Couch Time

Those of you who have read any of the Baby Wise books have an understanding of "Couch Time." The concept is to spend 10-15 minutes with your spouse, near (but separated from) the kids, to make your marriage a priority. Spending this time together in front of the kids shows them that their parents still love each other and helps them feel more secure, in addition to giving them a chance to play on their own for a little bit without mom and dad entertaining them.

A friend of mine has a different kind of couch time. Every night, she and her husband have a standing appointment to meet on the couch at 9:00. They talk, catch up, watch tv, reconnect, just spend time together as a couple.

Lately, Mike and I have been doing our own thing at night. When I watch t.v. or read, he catches up on the computer or practices his guitar. When I'm on the computer, he's watching shows on t.v. that I'm not into. (specifically 24, Flash Forward and recent playoff games) It feels like we rarely hang out together during the week anymore.

So Monday night, we adopted my friend's version of couch time. We're early birds, so we set our time for 8:00. This gives us a few minutes before meeting together to do our own thing if we want, because we're getting more disciplined about making sure the kids are done with stories and prayers and their doors are closed at 7:30.

It's going well so far. Tuesday night, I was exhausted and Mike had a headache, but I purposely went downstairs at 8:00 and he paused the Suns playoff game so we could catch up from the day. We chatted for 15 minutes or so, then I completely wasted spent about 20 minutes watching the game with him, since I know he likes that shoulder-to-shoulder bonding time.

I'm excited to get back to reconnecting at night. I think we stopped spending time together when I tried not to get into the new season of certain t.v. shows. It has resulted in him watching lots of DVRed shows all alone downstairs. (I know - how sad, right?)

There aren't many shows that we watch together. (The Office, Modern Family, Parenthood, and World's Strictest Parents, to name a few) Hopefully this 8:00 nightly appointment will benefit us as a couple. I thought I'd mention it, just in case someone else wants to give it a try!

3652 Days

I have been married for 3652 days. 10 years today - I can hardly believe our wedding was so long ago! I remember it so vividly. I didn't want to get married on Valentine's weekend, but I also didn't want to wait until May, so our church's limited availability set the date. That's what happens when you give yourself three months to plan a wedding with 250 people.

Tonight we went to dinner and a movie while my mom watched the kids. Nothing huge, since we just went on our big cruise to celebrate, but it was a nice little evening out. (And I got to have a fancy schmancy Cosmopolitan - yum!)

I've found myself reflecting back this week. Now I'm no expert or anything, but I think I've learned a thing or two in the last 10 years. I'd guess that 99% of my readers are already married, but I'm still going to throw some of this out there, just in case I can save someone the pain of learning from their own mistakes.

Things I've learned over the last 10 years:
- The first year of marriage isn't always the "honeymoon period" - it's often the hardest year of your relationship. (My mom gifted us with 6 free counseling sessions for our first anniversary. No joke!)
- Pick your battles. There's no reason to constantly put in your two cents...it's just not worth it.
- Only take advice from couples who have relationships that you respect and admire.
- Having babies is a lot of work and will put unnecessary tension on an already strained marriage. Work through some of the kinks before deciding to bring children into your home.
- Divide the household tasks. If everyone knows what's expected of them, there's less chance for miscommunication and feelings of resentment. (I cook, you clean and vice versa...I'll do car maintenance, you do the bills...I'll tend the garden, you do the lawn...etc.)
- Never stop dating...each other, obviously. Laugh. Be spontaneous. Take vacations. Make memories.
- Create family traditions. Not only for Christmas, but other occasions, too. Eat chocolate fondue every Valentine's Day, make shamrock-shaped pancakes each St. Patrick's Day, bring each other breakfast in bed on your birthdays.

Wedding advice I wish I would have received 10 years ago:
- Don't register for fine china and crystal stemware. (it wasn't my thing then and it still isn't...it looks lovely lined up in my downstairs closet, though) Find dishes that are pretty, but practical. $25 wine crystal glasses are not practical.
- Spend money on a good photographer, but remind your guests to email pictures from their cameras. The candid shots are just as memorable.
- Where tennis shoes under your wedding dress. No one will see and you'll be much more comfortable.
- Eat a whole piece of your cake, not just the first bite used for pictures. Because someone might forget to grab the leftovers and they might get eaten by the kitchen staff. Even the top that you're supposed to save for your first anniversary.

- Pick a few things that are non-negotiables and let the rest go. Enjoy a day in your honor...it will be the last time you have this big of a party with all of your loved ones. (until your funeral, that is)
- Wait a few days to go on your honeymoon. Enjoy the company who flew in for your wedding for a day or two, get unpacked into your new house and THEN go on vacation. It will be much more relaxing.

...I wonder what gems of wisdom I'll learn in the next 10 years?

Ready to Make a Change

This post was originally published August 30, 2008. Some of the links may be broken because the Biblical Womanhood blog has been discontinued...sorry about that!

I'm about to get personal.* Are you ready to go deep? This is about as deep as I get - in fact, I've debated about whether to post about this whole issue. But I like to keep it real, so I'm going to open up and get vulnerable on you. Get comfy...

*I should warn my non-Christian readers that you will probably not understand my opinions in this post. And this will surely not be a pleasant read for the Feminists out there. If you roll your eyes while reading or want to give me a piece of your mind in a comment, please feel free. Just know that if it's too critical or negative, I'll totally delete it because it's my blog. 'Kay?

Where do I start? Some of this will appear all over the place, so forgive me for the ADD-ness throughout what's likely to be a very long post.

I guess I should start with this series we're going through at church. It's a four-week series titled, "One Month to Live." Two weeks ago, we were presented with the question: "What would be different if you just had one month left to live?" The first thing I thought of is that I would have a better attitude. Now, those of you who know me, know that I'm a really positive person.That's not what I mean. When it comes to my husband and kids (unfortunately, those closest to me) I can have a bit of a 'tude. When I'm annoyed or angry, I'm an open book. I may try to hide my frustration, but it ends up coming out eventually. This is not something I'm proud of and I've gone through my ups and downs over the last 8.5 years of marriage about how well I share my feelings on a subject. Currently, I'm not practicing much self control and I've been wanting to get myself back on track.

In fact, to give you a visual...for those who have seen Jon & Kate plus 8, too often, I'm snappy like Kate. Most people think it's funny and cute, but when I see how she speaks to her husband, I sink in my seat. Because way too often, that's me. It didn't used to bother me, but a few months ago, I was convicted. I was so disgusted with myself that I was ready to make a change.

The problem was that I have some really bad habits that aren't easy to break. But I figured, admitting that I needed to change was a good first step, right?

Backing up to our church series: that first week, our pastor showed us an interview with a mom of 2 boys. She was told she had 4 weeks to live on the same weekend our pastor announced our upcoming series. She was in her 20s. And single. With kids the same age as mine. I sobbed as I watched the video of this poor girl...a million thoughts running through my mind.

If I had a month to live, I would absolutely speak sweeter to my husband. I would correct my children with the intention of changing their character, not their short-term behavior. I would not scold Ryan for coming out of his room for the hundredth time when he asks for a hug and a kiss, even if I knew he was stalling his bedtime. I would not spend so much time on the office computer while Mike watches t.v. downstairs alone. (by the way, I'm on the laptop while he watches the ASU/NAU game as we speak...) Yes, if I were told I had one month to live, I would make some major changes.

So why wait for such devastating news? Why not live that kind of life today?

That began my journey to change. It was a slow start and I hate to admit it, but not much happened right away.

Fast forward ahead to last week: Mike went on a three day staff retreat for work. (he works for our church) I intended to have a little "boot camp" with the kids to get them back on track because they haven't been behaving well lately. Mike and I often discuss how we want to correct and discipline them, but when it comes down to it, our guidelines are rarely followed and we come off as inconsistent. In my mind, what often happens is when Daddy comes home at night, all of my hard work all day gets contradicted. Sometimes he's too easy on them, but more often he's too harsh. (again, in my opinion)

Things went well Monday and Tuesday with the kids and my principals of the "Have a New Kid by Friday" book were really working. During naptime on Tuesday, I checked my emails and spent a little time surfing blogs. This is where I was slapped around a bit. First, a friend sent me an online personality test that got me thinking. It has pictures to choose from at each stage of the test and when I saw a picture of a mom tossing her daughter in the air, that was not how I wanted to answer the "Where I'd rather be right now..." question. I wished it was where I'd rather be, but regretably, I was pretty glad that my kids were asleep.

Then the first blog I read was a friend whose husband was also away on the retreat with Mike. She mentioned how much she missed him and couldn't wait for him to come home. At first, this touched my heart, then I started feeling a little sad. Of course, I looked forward to seeing Mike the next day, but I wasn't longing for him to return. She also mentioned that he was the "hero of their home." By this time, I was feeling pretty low. Last year, we went through a study called Love and Respect, so I am fully aware that every man yearns to be the hero of their home. Why don't I view Mike that way? The kids see him that way. What is my problem? Pride? Independence? Is it even IN me to be a starry-eyed homemaker who puts her husband up on such a pedestal?

I continued through my blogroll and, no joke, saw a post on Biblical Womanhood. It said:

All of you who are married or hope to be married someday must run over and read this excellent piece by Camilla Brown: 12 Things You Should Not Do To Your Husband.

As wives, we have the incredible responsibility to be the help meet to our husband. This word, "help meet" in the Hebrew ("ezer") literally means "a tower of strength".

Think about that for a minute: Are your actions, attitudes, words, and thoughts bringing strength to your husband? Or are they tearing him down as a man?

If you are married, purpose today to invest your life around serving the Lord by serving your husband. Be his helper, be his encourager, be his biggest cheerleader. Listen to him, notice his needs, praise him, go out of your way to show him love in practical ways. Become a student of your husband--know his likes and his dislikes, his interests, his vision, his passion, his heart.

Let us throw off the garbage we've been fed from feminism, humanism, and egalitarianism, and let us be noble women of virtue and valor, bulwarks of support and love to our husbands!

"A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones." (Proverbs 12:4)

I was near tears when I called my BFF to tell her what a horrible wife I am. As any best friend would do, she talked me off the roof and I got off the phone feeling motivated to do better, no longer discouraged that I'm sabotaging my marriage.

I think as someone with a strong personality, I tend to overpower my husband. And when I disagree with how he disciplines our kids (even when I wait to bring up the issue privately), he feels criticized and it affects his confidence as a father.

My actions, attitudes, words, and thoughts are NOT bringing strength to my husband. And they are very likely tearing him down as a man. Lovely.

Intentionally or not, women set the tone for their homes. I know that in my head, but when the clock strikes 5 and I'm exhausted from a full day with the kids, I rarely put my attitude in check before Mike comes home. And so the "crazy cycle" begins...

Tuesday was a defining day for me. Similar to that of a smoker who finally decides to quit. Or someone finally motivated to start eating better and exercising. Like anyone with a bad habit, I've known what I should be doing. Sometimes I did the right things, sometimes I didn't. Too often I didn't.

I suddenly realized why my kids aren't changing their own attitude and behavior. So many of my issues with Ryan are issues of disrespect. Why on earth would my children respect their parents, grandparents or even each other when I wasn't showing respect to Mike??? THIS was my defining moment. Everything was suddenly so clear.

This three days of Daddy-free time was supposed to get my kids on the right track. Instead, I got a major wake up call. The common denominator is ME. Ouch. Mike isn't perfect, my kids are not perfect. But how I respond to them needs to be less about what they say or do and more about my heart attitude. How quickly I forgot that, as a Christian, I am to live for an audience of One.

My epiphany has changed me and I'm hoping it's permanent. I haven't told Mike about this and honestly, I'm kind of hoping he doesn't read this post. (he doesn't read my blog much, but sometimes he logs on to take a peek) I'm curious to see how things are different around here without making a big announcement about what God revealed to me.

I made myself a little note card with a checklist in my nightstand that I intend to look at each morning to get my attitude right, first thing in the morning. I'm already seeing differences in the kids, drastic improvements in my mood and much more pleasant interactions with Mike. I've been responding less emotionally to things and I'm not saying a word or so much as raising my eyebrows when I think that Mike is overreacting to Ryan's misbehavior. I'm just letting it go. Unfortunately, I've still lost it a few times with the kids, but it was pointed out to me that slipping up is God's way of humbling me. And that, He does.

I think it's only human to get frustrated when you repeat the same requests to your kids daily. Over. And over. And over. "Don't gargle your milk" and "Use your words, not your hands" (or feet or teeth...) and "Don't bang your fork into the table" (our kitchen table looks like it survived a hail storm). But my new personal goal each day is to give one calm reminder for each "rule" before instituting time out or taking away a privilege. (or a fork...) I tend to think that if I've said it a million times they should remember that things aren't allowed. Like shouting inside the house or stealing toys from each other or interrupting every single conversation I try to have with, "Mommy? Hey, mommy - MOMMMMMMMMMmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

I'm proud that I have been treating Mike with the respect he deserves. As a man, as my husband and as a human being. He deserves better than what I've been offering him. Even when he says something that makes me want to give him a blank stare and whisper, "Are you kidding me?!?" Instead, I just smile sincerely and say, "Hmmm, interesting." Or when we watch a pointless football game that's 30 to nothing on a Saturday night when we could be watching a movie or a show that we both enjoy. (hypothetically speaking, of course) Because he is still a man and we still think very differently.

For those of you who are fighting this whole post because "the husband should be willing to change too" and "it takes two to tango" or would never dream of making this decision for your own relationship, think about the best marriages you know. If you watch these couples, you'll notice that they speak kindly to each other and let the little things go. They serve their spouse and consider their needs above their own, but couples who keep score or are in self-protection mode aren't healthy and likely aren't thriving. It takes one person in the relationship to start this process. I'm not saying my marriage was in trouble because divorce is not an option in our house. But if we're planning on spending the rest of our lives together, wouldn't it make sense that we'd want those years to be happy, pleasant ones??? I'm so ready for more good moments than tough ones. I'm done thinking that this issue is going to solve itself.

We were told at church today that the young, single mom passed away yesterday. We just learned of her situation two weeks ago. It happened that fast. We have one final message left in this "One Month to Live" series and we'll miss it because we're going to San Diego next weekend. But I'm confident that God has already spoken to me. I get it. I think I will be forever changed by these realizations.

Almost 18 months after writing about this topic, things aren't perfect, but I'm much better than I was. I sometimes still default to snapping when I'm tired or stressed, but more often than not, I catch myself and speak calmly. If you want to see a follow up post to see how my "changes" were originally received by Mike, click here.

What Robs Your Spirit?

You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. ~ 1 Peter 3:4, NLT (emphasis added)
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A few weeks ago, I saw an inspirational post titled Cultivating a Meek and Quiet Spirit. To summarize, the author suggested writing a list of things that rob your spirit. What steals your joy? What "triggers" keep you from being the patient, peaceful, kind, loving person that God intended you to be?
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To attack your spirit robbers, she suggests taking these steps:
* Identify it
* Plan a solution
* Create a system
* Implement the system
* Choose what's next
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It didn't take me long to identify my spirit robbers. The most obvious one recently is being tired. And by "tired," I mean both sleep deprived and worn out. I'm sleep deprived every day, but Mondays and Tuesdays are much easier for me than Thursdays and Fridays. Earlier in the week, I'm refreshed since Mike is home all weekend and able to help me take breaks, nap and escape from the chaos every once in a while. At the end of most days, whether I'm sleep deprived or not, I'm often worn out. Sick of hearing the kids whine, complain and argue, sick of housework, sick of homework, sick of being pulled in a million different directions. So for me, being tired is a spirit robber. I'm not the person I want to be when I'm tired. But that shouldn't be an excuse, should it? I need to plan a solution and figure out a way to respond with love when I feel like bursting into tears. (BTW, I'm still working on the grand plan for this issue!)
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My other spirit robbers include: the kids' continued disobedience, wasted time, clutter, feeling disorganized, whining/fighting/screaming kids and the baby crying uncontrollably.
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One of the systems I've worked out (even before reading this post) for dealing with the kids when they're fighting, hurting each other or tattling repeatedly is to send them to their rooms. If I feel my blood boiling, I warn them that if they can't get along, they can't play together. About half of the time this works like a charm, but if one or both kids are having a rough day, I have to follow through with the punishment.
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This solves the problem on multiple levels: 1 - I get a "Mommy Time Out" and don't lose my temper. 2 - Neither child likes being isolated, so they tend to realize that figuring out a way to get along is better than playing in their room alone. 3 - The child with the bad attitude gets some space/rest/alone time to cool off. 4 - They both emerge with a willingness to be kind to the other person.
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(Oh the irony...when I began typing this post, the kids were happily playing together and are now separated into their respective rooms. Apparently, Ryan aimed his remote control helicopter at Kaylin's head and made her feel unsafe - that got them a warning - then Kaylin decided to bite Ryan's toe in response to him not sharing. That was the straw. And of course, it's FRIDAY afternoon. I am moments away from the reprieve of the weekend. I am so ready...)
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As wives and as mothers, we set the tone of our home. I heard it said once that we should be the household thermostat, adjusting the mood up or down as needed, to keep a peaceful home where your family loves to return. I used to feel a sense of pressure hearing that statement, but now I gladly accept the challenge. It's not easy, but it's so worth the effort.
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I'm going to go reset our household thermostat now. (*deep breath*) God has an amazing sense of humor. Mike just called to say that he left his gym bag in the men's locker room and is turning around to go get it (causing him to be late for an already-getting-cold dinner) and the baby is now screaming in his swing...let the weekend begin!

What's Inspiring Me Lately

Here are some of the posts I've been reading lately that might inspire you, too:

- 20 Pocket-Change Date Night Ideas
- 10 Tips for Dealing with Sibling Conflict
- Finding Motivation at Home
- Correcting a Disobedient Child

And here's the rest of the series I posted about last time I posted links - 50 Ways to Streamline your Life
- Part 4
- Part 5
- Part 6
- Part 7

He's Just Not That Into You

*Disclaimer: If you planned on seeing this movie, I'm about to ruin it for you, so you may not want to read my review. Consider yourself warned.

Mike and I had a last minute date night last night and saw the first movie playing when we arrived at the theatre: He's Just Not That Into You. It's packed with A-listers (Jennifer Anistan, Drew Barrymore, Ben Affleck and Scarlette Johansson, to name a few) so I figured it would be a good romantic comedy about the perils of dating.

At the very beginning of the movie, the only married male character was tempted by a beautiful blonde. I looked at Mike and said, "This better not end up in an affair." I was pleasantly surprised when the married character was noble enough to shut off communication with the blonde, more than once. To his credit, he tried. But he was weak and called back and that's when it happened: he let her in just a little. He justified taking the blonde's yoga class by saying, "Why can't I have a hot friend? We can be friends even though I'm married!" I was beyond frustrated with this dude. Why even GO there?

Now, maybe I am a pregnant, over-emotional basket-case right now, but when they finally hooked up, I was devastated. I fought back tears through the whole next scene and was truly disgusted that Hollywood couldn't resist the temptation to have them sleep together.

Amazingly, when the wife found out about the affair, she realized the reasons he fell into another woman's arms and chose to fight for her man. She forgave him and immediately began making changes to bring the spark back into their marriage. It was quite refreshing.

The whole storyline is a perfect example of why I have very old fashioned opinions when it comes to the types of relationships married people should have to keep themselves out of trouble. I have male friends, don't get me wrong, but I never hang out with them alone. It's always as couples or with groups of friends. My marriage means too much to me to allow any suspicions to creep in. Period.

I remember the first time I heard the term "above reproach." A married male friend wouldn't drive home from a church retreat with my single girlfriend because they'd be in the car alone together. I think I was 20 years old when this happened and the fact that several other people had to adjust their travel times to accommodate this situation was ridiculous to me. Then I got married and it all became clear.

By living "above reproach," you make intentional choices that won't leave room for misinterpretation. For instance, when Mike worked for our church, they had a staff rule that employees can't be behind closed doors (or in a car or out to lunch or on a business trip) with someone of the opposite gender if either of them were married. Our pastor won't be alone with another woman unless it's his wife or one of his daughters. While on staff, Mike had a conference he was going to out of state with his male boss and a female employee. The boss had something come up and couldn't go, so the female employee's trip was canceled and Mike went alone.

If this sounds extreme to you, think about it for a minute: when you see married people alone with someone of the opposite gender, isn't there room for suspect? Couldn't someone misinterpret their friendship as something more? People's imaginations get away from them, even if everything is harmless. And opinions form. And gossip begins. All of this can be avoided!

What if things aren't harmless? If one person is attracted to the other or if flirting starts, it's impossible to have an affair if the two are never alone together privately. It's a conscious choice that people have to make. I know this concept may sound old fashioned, but do you realize how many marriages might still be together right now if everyone chose to live above reproach?

If you think I'm out of my gourd for what I'm saying, please take a minute to pray about using this concept in your own life. I'm sure there are a million excuses you could come up with for reasons you'd need to go to lunch with your male boss or ask your neighbor to come over when you're home alone to fix a leaky faucet, but if you're intentional about it, following through with this principle is not tough. Mike and I have been successful doing it for over nine years.

The movie ended with a couple of pathetic story lines turning for the better, which had me in tears for the fluffy romantic reasons, but I still wouldn't recommend this movie. Maybe single women could get something out of it, but I can sum up the premise of the whole film in one line from the script: "If a guy is interested in you, he'll do what it takes to be with you." All of the excuses women tell themselves about why he's not calling are garbage. Men aren't that deep. If he doesn't call, he's just not that into you, so get over it and move on.

Oh, and can I just say how GLAD I am that I'm not in the dating scene anymore? I don't miss those days at all. Not even a little.

Okay. I'm done ranting now. I know some of you out there have opinions, so bring 'em on. Leave me a comment with your thoughts - I'm curious as to where you stand on this issue. Bring on a little healthy debate!

Don't...

A little Monday morning humor to start off your Valentine's week...

Keeping my Home a Haven

I need to start off by saying how overwhelmed I have been with the love, encouragement and prayers we've received since I mentioned Mike's lay off. Your notes and calls (my phone rang off the hook last week!) were such a blessing to me...each and every one. One friend immediately invited us over for dinner last weekend, another wanted to bring over groceries, many others have extended additional offers to help or babysit, Mike was taken out to lunch by a co-worker, and another friend of his even offered to teach him how to lay wood floors so he can bring him on jobs to bring in some $$$ until he gets hired somewhere. Seriously overwhelming - THANK YOU for everything!

Mike and I are in good spirits, though I'll admit that we trade off feeling anxious about the months ahead. I noticed something interesting this weekend: Mike is obviously concerned about providing for our family, taking care of our financial needs, things like that. While I'm hopeful that he'll find a job soon and that we won't exhaust our savings, that's not what has me rattled. I've suddenly become a little over-protective of our "family life" and keeping things healthy and on the right track with our marriage and parenting.

I remember before Mike took the position at our church a couple of years ago, he had about a week (maybe two?) between leaving his old job and starting his new one. It changed the dynamic of our family having him home so much. Toward the end of his "time off," he finally let me know that he was looking forward to those days being just that: time OFF. Yet, my expectations were not for him to goof off and relax all day while cleaned up after him and I ran my preggo-body all over the house after our very-active-two-year-old. It's a little hard to explain, but I can honestly say that I remember being very excited for him to go back to work and get out of my hair start his new job.

How horrible is that? I don't want to be in that place again. I am thinking of ways that we can intentionally and purposefully enjoy this time together and not get on each other's nerves. You know the old saying of "distance makes the heart grow fonder." It's true for us.

But that doesn't change the fact that in a couple of weeks, Mike will be home a lot more. His last day is November 14th, the day after his birthday. I'm the queen of efficiency, so I'm psyching myself up to relax my standards, get flexible and cheerfully welcome Mike into our Monday-Friday routine.

So please continue to keep us in prayer. If we're careful, we can last several months while Mike looks for employment. But personally, I'm praying for peace in our home. Oh yeah, and sleep. (I can't seem to shut my mind off at night!) We're a little on edge (and sleep deprived...) and the kids are starting to feel the tension. We need to concentrate on having a grace-filled home with joy and contentment, even though luxuries will be scarce. I also desperately want to stay on the same page with Mike, though I'm not sure that even HE knows what "page" he's on. He knows we could/should cut some things back in our lives, but I'm not sure he's ready/willing just yet. Its tough to support someone who's still trying to figure themselves out, you know???