he, "...loves being the 'Yes Man'" and just wants to be the rubber stamper. No micromanaging? No begging, bribing, or nagging? Genius!

This morning, I tried it on my kids. I took Jason to run errands and left the big kids at home to do their chores and get started on their schoolwork. Before I left, I had them make a list.

I learned from this dad that "clean the kitchen" wasn't specific enough, so I forewarned them that they'd need to include details like, "Load the dishwasher, wipe counters, vacuum under the table", etc.

By making their own list, I believe my kids will learn responsibility, independence and (hopefully) won't be as resentful for the work they're given. 

After I got home, almost everything was done and my kids were beaming with pride. By making a daily list, I really think they'll learn to have a sense of accomplishment after each item is crossed off and an end to the work, instead of constantly having to check in with me or, worse, feeling micromanaged and nagged after every little task.

With everyone getting out of school this month, I think this list thing is going to be the way to go in our family. We're only taking a month off of homeschooling, not the whole summer, so the kids can know that they will need to make a list and get it all done before playing with friends. And maybe this will keep the doorbell from ringing at 8:15am for weeks on end while we're trying to tackle spelling words!

Getting the Kids Involved in ALL THOSE Pinterest Ideas

I recently found a great blog post about 8 Genius Ideas for your Homeschool. The list was great, whether you homeschool or not. We already do a couple of the ideas, but I think we're going to incorporate the first one: "Home Ec Day". 

It got me thinking about an idea of my own I came up with recently. I have so many great blog posts and articles pinned on my Pinterest board, but sometimes have trouble fitting in fun things like science experiments and craft projects. 

So I've made my kids responsible for them. 

Once a week, 10-year old Ryan looks through my "Weird Science" Pinterest Board and picks an experiment that he wants to do with the kids. He's in charge of preparing it and gathering the supplies. Then Kaylin, my 8-year old budding artist, is in charge of planning a craft for her brothers. 

While Ryan or Kaylin is in charge, their siblings practice taking direction from them, listening to instructions, and showing them respect. 

Now all I have to do is find something for Jason to be in charge of so he can have a sense of control in his little life!

(if you're interested in following me on Pinterest, click here)

A Perspective on Parenthood

I've seen this floating around online, but just in case you haven't taken time to watch it, please do. It might help you get through the exhausting week of motherhood that lies ahead. Go hug your kids and appreciate whatever phase they're in, because it will be over too soon!

Detoxing my Sugar-Addicted Family

It is no secret that my family loves dessert. I love to bake, Mike is an ice-cream-o-holic, and our children…well, they've been doomed from the beginning.

But recently, I've been less than amused by the constant longing…craving…of sweets whenever possible. The boys, in particular, hone in on the 1% of our pantry which is sugar-laden treats. Rice Krispie Treats are gobbled up in less than a day, cookies and brownies don't stand a chance in our house, it's ridiculous. And I'm no better than the little addicts I've created.

Since our Christmastime bake-fest, I've significantly cut back on making desserts and have stopped buying any and all snacks containing sugar. For our morning snack, we generally have fruit or Greek yogurt, afternoon snacks are mostly vegetables and hummus or chips and salsa. No more granola bars, no more trail mix (Jason didn't think I noticed that he only ate the M&Ms), no more.

We haven't been perfect (most of January has consisted of traveling and getting back into our routine) but things were improving. Kind of.

Then we went to a Super Bowl party yesterday. There was pizza, 7-layer bean dip, potato chips, veggies and dip, mixed nuts, guacamole and salsa…plenty of savory (even gluten free) options. But it wasn't good enough. Where did the attention of my children fall? On the cupcakes and bowl of Valentine M&Ms. Most kids are drawn to the sweet stuff...I get it! I'm right there with 'em. But seriously, it was like a moth to a flame, if moths were allowed to beg, plead, negotiate, and whine for fire. I was appalled at the depth of their sugar addiction.

So this morning, I took a different approach. Instead of banning, restricting, lecturing teaching them about the harmful effects on their bodies, and preaching to them about making "healthy choices", I searched on You Tube for "the effects of sugar on the body" and showed my kids a couple of videos. 

And IT WORKED!!!

They pulled out our cereal boxes and compared the Nutrition Facts on the Go Lean vs. the Joe's O's. They created charts of what they'd eaten so far today and we looked up the calories and sugar, continuing to track them for the rest of the day. By the end of dinner, the kids had only eaten 5 grams of their maximum daily recommended 16 grams of processed sugar. (We didn't track the sugars in unboxed foods like fruits, veggies, and meat) So what did they do? Grabbed a {1 gram of sugar} chocolate covered almond, ate a {5 grams of sugar} Dove dark chocolate, and finished their dinner by slicing up an apple. 

I was so proud!

Now let's see if we can continue this trend tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.

Neat Freak Rule #79: Find Something That Needs to be Done and DO IT (Teaching Initiative)

With Christmas creeping up on us like a freight train, my house has been in complete disarray. Bags with gifts that need to be hidden and wrapped, random toys and blankets and items strung all over the house, shoes kicked off, coats on the floor, not to mention incoming Christmas cards and cookie platters from neighbors…sometimes I look around and want to freak out. 

But I don't. On the outside.

Instead, from time to time, I have the kids stop what they're doing and ask them to spend 5 minutes picking up. If I'm not in the mood to bark orders, I'll tell them to "find something that needs to be done and do it." 

Most of the time I delegate: "Ryan...please take out the trash and recycle bins, Kaylin…empty the dishwasher, Jason…put away this pile of laundry." But it occurred to me recently that they might not see the mess that I see because I'm always micromanaging HOW and WHAT they clean. Is it possible to train their eyes to see what I see? 

I have no idea, but I'm going to try. The first few times I heard, "Everything's done!" before they'd even started. Now that they realize I'm not letting them off the hook that easily, they take more initiative to find things to pick up, put away, load/unload, or otherwise tidy.  

Considering the fact that I'm not the primary one making these completely unnecessary messes (*cough* JASON *cough*), I don't feel the need to constantly be tidying what others destroy. Until everyone is officially in the habit of picking up after themselves (will that day EVER come?) then we all need to tackle the tasks together. Plus, it goes faster when everyone pitches in!

Ryan's Cooking Class Binder

Phase one of Ryan's Life Skills Binder is complete! I compiled a binder that has everything I need to teach him the chemistry of baking and how to follow a recipe. Each recipe will be prepared three times: he'll watch once while I make it, then he'll make it while I watch, finally he'll make the item on his own.

Then, just like in the original idea, when he completes our "classes", he gets to invite over some friends for a party where he'll prepare 6-8 of the recipes himself and celebrate with his guests. How fun does that sound??? 

Here are the recipes I included in the baking section. After his baking party, we'll move on to learning breakfast and dinner recipes/techniques because those are a little less concrete. (I already chose our "syllabus" for those classes and included them below. The dinner items are all easy enough to teach the basics, which hopefully will translate over into most other recipes.)

Baking
Granola (minus the wheat germ)
Granola Bars (also minus the wheat germ)
Gluten-Free Banana Bread
Chocolate Cake
Homemade Frosting
Alton Brown's Chocolate Chip Cookies
No-Bake Paleo Cookies
Gluten-Free Brownies
Monkey Munch
Homemade Bread (either Olive Oil Bread or Whole Wheat Bread)
Gluten-Free, Grain-Free Muffins
Apple Pie
Whipped Cream

Breakfast
Eggs - fried
Eggs - scrambled
Eggs - omelets
Eggs - Dad's concoction
Oatmeal
Pancakes
French Toast
Smoothies

Dinner
Chili
White Chicken Chili in the crock pot
Chicken Noodle Soup
Vegetable Soup
Tacos (with homemade, clean eating taco seasoning)
Chicken Enchilada Crustless Quiche
Chicken Fried Rice
Meatloaf/Meatballs
Mashed Potatoes
Rice
Hummus (not dinner, but I want to teach him anyway)

I can't wait to get started!!! My responsibilities are clearly dwindling as the kids grow up. I can see it now: "Ryan, could you please go get dinner started? The defrosted chicken is in the fridge." Soon my role in this family will be all but obsolete. (Mwahaha...)

Inspired: Life Skills Binder

My kids have really had to bring their A-game lately. My wrist will be in this dumb cast for another 2+ weeks, yet my household needs to keep running...smoothly, if at all possible. 

Over the past 3 weeks, I've had the time to teach my kids to help me, and help each other, do basic tasks. Dishes, folding laundry, picking up more regularly, working together to carry heavy things...so many big and little things. Kaylin ties Jason's shoes for me and Ryan has even changed soiled sheets. All of this "life training" has been interesting, to say the least. 

This morning, I read a blog post from Simple Homeschool that could take this training to a whole new level. The writer explained that 9 year old son just "graduated" from his cooking class. With his mom. She has formal baking lessons with her kids when they turned 8 years old. This is SO up my ally!!! I was instantly inspired me to put together a "Life Skills Binder" for each child (starting with Ryan) that helps me teach them how to cook, bake, clean properly, etc.

I'm in the process of putting together a cooking class for Ryan. I announced it to him this morning and he was crazy excited! I have a feeling our neighbors are going to benefit from the extra baking going on in our house!!! 

Teaching Kids to do Mom's Chores

I feel crippled. Not to take away from people who are actually crippled and not just temporarily without the use of an appendage, but seriously, it takes me 3-4 times longer to do the simplest of tasks. Not being able to do things for myself and my family is extremely humbling! This unbelievably expensive accidental broken wrist has limited my ability to run a functional household and I've been forced to make some adjustments.

During the week, Mike is really only home and available for a few short hours to help catch up all that has been neglected throughout the day. So, I've had to solicit my tiny little helpers and begin to train them in the ways of major household chores.

Yesterday, Ryan made oatmeal from start to finish all by himself. The last time he attempted that, he walked away from the pot and it overcooked into a hard, cement-like lump in the pot. (That was not very fun to clean by the way!) But yesterday, 100% success. Absolutely delicious and the pride on his face was priceless. He's been making eggs for quite some time, and now that he has the oatmeal formula down, I only need to teach him how to make smoothies and our regular breakfast menu has a competent new mini-chef.

The next big task that needed attention was folding laundry. After cycling two loads of towels the other day, I left the kids to get all the folding done before they were allowed to play with their friends. They came through like champs, and I only had to take a brief moment to teach Ryan how to fold the towels so that they would fit in the cabinet, then teach Kaylin how to fold the kitchen towels so that they were functional and stackable, not "pretty". (I am now wishing that I would've taken a picture of the "pretty" towels before they were refolded…they were a tower of lumps, piled high in a criss-cross pattern.)

The bottom line is this: it's so much easier to do things ourselves. Teaching kids is a painstaking, patience–building process. But when you're in a position that you have no choice, like I am now, you may as well take the time to teach them correctly. So this is the perfect opportunity for me to sit back and monitor new jobs until they are done well.

They've really had to step up, these kids of mine. I don't always thank them as much as I should throughout the day, but I've made sure that every night at bedtime, they know how much I appreciate their hard work and that I acknowledge all that they did that day. Because it's a lot. 

 Maybe this inability to do chores for weeks and weeks is going to turn out okay after all...? 

Battling Attention/Focus Issues with Nutrition

Last week, I mentioned that we took the boys off gluten. Many moms with hyperactive, um, busy children have reported incredible results in behavior when their lifestyles eliminated wheat and gluten. Children with ADD and ADHD who have removed gluten from their diets have been taken off medication while showing vast improvements in following instructions and focusing on daily tasks, chores, and school work.

I wanted to give it a try, even though I didn't understand all of the details. After this weekend, I finally feel like I'm in the loop on WHY it works, not just THAT it works. 

Mike and I spent all day Friday and Saturday at the Arizona Families for Home Education (AFHE) Annual Conference. One of the speakers, Dianne Craft, taught one-hour break-out sessions to cover a variety of learning delays and processing problems. This woman was awesome: she stopped doing personal consultations (people would fly in from all over to see her for just a day) when she realized she was booking out more than 12 months. Now, she teaches to the masses through her website and speaking engagements. She doesn't want kids to wait a year to get the help they need. I was so blessed to hear her speak about topics that are daily struggles in our family.

Her talk about why kids have focus and attention issues was absolutely intriguing. Sure enough, the primary reason for many children has to do with their nutrition. 

I feel like I'm going to be all over the board explaining what I learned this weekend, so I apologize. To hear what I heard, you can go to this website and click on 2013 AFHE Annual Convention (if it's not available now, it should be up later this week) and get the "Kids and Teenagers with Focus/Attention Problems" $4 download. If you struggle the way we do with any kind of learning glitches, daydreaming kids, even picky eaters or kids who are highly sensitive to textures, sounds or tags on their clothing, listening to this download will be a great investment of your money and time. (PS - No, I am not being paid in any way for referring you to her website.)

In the meantime, I'll try to recap some of the highlights for you. Basically, kids with these kinds of issues have an imbalance in their "gut". Maybe they had anti-biotics for ear infections when they were little or you had mastitis while nursing and took anti-biotics yourself. Regardless, the affects are  completely reversible and the results are incredible. 

Many of us know that people, boys especially, don't get enough essential fatty acids and oils. Increasing fish oil (not from Costco or Walmart, by the way - we've been taking the wrong pills) and other natural supplements (to rebalance their "gut") will show amazing improvements when paired with drastically reducing (or eliminating) gluten, processed foods and sugar. She has many supplements that she personally recommends and sells on her website, but she encouraged us to buy them at our local health food store or online if we can find them cheaper. Her heart was to help kids, not to get rich...I am so excited to see if this affects our boys and even me, with my unmedicated ADD. This is her recipe for rebalancing the "gut": 

* Pro-biotics 3 times a day for 3 months to "re-plant" the good stuff that was killed off by anti-biotics. (NOT chewable, liquid or powder and must be refrigerated only - if you get this brand from a discount provider, you will just need to take double the amount of capsules because it will not have been received in freezer packs and has less "life" in it)

* A natural anti-fungal like Grapefruit Seed extract 3 times a day for 3 months to kill the yeast that is fed when gluten and sugar is consumed. Tablets only, not liquid. For children under 6, open the capsule and sprinkle it on something sweet - as long as it gets swallowed, do what works!

* To see the full effects of what healing nutritional deficiencies in children really can do, she also recommended trying the following 3 times a day for 3 months: magnesium (for noise sensitivity, irritability, racing thoughts), 5HTP (the "cooperation" vitamin, insomnia, fear, helps the "Eeyore" personality), EFAs (attention/dyslexia), Orange-Flavored Cod Liver Oil (that is emulsified) for better brain performance. There are recommended brands of all of these in her website store.

Mike is a natural skeptic and even he is on board. We shopped around and placed an order for a bunch of natural supplements that we're going to try. The personal testimonies for various results of this 3 month "plan of attack" were inspiring. Children whose grades improved, some who ate meat for the first time after 5 years because the texture didn't bother them, others whose learning problems were "fixed".

The characteristics of the types of kids this process will help described my (seemingly picky/stubborn) boys to a tee. Things like anger/irritability/aggression, memory problems, bed wetting, chewing on clothing (this is new for Jason), sensitivity to loud noises, sensitivity to tags on clothes or clothes that aren't soft/worn in, seeing more negatives than positives ("it's not fair"), mood swings (I affectionately call Jason my bi-polar boy), sugar/carb cravings - just to name a few. Kids don't exhibit all of the characteristics listed, but I was shocked how many of them described Jason and Ryan.

If you're interested, I'm happy to scan and email a copy of my notes from this lecture, as she doesn't go over all of the hand out verbally in the recording that I linked to above. But seriously, this information was life-changing. Unless, of course, it was all smoke and mirrors and doesn't work at all. In which case, I will humbly retract the praises I have been singing throughout the past several paragraphs.

I truly think this woman is a genius. Or the people who taught her were geniuses and she's just passing along the information. Regardless, I cannot wait to put some of her advice into practice. I normally don't care about the science and reasoning behind why things are the way they are, but hearing her explain the brain and how it works was captivating. Her talk on Training Your Child's Photographic Memory is going to transform how I teach my kids math and spelling. If you're a homeschool mom, be sure to download that recording as well, or at least watch the brief video about her Sight Word Cards on her main webpage. 

I'm so excited to get started with our "new" school year in a few weeks. My kids are going to get their confidence back and fall in love with learning once again!!!

(How's that for optimism?)

How's not yelling going?

Has anyone been wondering how I'm doing with the whole "no yelling" challenge? Well let me tell ya: It's going quite well, thankyouverymuch! Not perfect, but it's rare if I raise my voice once every few days anymore. I think I'm getting a handle on my reactions!

It's a good thing, too. Because I'm seeing different angles of things that used to send me over the edge. For instance, a few weeks ago, I was making dinner and the kids were playing in the garage. All of the elements of dinner were ready to be pulled off the stove at the same time when suddenly, my doorbell rang. Then again. Then againandagainandagainandagain. I knew it was Jason, but instead of swinging the door open and barking, "Stop it. NOW!" I opened the door gently, expecting to calmly squat down and remind him to ring the doorbell only once.

But when the door opened, I found my beaming son with a flower in his hand. "Mommy, I picked this flower JUST for YOU!!!" burst out of his mouth with pride.

(Be still my heart.)

Had I come unglued because of the relentless, back-to-back doorbell ringing, my sweet son would have hung his head and walked away, crushed. That memory would be one of me feeling guilt and shame instead of love and appreciation.

I was proud that I paused and set my frustration aside to use the annoying opportunity as a reminder of courtesy and respect.

Another example that I think I handled well (or at least better than I would have in the past) happened the week after Easter. After his "nap", I walked into Jason's room to find empty eggs and candy wrappers everywhere. Dozens of them.

Me: (inhaling all of the air in the room) "Jason - did you eat all of your Easter candy?!?!?"
Jason: "It wasn't mine."
Me: "I don't care whose it was...did you eat it?"
Jason: "Hmmm..."
Me: (in a warning tone) "Jason Matthew..."
Jason: "I'm not gonna lie...I'm jus' thinkin'..."

I tried to hide my smirk, but he caught me and burst out laughing. How am I supposed to teach this kid lessons when he cracks me up?

At night, Jason is now in the habit of coming out of his room to have me fix his diaper. He calls the closures "the pokes" and he needs me to readjust them after he wiggles around in his bed for a while. This drives Mike nuts. Is he stalling bedtime? Possibly. But when I undo his diaper, it's always red and scratched in the place where he's complaining. He's a big boy and physically, it's time for him to be out of diapers. But, unfortunately for everyone, he's not ready. And diapers don't come in size 7. There's no use getting mad at him for being too big for his diapers. I just expect that he's going to come out of bed every night for me to loosen it a little bit so he can be comfortable for bed. 

It's not always easy to keep my cool and I'm not always able to hold my tongue, but being conscious of my tone and my heart attitude has made a huge difference around here. I want to consistently be in a place of delighting in my kids instead of being put out by them.

Have you taken the "no yelling challenge"? If not, try it today. Then tomorrow. Figure out your triggers and try to eliminate them as much as possible. Take it one day at a time until you retrain yourself to respond differently. It could completely change the tone of your home!

How to Get Kids to Pick Up Their Stuff

Have you ever stepped on a Lego in the dark? Or a Polly Pocket? Or a Barbie high heeled shoe?  

It is no secret that I love a tidy house, but it is nearly impossible to keep up with the tornado of toys all by myself. And we all know my kids will help for a little bit, but there are always straggling pieces and parts laying around the floor at any given time, day or night.

The other day, I met a mom of six with a clean-freak husband who figured out the secret. After all of her kids are in bed, she goes around the house and gathers all of the stray shoes, toys, books and games. She then puts them in her trunk and her kids have to buy them back, $.25 per piece. Shoes? $.25...each. Legos? $.25 each. The only thing safe from her wrath are school books and backpacks. 

If the kids are indifferent to buying back certain items, they know that she donates them to Good Will. It keeps her floor tidy and her house slightly less cluttered.

This is not a new concept, but it's definitely not one that I've tried. Oh, but I will. And I can't wait for the results!  I'll keep you posted.

Stop Yelling by Minimizing Your "Triggers"

A few weeks ago, I was really down. Everyone was bugging me, Mike and the kids couldn't say or do anything right, and I felt really defeated because I genuinely didn't understand what was wrong with my attitude. It seemed like it was all everyone else's fault, until I realized that the common denominator was...me.

Looking back, I now realize that I was burned out and needed to take care of my own needs a little better.  But more obvious is that I was in a place of major discontentment. I have such a great life and I wasn't appreciating any of it! I want to feel joy around my children all day long, not just when I put them to bed at night in anticipation of having a break. I want to love them where they're at, annoyances and all. I don't want to wish away these younger years, but truly cherish the small moments tucked into each day.

As I approached the No Yelling Challenge this week, I tried to analyze what flips my switch between all-is-well and brace-yourselves-for-Mommy's-wrath. Not only do I want to quit being a yelling mom, I want to stop making mountains out of molehills in my own mind. 

This is a staged picture, requested by Ryan, after I found yet another piece of paper from the sticks of butter that Jason "helped" me put into our sugar cookie batter. I'm proud to say that I laughed it off, where as last week I would have really let it bug me, fearing embarrassment from the neighbors we would share the cookies with if THEY found paper in their cookie.

Here are the triggers that tend to set me off...

1. I'm overtired.
2. I'm distracted/concentrating/focused/overwhelmed.
3. We're running late.
4. The kids are bickering.
5. One of the kids is purposely unkind to another.
6. Constant talking and/or repeated questions that I've already answered.
7. A house rule has been broken and they should know better.
8. I haven't been consistent with consequences and the same issue keeps arising again and again.
9. Any outside situation that has caused me stress (an argument with Mike, a call that I shouldn't have taken in the middle of our school day, a decision I'm beating myself up for, rushing to make dinner before Ryan has to go to football practice, etc)

(The OCD part of me really wanted to think long and hard about a #10, but I really think these summarize my triggers. All nine of them. Wow, I must be a DELIGHT to be around!)

Can I control my reactions during the above situations?  YES. I. CAN. But I need an action plan.

Problem: I'm overtired.

Solution: Get to bed earlier! It is just that easy. Except for the minor complication that I'm extremely productive after 9pm. (curses!) Take time to recharge throughout the day and realize that having the kids with me 24/7 is exhausting and that not only do I deserve some "me" time, I will be a better mom for it.

Problem: I'm distracted/concentrating/focused/overwhelmed.

Solution: Plan my time better. Have blocks of time for things like Tastefully Simple, returning phone calls, lesson planning for school. Meal plan to avoid the dinnertime drama. Be present when I am with the kids or explain that I am going to be checked out for a while and that they need to entertain themselves until X:00. Set proper expectations with those around me so they can know what's going on in my head.

Problem: We're running late.

Solution: Plan to leave 15 minutes earlier everywhere we go. Heaven forbid I should ever arrive early! Don't wait until the last minute to fill water bottles, find missing shoes or tidy the kitchen.  Don't try to cram in one more thing before leaving the house.

Problem: The kids are bickering.

Solution: Allow them to work out most of their differences on their own and only referee when absolutely necessary.  If needed, separate them into their own rooms to play alone, take away the toy that they're fighting over, threaten to give them chores if they can't play nicely together. 

Problem: One of the kids is purposely unkind to another.

Solution: I. Hate. This. The mama bear in me comes out with claws sharpened! Clearly, their unkind words or actions reveal a heart attitude that needs to be addressed right then and there. Comfort the wounded and treat the offender with the respect I would give a stranger's child to keep myself from being overly defensive.

Problem: Constant talking and/or repeated questions that I've already answered.

Solution: Enforce the "three questions per car ride" rule. Encourage the kids to tell each other their funny jokes and amazing stories about the ant hill they found at the park. Relax and enjoy my children's quirks and vigor, then when my head feels like it's about to explode, calmly explain that I need some quiet time. Accept the fact that I have three very talkative kids and embrace that they probably get this trait from their mama.

Problem: A house rule has been broken and they should know better.

Solution: Realize that they should not know better. They're still little and they're still learning and they have a lot going on in their busy brains and {for some reason} my rules are not the first thing on their priority lists. Remind them of the rule again. And again. Calmly. Understand that breaking house rules is not a personal attack on me.

Problem: I haven't been consistent with consequences and the same issue keeps arising again and again.

Solution: Be consistent! And work on one major issue at a time (respect, obedience, self control, kindness) instead of overwhelming everyone by expecting perfection. This is something that I'm good at doing during school, but outside of the schoolroom, not so much. 

Problem: Any outside situation that has caused me stress.

Solution: Shelf it. Turn off the ringer and the computer during school time. Cut corners to make life a little easier and a rushed situation less stressful. Pray about it.

Understanding what sets me off and having an action plan have significantly helped me in my quest to avoid raising my voice this week. And I'm even PMSing! So think about it...what are your triggers? 

Parent Challenge: No More Yelling

I don't know when or how I got off my game, but I have once again become a yelling mom. Not always, not even daily, but way. too. often. I've been gradually trying to work on my reactions, but to no avail. When I force a smile and lower my voice and slowly repeat my request to Ryan, he gets a huge mocking smile with wild eyes that I want to slap right off his face.

Clearly, I have anger issues.

I ran across this post on an interesting blog the other day. This mama gave up yelling for a year. Heck, I just wanted to give it up for a week for my 101 Goals in 1001 Days challenge! The post lists the top 10 things she learned from giving up yelling for 365 days.

While peeking around her blog, I discovered that she has four boys under the age of 5. I've used my wild 'n' crazy 3 year old as an excuse for my mommy tantrums, feeling totally justified in my over-exhausted, maxed-out verbal expressions of frustration. Seeing as this gal's boys are more numerous and younger than mine, well to be honest, I felt pretty sheepish.

This all happened on Sunday night.  I woke up Monday morning and announced my plan to the family. "I'm going to try really, really hard to stop yelling...starting today." There. I said it out loud. So I was officially committed to this daunting task!

After lunch, Mike called to see how I was doing with my "no yelling challenge". It was then that I realized that not yelling wasn't as hard as I anticipated. What I was actually struggling with was speaking to my kids in love, even when I was exasperated and at my wits end.

Destructo-boy decided to skip his nap last week and crushed 100 water beads into a jelly-like substance all over Ryan's bedroom carpet. It took everything in me not to come completely unglued by this creative act.

This is the "before" picture of the water beads. Only a boy would figure out how to smoosh them into oblivion. 

For me, this was an epiphany. Not only do I not want to yell, what I really want is to be the type of mom who can extinguish (not bury, only to resurface later) my feelings of frustration with a gracious, loving response to not only my kids, but to Mike, too.

So this has been my quest this week. And what I'm doing is working! Wanna know my secrets?  Stay tuned...I'll share them tomorrow.  Major light bulb moments going on in this house!!!

In the meantime, are you willing to take this challenge? Starting immediately, make a conscious decision to avoid raising your voice today. And tomorrow. And the next day. Then be bold and share this idea with your spouse and kids!  Come on...it's worth it.

What does "no yelling" mean? Check out the Challenge Details with a scale for a "yelling meter" to help you gage what is okay and what is not.

Be sure to leave me a comment if you're taking this challenge!

Earning Money Through Extra Chores

I mentioned a few months ago that I was struggling with the idea of paying Ryan to do extra chores around the house. I'm a big believer in doing what you're told with a happy heart, whether you get paid or not.

But just before Halloween, Ryan was determined to earn extra money for his Darth Vader mask, so I came up with a few things for him to do. 

I paid him $1 to sweep the patio and watched, with pride, as he dragged each item to the grass, swept the concrete diligently, then put everything back even more orderly than he found it. The job took him quite a while and he was very proud of his work.

It was at that moment that I saw the value in paying him for chores above and beyond what is currently expected of him. I also decided to add the disclaimer that jobs done incorrectly will not be paid in full. I can foresee this becoming a problem in the future and just want to nip that in the bud right away.

Here's the list I put together:

$.50 Fold Laundry

$.50 Clean Back Glass Door

$.50 Sweep Front Porch

$1 Sweep Back Porch

$1 Sweep Garage

$5 Mow the Lawn

$.50 Help someone with their chores (without being asked)

$.25 Bring Laundry Downstairs

$.25 Read 15 Minutes Extra

$1 Mop Kitchen

$.25 Pick Up Toys (without being asked)

$.25 per chair - Wipe Down Kitchen Chairs

$1 Wipe One Room's Baseboards

$.25 per room - Vacuum

$.50 Loading Dishwasher (without being asked)

$.50 Empty Dishwasher (without being asked)

It took me a while to come up with this list, considering the fact that we pretty much have the daily and weekly chores taken care of around here. I looked online for some inspiration, then typed the list up with cute graphics, laminated them and put them on a jump ring to hang for easy access. 

When the kids want to earn some extra money, why wouldn't I allow them to take a little work off my plate??? These are all tasks that I am overwhelmed with (constant dishes and laundry) or that I avoid (exterior sweeping and wiping kitchen chairs or baseboards).

I think this system is gonna work out just fine.

My Mommy Mantras

Do you ever feel like you say the same things to you kids over...and over...and over? All the live-long day? After chanting, "Don't touch each other at the dinner table" 200 meals in a row, you'd think they'd learn a little self control, but alas, this is not the case. 

I was thinking about some of the other mommy mantras that keep me from slowly slipping into insanity; I thought I'd share to see if these might help you in your everyday life. We have our list of House Rules that are posted on our fridge and we still review occasionally (even though they haven't changed in 4 years) - if you don't have a set of House Rules, I'd start there. Having a quick, consistent phrase like, "Treat others how you want to be treated," instead of saying that same concept in a dozen different ways throughout the week, well, it just creates a more stable mantra that repeats in your child's head when you're not around.

"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." Translation: life's not fair, get over it. This settles disputes from "He's sitting where I want to sit!" to "She got more than I did!!!" 

"Please do your chores." I love having a set list of expectations that my kids know about instead of asking them to separately pick up their toys, brush their teeth, unload the dishwasher, etc. It feels like I'm barking at them less and giving them more responsibility to check off their own to-do list without me micro-managing them.

"Make sure your chores are done/schoolwork is done before asking for free time." As soon as someone asks to play with a friend or go outside or watch a show, I ask if their chores are done. This is just a good overall principle in life, period. Work first, play later. Then you can relax more during your play without things nagging at you that need to be done. Okay, that isn't true for kids like it is for adults, but it's good to start early to avoid creating procrastinators. 

"Is it a safety issue?" Tattling drives me crazy, but if someone might get hurt, I definitely need to know. So my kids {theoretically} know that they can only "tell" if it's an issue of blood or safety.

"Who's in charge?" My overly responsible (read: bossy) older children have a tendency to, um, "help" each other and their baby brother a little too assertively sometimes. This is most unnecessary when I am literally sitting right. there. 

"Inside voices, please." My kids are loud. Very loud. All the time. I am confident that, even when our windows and doors are shut, our neighbors hear them speak to each other when they're inside the house. There's just no volume button on them!

"Use your words, not your hands." Most boys are naturally rough, mine are no exception. Jason has even taken to hitting people when he is happy and excited...I don't understand it. When he comes out of his room from a nap, I'll welcome him cheerfully and he'll give me a giant smile and proceed to body slam into me. (???) I feel like I'm constantly reminding both boys to be gentle with others and their belongings. Baby dolls were not meant to be rammed into the wall like a monster truck and not every hug needs to turn into WWF wrestling.

(on our way in the house from the van) "Please grab as much as you can carry from around your seat and bring it into the house." This keeps my van from looking like a pigsty and avoids, "I can't find my..." when they decide to bring schoolwork/a book/a toy on a car ride.

"Do the job right the first time or I'll double your workload." I'm trying to teach my kids to do things well and with pride, so if something is only half-done, not only do they need to finish the task, but I'll give them more work to do, too. It didn't take Ryan long to realize that his life would be easier if he spent an extra 2 minutes doing something properly the first time around.

I know I'm missing a few...what are some of your mommy mantras?

The Consequence Jar

(This concept could be adapted to break any bad habit your child has: talking back, leaving the door open when they're playing in and out of the backyard, not clearing their place at dinner, missing the bus because of dawdling...the possibilities are endless.)

I loved this idea so much, as soon as I saw it on Pinterest, I recreated it immediately. And as soon as I was done, I decided to post it on here for all of you fine folks!

The basic idea is this: instead of nagging your kids to put away their toys, shoes, clothes or backpack, give them one warning to put them away, then gather anything that remains into a "ransom box" and require them to earn everything back, one by one.

I've seen many variations of this idea, but none with such entertaining, um, "consequences" as these. Most of the items below are from the original blogger, but I threw in several personalized ideas of my own.

Clean the inside of the van.

Rub dad’s feet for 10 minutes and do, "This Little Piggy" to him.

Rub mom’s feet for 10 minutes and tell her why she’s a great teacher.

Clean your sister’s/brothers’ room.

Wipe down the downstairs bathroom toilet.

Clean a bathroom mirror while singing “This Little Light of Mine”.

Wipe down outside of fridge and have a treat afterwards.

Vacuum kitchen floor.

Scrub upstairs bathtub.

Give Mom or Dad a hug and say, “I will do whatever you say, right away.”

Wipe down walls by garage door.

Wipe down garage door inside and out.

Empty all garbage cans.

Do one chore of Mom or Dad’s choice.

Do one chore of your oldest sibling’s choice.

Do one chore of your youngest sibling’s choice.

Fold socks, towels and underwear in the dryer.

Rub dad’s head for 10 minutes while telling him how thankful you are for him working so hard.

Rub mom’s head for 10 minutes while telling her how thankful you are that she cooks and cleans for you all day long.

Sweep front porch and jog down to the park and back.

Dust the living room.

Clean the back sliding glass door.

You are free but this is a WARNING!
You are free but this is a WARNING!

You are free but this is a WARNING!

Tell both of your siblings 3 things you love about them.

Write 25 times “I will not leave my things out.”

Do 25 jumping jacks while singing, “I am a cleaning machine.”

Race around for 1 minute and put away as many things as you can.

Pick up the entire playroom (or the closet - your choice).

Draw a picture of you picking up things and mom & dad smiling BIG!

Make up a song about a clean house and perform it in front of us.

Make your bed blindfolded.

While hopping on one foot, wipe the kitchen counters off.

Choose two items of yours to donate to Goodwill.

Vacuum the upstairs.

Wipe down the kids’ bathroom sink.

Wipe down Mom and Dad’s bathroom sink.

Scrub the kid's bathroom toilet while singing, "I love cleaning".

Pick up backyard, spin around in circles 3 times and beg your mother for forgiveness.

Sweep the back patio.

Say a scripture verse from memory.

Tell us what you learned in church this weekend while acting it out.

Organize shoes and socks in the kid’s closet.

Bring all of the laundry downstairs and sort it into lights and colors.

Load (or unload) the dishwasher.

Refold the shirts (or pants/shorts) in Jason’s dresser drawers.

Do 15 push ups while singing "Move It" from Madagascar.

I explained this new concept to the big kids and they were laughing so hard at this list that they didn't seem to mind. I plan to go through the house after instructing them to pick up their rooms, the playroom, etc and gather items into the box.

This sounds so much more fun, er...I mean EFFECTIVE than being a nag!