Stop Yelling by Minimizing Your "Triggers"

A few weeks ago, I was really down. Everyone was bugging me, Mike and the kids couldn't say or do anything right, and I felt really defeated because I genuinely didn't understand what was wrong with my attitude. It seemed like it was all everyone else's fault, until I realized that the common denominator was...me.

Looking back, I now realize that I was burned out and needed to take care of my own needs a little better.  But more obvious is that I was in a place of major discontentment. I have such a great life and I wasn't appreciating any of it! I want to feel joy around my children all day long, not just when I put them to bed at night in anticipation of having a break. I want to love them where they're at, annoyances and all. I don't want to wish away these younger years, but truly cherish the small moments tucked into each day.

As I approached the No Yelling Challenge this week, I tried to analyze what flips my switch between all-is-well and brace-yourselves-for-Mommy's-wrath. Not only do I want to quit being a yelling mom, I want to stop making mountains out of molehills in my own mind. 

This is a staged picture, requested by Ryan, after I found yet another piece of paper from the sticks of butter that Jason "helped" me put into our sugar cookie batter. I'm proud to say that I laughed it off, where as last week I would have really let it bug me, fearing embarrassment from the neighbors we would share the cookies with if THEY found paper in their cookie.

Here are the triggers that tend to set me off...

1. I'm overtired.
2. I'm distracted/concentrating/focused/overwhelmed.
3. We're running late.
4. The kids are bickering.
5. One of the kids is purposely unkind to another.
6. Constant talking and/or repeated questions that I've already answered.
7. A house rule has been broken and they should know better.
8. I haven't been consistent with consequences and the same issue keeps arising again and again.
9. Any outside situation that has caused me stress (an argument with Mike, a call that I shouldn't have taken in the middle of our school day, a decision I'm beating myself up for, rushing to make dinner before Ryan has to go to football practice, etc)

(The OCD part of me really wanted to think long and hard about a #10, but I really think these summarize my triggers. All nine of them. Wow, I must be a DELIGHT to be around!)

Can I control my reactions during the above situations?  YES. I. CAN. But I need an action plan.

Problem: I'm overtired.

Solution: Get to bed earlier! It is just that easy. Except for the minor complication that I'm extremely productive after 9pm. (curses!) Take time to recharge throughout the day and realize that having the kids with me 24/7 is exhausting and that not only do I deserve some "me" time, I will be a better mom for it.

Problem: I'm distracted/concentrating/focused/overwhelmed.

Solution: Plan my time better. Have blocks of time for things like Tastefully Simple, returning phone calls, lesson planning for school. Meal plan to avoid the dinnertime drama. Be present when I am with the kids or explain that I am going to be checked out for a while and that they need to entertain themselves until X:00. Set proper expectations with those around me so they can know what's going on in my head.

Problem: We're running late.

Solution: Plan to leave 15 minutes earlier everywhere we go. Heaven forbid I should ever arrive early! Don't wait until the last minute to fill water bottles, find missing shoes or tidy the kitchen.  Don't try to cram in one more thing before leaving the house.

Problem: The kids are bickering.

Solution: Allow them to work out most of their differences on their own and only referee when absolutely necessary.  If needed, separate them into their own rooms to play alone, take away the toy that they're fighting over, threaten to give them chores if they can't play nicely together. 

Problem: One of the kids is purposely unkind to another.

Solution: I. Hate. This. The mama bear in me comes out with claws sharpened! Clearly, their unkind words or actions reveal a heart attitude that needs to be addressed right then and there. Comfort the wounded and treat the offender with the respect I would give a stranger's child to keep myself from being overly defensive.

Problem: Constant talking and/or repeated questions that I've already answered.

Solution: Enforce the "three questions per car ride" rule. Encourage the kids to tell each other their funny jokes and amazing stories about the ant hill they found at the park. Relax and enjoy my children's quirks and vigor, then when my head feels like it's about to explode, calmly explain that I need some quiet time. Accept the fact that I have three very talkative kids and embrace that they probably get this trait from their mama.

Problem: A house rule has been broken and they should know better.

Solution: Realize that they should not know better. They're still little and they're still learning and they have a lot going on in their busy brains and {for some reason} my rules are not the first thing on their priority lists. Remind them of the rule again. And again. Calmly. Understand that breaking house rules is not a personal attack on me.

Problem: I haven't been consistent with consequences and the same issue keeps arising again and again.

Solution: Be consistent! And work on one major issue at a time (respect, obedience, self control, kindness) instead of overwhelming everyone by expecting perfection. This is something that I'm good at doing during school, but outside of the schoolroom, not so much. 

Problem: Any outside situation that has caused me stress.

Solution: Shelf it. Turn off the ringer and the computer during school time. Cut corners to make life a little easier and a rushed situation less stressful. Pray about it.

Understanding what sets me off and having an action plan have significantly helped me in my quest to avoid raising my voice this week. And I'm even PMSing! So think about it...what are your triggers? 

Parent Challenge: No More Yelling

I don't know when or how I got off my game, but I have once again become a yelling mom. Not always, not even daily, but way. too. often. I've been gradually trying to work on my reactions, but to no avail. When I force a smile and lower my voice and slowly repeat my request to Ryan, he gets a huge mocking smile with wild eyes that I want to slap right off his face.

Clearly, I have anger issues.

I ran across this post on an interesting blog the other day. This mama gave up yelling for a year. Heck, I just wanted to give it up for a week for my 101 Goals in 1001 Days challenge! The post lists the top 10 things she learned from giving up yelling for 365 days.

While peeking around her blog, I discovered that she has four boys under the age of 5. I've used my wild 'n' crazy 3 year old as an excuse for my mommy tantrums, feeling totally justified in my over-exhausted, maxed-out verbal expressions of frustration. Seeing as this gal's boys are more numerous and younger than mine, well to be honest, I felt pretty sheepish.

This all happened on Sunday night.  I woke up Monday morning and announced my plan to the family. "I'm going to try really, really hard to stop yelling...starting today." There. I said it out loud. So I was officially committed to this daunting task!

After lunch, Mike called to see how I was doing with my "no yelling challenge". It was then that I realized that not yelling wasn't as hard as I anticipated. What I was actually struggling with was speaking to my kids in love, even when I was exasperated and at my wits end.

Destructo-boy decided to skip his nap last week and crushed 100 water beads into a jelly-like substance all over Ryan's bedroom carpet. It took everything in me not to come completely unglued by this creative act.

This is the "before" picture of the water beads. Only a boy would figure out how to smoosh them into oblivion. 

For me, this was an epiphany. Not only do I not want to yell, what I really want is to be the type of mom who can extinguish (not bury, only to resurface later) my feelings of frustration with a gracious, loving response to not only my kids, but to Mike, too.

So this has been my quest this week. And what I'm doing is working! Wanna know my secrets?  Stay tuned...I'll share them tomorrow.  Major light bulb moments going on in this house!!!

In the meantime, are you willing to take this challenge? Starting immediately, make a conscious decision to avoid raising your voice today. And tomorrow. And the next day. Then be bold and share this idea with your spouse and kids!  Come on...it's worth it.

What does "no yelling" mean? Check out the Challenge Details with a scale for a "yelling meter" to help you gage what is okay and what is not.

Be sure to leave me a comment if you're taking this challenge!

Annoyed

This is me lately. I can't think of how long it's been going on, but this weekend, I just felt this overwhelming sense of being annoyed. With everyone in my house. All the time. 

I lacked joy. I lacked peace. I lacked grace.

I don't know what my problem was and I was so frustrated with myself earlier today that I was almost in tears over it. I've had a quick trigger, have been easily pissy and have taken an insane amount of time to calm down about the stupidest little things.

Can we just clear up something real quick? No, I'm not on my period and NO, I'm not pregnant. Those would be easy answers, but the timing is way off. 

But it does feel very hormonal in the fact that I feel completely helpless to these intensely negative feelings. 

I was over-evaluating myself today and trying to figure out why I'm craving control over everything. Maybe because I feel so OUT of control about certain things, that I'm desperately grasping for false control over others...?  This could be why I've been ripping apart my house room by room and reorganizing. Or why my expectations of Mike and the kids have been so specific and unrealistic. Or why I've been so manic about fixing my issue with my body image.

On Saturday night, Mike and I discussed the kids a bit on our date night. It seems like they're arguing their way out of everything these days, or at least trying to, and I needed it to stop. Immediately. We came up with a plan. (shocker, right?)

We decided to tie first-time obedience for all three kids to their screen time. All of the kids have become quite addicted to playing on my iPhone or iPad in the past couple of months, so figuring out their "currency" was easy. We're hoping to break them of their habit of arguing before doing things that they're asked and we also added that they'd lose screen time if they are bossy to their siblings. (this is more Kaylin's issue than the arguing, but Ryan and Jason struggle with it, too.)

I'm hoping this will lessen some of the squabbles that happen throughout the day, minimizing the gentle boil of my temper that seems ready to explode without notice. But in the meantime, I have GOT TO work on my attitude. Because seriously, this is not cool and I'm over it.

Maybe I should take up heavy drinking to take the edge off? :) 

Okay, rant over. I'm going to bed where I can't say or do anything negative to anybody. I'm hoping to wake up on the RIGHT side of the bed tomorrow. For once. (*sigh*) 

#9 - Organize the Linen Closet and #15 - Label my TS Supplies and Baskets

My linen closet does not hold linens. It never has. It's a HUGE closet across from the boy's room that has always been a dumping ground for everything from party decorations to large serving pieces to extra picture frames. 

I took these "before" pictures back in November with the full intention of decluttering and organizing this space. It is now March. Having this off my to-do list feels incredible!

Before - endless rows of candles that go unburned. I keep getting them for gifts and one candle shelf became TWO candle shelves. I finally put most of them in the pile for Good Will.

Before - this picture makes my skin crawl. There were zones for what was in there...kind of. Candles, TS stuff, frames, decor, gift bags, gift wrap...it was visual chaos.

After - Did you hear that? I just exhaled...because this is pure bliss to me. I will shamelessly admit that when this was complete, I walked into this closet and just stared. The order brings me peace. And yes, I realize I have a bit of a sickness.

I have organized this several times before, but it always gets out of control over time. Since I began selling Tastefully Simple a couple years ago, this is where I started storing my paper products and some of my supplies. I decided to transition this whole closet into a space that holds my TS supplies and overflow craft/school items. I am so, so pleased with the results. Seriously.

All of my Tastefully Simple bins and baskets are all labeled!  I love that I can find what I need at a glance instead of searching everywhere.

Being that all of the bins look the same, I obviously had to label them.  About 1/2 hold my Tastefully Simple supplies and the other 1/2 hold school stuff, mostly craft supplies.

The bins are even put on shelves for a purpose: there is one shelf for my TS parties, one for my team, one for training, another section is for paper products, another for school craft supplies...it all makes perfect sense. And it's just plain beautiful.
 

#62 - Clean Out the Kitchen Cabinets

I have completed the first item on my 101 Goals in 1001 Days list!  I am a big fan of annual spring cleaning, but I'll be the first to admit that it hasn't happened around here in a while. Ever since destructo-boy Jason began toddling around a few years ago, let's just say that big projects have been put on the back burner. Thankfully for us all, he is growing out of his impossible phase and moving into a phase of being a big, pre-school boy who wants to be a welcome member of our family instead of a tiny terror.

When taking my "before" pictures, I noticed a little science experiment of the kids; they decided to hydrate some water beads for everyone in the family. My kids love these things!  They're great sensory play and there's something strangely calming about running your fingers through them.

When I began this little project, I actually wondered if it even needed to be done? Then I decided to just go through, one cabinet at a time, and take things off each shelf and simply wipe it down. As it turned out, there was MUCH to get rid of. Hiding in the back of one of the higher shelves was a collection of pacifiers. My baby is 3 1/2 years old and hasn't had a pacifier since he was 9 months!!!  Wow. And yes, that is a teething biscuit in an open wrapper. Turns out it was definitely time to declutter the kitchen!

 Anyway...on to the before and after pictures.

Before - our dishes cabinet

After - I now have a whole SHELF open! Looks like I might need some new dishes to fill that void...!!!

Before - this held odd glassware and water bottles. And protein powder. And apparently pacifiers and teething biscuits. The gaping hole on the bottom left side was home to our popcorn maker that broke on Sunday. (May it R.I.P.) 

After - I cleared so much room that I ended up relocating our Magic Bullet, some serving pieces, coffee mugs and Mike's mini coffee maker into this cabinet. 

(Note to self: discuss Mike's portable coffee mug collection and pare it down. He doesn't even bring coffee to work everyday! This is an occasional need on the way to church and we have NINE mugs. Nine.)

Before - the kids' dishes

After - moved the cups to the left drawer and will toss the sippy cups as soon as I get more cups from IKEA. (they disappear in our house) I also cleaned out underneath the drawers and found old bibs from Jason's baby cereal eating days. Again, wow.

Before - vitamin cabinet/coffee and tea/paper products

After - rearranged a few things, cleared off the junk counter, moved the protein powder in with the other drinks

Before - above the microwave junk and overflow Ziplocks

After - made use of the empty space behind what's up front, added some things from other cabinets

While my kitchen was torn apart, the big kids played outside on this beautiful 80 degree day and Jason played on my iPad. Kaylin stopped in for some water and I noticed that she attached hair clips to her dangle earrings. This girl is such a fashionista!  Notice how her new belt matches her top. And she's SO proud of her missing front tooth. I absolutely adore this chick!

 

101 Goals in 1001 Days, Take 2

For those of you who have been around for a while, you're probably thinking, "Oh no - here we go again!" My original 101 Goals in 1001 Days list ran from December 30, 2008 - September 27, 2011. (YES - it was that long ago!)  I completed 90 of the 101 goals...and 90% felt pretty good!

After an 18 month break from my daunting goal-setting adventure, I'm ready to tackle it again. The first several are the ones that did not get completed last time around. The other 90...well, some are repeats and some are brand new. The first 88 came quickly to me, the rest needed a little inspiration.

My 1001 days will be over on December 8, 2015. That sounds SO far away!  Here are my 101 goals, in no particular order...

1. Hang curtains on the office window (finally done 12/26/13)

2. Fix the frame of the collage above our bed (finally done 11/1/14)

3. Buy a new-to-me van (done - better late than never - 1/2/16)

4. Get new bedroom furniture (dressers, not necessarily a new bed) (done 6/20/14)

5. Get Lasik eye surgery (done 2/6/15)

6. Take Mike and the kids to Hawaii/the Caribbean/someplace amazing with my Tastefully Simple commission (done 1/8/14)

7. (Dare I say...?) Have another baby OR totally come to terms with the fact that we are complete as a family of five. (done 5/29/14)

8. Rid the house of all baby and toddler toys...if we're done having kids (done 5/28/13)

9. Organize the linen closet (done 3/15/13)

10. Get rid of the swing set in the backyard (done 5/25/13)

11. Teach Jason to ride a bike (done 4/6/14)

12. Sign Jason up for football (done 5/20/15)

13. Teach all three kids basic Spanish

14. Go to New York City with Mike (done - better late than never - 9/20/16)

15. Label my Tastefully Simple supplies and baskets (done 3/15/13)

16. Take Kaylin to Make Meaning for a Mommy/Daughter date (done 11/16/14)

17. Go roller skating as a family (done 11/23/14)

18. Make a snowman with the kids (done 3/4/15)

19. Take a beach vacation with another family

20. Pray for Mike every day for a month (done 8/6/15)

21. Pray for my kids every day for a month (done 8/6/15)

22. Get a media cabinet for under our t.v. (done 4/21/13)

23. Go to a concert/comedy show (done 6/15/13)

24. Pre-plan our homeschool schedule for a month and stick to it (done 7/28/13)

25. Teach Kaylin to make a full dinner with minimal assistance

26. Teach Ryan to read a recipe and make it without help (done 4/7/14)

26. Plan a girls day with my mom and Kaylin (done - better late than never - Mother's Day 5/8/16)

27. Take Kristi's crazy spin class at the gym...without leaving early (done 4/19/13)

28. Take either weights and/or kickboxing class every week for 3 months (done 5/3/14)

29. Jog for 30 minutes straight

30. Take an international trip with Mike

31. Go to bed at 9:00pm every night for a week (done 8/10/14)

32. Wake up at 6:00am every weekday for a month

33. Read before bed every night for a week (done 7/16/14)

34. Read the Bible every day for a month (done 5/10/14)

35. Surprise Mike at the office for lunch with the kids (done 6/18/15)

36. Build a firepit in the backyard (done 12/14/13)

37. Cross off everything on my to-do list every day for a week (done 4/7/14 and 6/14/14)

38. Pre-plan my three most important tasks for the day every evening before bed for a month (done 11/9/14)

39. Take a short vacation with another couple, no kids allowed

40. Do a three-day media fast (done 7/6/14)

41. Kidnap a friend's kids to give them a day off

42. Transition the boys' room into an "older" theme (currently trikes, scooters and wagons) (done 8/3/14)

43. Find an amazing hair stylist who can do my hair the way Kristi did (done 3/26/13)

44. Let the kids make most of the decisions for an entire day

45. Leave Ryan home alone with the younger kids (done 8/25/14)

46. Have Ryan be the teacher for an entire school day

47. Have Kaylin be the teacher for an entire school day

48. Teach Jason to read (done 3/28/14)

49. Don't raise my voice at the kids for seven days straight (done 4/7/13)

50. Teach Kaylin to curl her own hair (done 1/2/15)

51. Train Jason to be completely diaper-free (close enough 12/6/15)

52. Get a small pet for the kids (done 10/12/13)

53. Buy reading lamps for next to the kids' beds (done July, 2015)

54. Pay the kids their allowance (personally) every week for a month (done 4/12/14)

55. Plan something fun every family day for a month

56. Take the kids to Orlando for a Disney vacation

57. Clean out the paperwork in my file cabinet (done 11/24/14)

58. Have a $6,000 month in sales for Tastefully Simple (done 3/27/14 after my highest-ever party)

59. Build my Tastefully Simple team up to 100 people

60. Teach Jason to unload the dishwasher (done 5/1/14)

61. Teach Kaylin to fold the laundry independently (done 2/28/14)

62. Clean out the kitchen cabinets (done 3/13/13)

63. Declutter the coat closet (done 5/28/13)

64. Visit the Wildlife World Zoo (done - better late than never - 4/29/16)

65. Touch up the paint spots all over the house (done 11/18/15)

66. Hang the glass flower vase thingy somewhere where I'll appreciate it (done 1/5/14)

67. Find an age-appropriate book/series that Ryan enjoys reading for fun (done 1/10/14)

68. Go through books in bookshelf and donate what we'll never read (done 12/29/13)

69. Say three encouraging things to Mike every day for a week

70. Say three encouraging things to Ryan every day for a week (done 7/5/15)

71. Say three encouraging things to Kaylin every day for a week (done 7/5/15)

72. Say three encouraging things to Jason every day for a week (done 7/5/15)

73. Take 2 weekend getaways with girlfriends (done 5/4/13 and 5/30/14)

74. Make use of the compost bin in the backyard (aka turn the scraps into compost!)

75. Take a month sabbatical from Facebook

76. Make a new recipe off Pinterest twice a week for a month (done 5/18/13)

77. Invite neighbors over for a meal (done 10/22/14)

78. Go out to dinner with another couple six times - no kids allowed (Done: 3/8/13, 12/27/13, 3/7/14, 3/17/14, 6/26/14)

79. Go to the gym five days a week every week for a month (done 3/14/14)

80. Organize the laundry room (done 5/28/13)

81. Take the kids to a water park (done 6/22/13)

82. Do something crazy with my hair - crazy for ME (done 11/24/15)

83. Get caught up-to-date on my scrapbooking

84. Take a cake decorating class with Kaylin

85. Take the kids to the railroad park at Christmastime

86. Clean out my bedroom closet (done 1/1/14)

87. Clean out Mike's bedroom closet (done 1/1/14)

88. Donate the tv in our play room (done 3/23/13)

89. Buy AppleTV and downgrade our cable package (AppleTV purchased 3/31/13, apparently we can't downgrade or we'll lose our HD channels)

90. Get a new kitchen table (done 6/8/13)

91. Take a trip back to Kansas City (done 7/24/14)

92. Go on a special date with Jason twice (1/2 done 5/11/13 and 7/18/14)

93. Go on a special date with Kaylin twice (done 7/6/13, 8/9/14, 9/23/14 and 10/21/14)

94. Go on a special date with Ryan twice (1/2 done 3/22/14 and 9/28/14)

95. Lose 15 pounds (done - better late than never - 8/18/16)

96. Buy all new towels for the bathroom (done 12/25/13)

97. Buy new dishes (done 5/25/13)

98. Go to a firing range and shoot a gun (done 3/29/15)

99. Toss the schedule and sporadically be completely unproductive all day (done 5/3/13)

100. Prepare 30 new recipes (done 7/31/13)

101. Complete "Experiencing God" Bible Study

 

I AM Doing Something Right!

This morning, I woke up with a sore throat. Again. Forth day in a row for this nuisance that I thought I overcame last month, but alas, it is back. 

Or maybe it never really left...?

I couldn't swallow without wincing, so I made an appointment with the doctor. The last time I went to the doctor for a sick visit was 2007...we let things pass on their own around here. It took me forever to find her contact info because I didn't remember her name.

I hopped in the shower to loosen some of the crud in my airways. To add insult to injury, Aunt Flo had sent me the little gift of contraction-like menstrual cramps. Mike had to leave for work and I was very slow moving, so I was upstairs for a long while; I put Ryan in charge of the littler kids.

When I finally emerged downstairs, the sink was empty, the dishwasher was running, Ryan was taking out the trash and Kaylin was under the kitchen table with a small broom and dustpan "because the battery died on the rechargeable vacuum." Jason had just finished going to the bathroom and was able to snap his own jeans and zip his own zipper (a newly acquired skill) and the house was running like a well oiled machine in my absence. My eyes filled with tears.

My kids were getting along, they were taking initiative to do what needed to be done and weren't resentful of their big brother for being the temporary authoritarian. 

I was overcome with a sense of relief that I'm doing something right. Thank you, Lord, for that little gift of acknowledgement that all of my frustrations and headaches aren't in vain!!!!