Thank you for the all of the comments regarding my recent post:
He's not even two yet, folks...! I have to tell you: since writing that, things haven't been too bad. Maybe I just needed to get everything down on {virtual} paper and let it go? Once I typed out all of the issues that drive me nuts, it was almost like I accepted that we were going to be dealing with those behaviors for a long, long time. And I've been praying. A lot.
That post was also coming fresh off our trip to Disneyland, where Jason was getting very poor sleep, eating tons of sugary treats and we were all completely out of routine. I can't tell you how many times I looked at strangers {embarrassed} and said, "He's such a good listener..." with complete sarcasm.
At one point during our trip, we all split up to be efficient: Mike and Ryan went to stand in line to race cars, my mom held our place in line to see the Princesses, and I took Kaylin and Jason to look around and keep them busy. We went to Toontown and I saw a very short line to see Minnie Mouse. I pulled Jason out of his stroller, threw the diaper bag and camera bags over my shoulder and stood in line with Kaylin. Jason was getting heavy (not to mention the bags), so I put him down, giving him strict instructions to stay close to me. One minute, he was quietly playing near my feet and the next minute, he sneaked under the rope divider and darted across Toontown. In a panic, I begged the mom behind me (we had been chatting) to keep an eye on Kaylin while I ran after Jason. One of the bags got caught as I tried hopping over the rope divider and I practically fell flat on my face. I still (2 weeks later) have a giant bruises on my leg. All because Jason didn't so much as *pause* when I shouted his name. He just kept running.
That's why he spent the majority of our vacation in his stroller.
Anyway, back to my post about Jason's Terrible Trying Twos behavior: one of the comments on my blog was particularly encouraging, and was followed up with an email that I received permission to share. For those of you who appreciate my blunt honesty, you will enjoy this post. This is a new reader, Liz, and she writes mini-novels, just like me...so for those of you dealing with independent, strong-willed little ones, get comfortable!
-----------------------------
Her original comment to the post:
Hi! I'm new here. I found you by way of somebody else, just strolling around the intereebs during my one moment of peace today! Lol. Anyway...I can SO sympathize. My oldest was SO like that!!! He has now just turned four, and it is SO much better. Some things that have worked very well for us:
1. Fish oil. Seriously. Trader Joe's makes gummies with no artificial color (see #2) and they have worked wonders.
2. Take him off ALL food coloring, especially red-40. Take him off as much processes everything as possible. Sometimes, food allergies manifest as behavior issues. Red40 is one of the worst for that.
3. A book called "Making the terrible twos terrific" by John Rosemond helped us a lot.
4. Focus on one behavior at a time, and do everything you can to encourage him to do it well. Punish if you have to, but try to focus on encouraging the right behavior. Even a tiny. Little. Bit of the right behavior. Some kids--mine being one--DO NOT respond to punishment, fear, or shame. You have to steer them by encouragement. It takes some getting used to, and it doesn't mean that you shouldn't hold him responsible for his behaviors, but...encouragement will get you FAR further. I would be happy to share some personal examples of what we have done with our child, if you want. Hang in there, you can do it! :) Liz
-----------------------------
(I emailed asking for personal victories that she's experienced and this was her response...)
Hi, Katie!
First of all, try not to beat yourself up. Every kid is different, but it doesn't mean he's bad. He is going to teach you to stretch yourself--in good ways. :)
I must reiterate, I cannot tell you what a difference the fish oil made. Night and day difference. Please, get yourself as quickly as possible to a Trader Joe's (or wherever) and get him some fish oil! We like the gummies, because they taste good so there's no fight getting them into him. But there are other ways. Find what works for you. A word of caution about the gummies though--make sure to brush his teeth after.....we learned the hard way that gummies make ideal cavity starter. Yeesh! But you know what? STILL TOTALLY WORTH IT. (We ran out once, because our once-monthly trip to Trader Joe's got delayed by a week...it was a MISERABLE week. I swore I would never be late again!!!)
Think of it as a brain-chemistry deficiency--and the fish oil (Omega 3's, mostly-) replaces whatever is missing in the brain, at least somewhat, and allows them to function more normally. Just like when a person is deaf--they have a deficiency, but they can cope. But when they get a cochlear implant, they are like WHOA! NORMALCY! haha. They are still deaf, but they now have the option of at least relatively normal hearing!
That really solved a BUNCH of our problems. The rest of it, is training yourself in what works for his personality....which is the harder part!
Now, obviously, I haven't met Jason, so I can't like "diagnose" him or anything (and I'm definitely not a doctor! LOL) but *IF* he were to have the same brain chemistry issues that my son has, there is a chance he might be ADHD. My husband and I both are (I do not have the hyperactivity, just the inattentiveness) and yes, my older son DEFINTELY exhibits a lot of the symptoms. I tell you this only because I am learning SO MUCH about how the ADHD brain--and personality--work. It really can be quite a beautiful thing, once you learn how to deal with it! So, a lot of my strategies are things I've learned that work for ADHD kids. But regardless of what your son may or may not have, if it works, YAY!
There are two tricks that seem to work WONDERS for us. The first one is encouragement, encouragement, encouragement. The second one is, whatever the problem is, making the problem HIS, not YOURS. I'll give you some examples.
My son was an absolute SLOB. (well, okay, he got it from me. It's an ADHD thing and also a personality thing. But its also because *I'm* a slob. *sigh*) He would pull out EVERY SINGLE TOY at one time. I mean, not even playing with them....just...dumping out the bins off the shelf just for the sake of dumping htem and seeing all the toys on the floor. GAAAH, right?? I could spend 45 minutes sorting all the toys back to their respective bins (I'm *trying* to learn to be organized....lol) Animals in one, cars in another, etc. And in 4 seconds flat, he could dump everything out again. It was enough to make me want to cry, scream, lock him in a closet (okay, not really) on more than one occasion.
Until I realized several things:
1.I was making the mess MY problem, not HIS.
2.Also, he wasn't doing it to upset me--that was just a side benefit. (Knowing that he had the power to control an adult's reactions, would reasonably be highly addictive to a little person, right?) He was doing it because he loved the feeling of the cars pouring out, and the sight of them goign everywhere. Or whatever. He saw that he could affect a serious change on his environment, and enjoyed doing it. That is completely age-appropriate. No matter how annoying. ha.
3.And, this HAD to change, if we were going to survive the next 16 years together. lol Thus, it was MY responsibility to make sure it changed. AND, I knew he did NOT respond to punishment, shame, or guilt, etc.
Anyway....so, several things happened. First, I put away 80% of his toys, when he was asleep. As in, up high, where he couldn't reach them. This was not to punish him, but to make the task of cleaning MUCH easier. This immediately brought hope to MY world, which made me less stressed.
Then, when he would make a mess with what was available, I would say, "Hey! Let's go play in your room!" Which of course, he was very excited about. And then I would point out the mess and how it was going to be impossible to play in his room with all this mess! So, we would start VERY SMALL (some ADHD folks get overwhelmed very quickly, so we have to break tasks down into very small components) and JUST look for the cars, for example. And of course he would quickly get distracted by some of the other toys, so I would point out, "there's a GREEN CAR! Grab the green car and toss it to me!" and I would try to catch it in the bucket, or whatever. So we made a game out of it, which made it fun. ADHD folks have NO DESIRE to do stuff unless it's fun. I mean, WAY more than the average person, who can be shamed, guilted, or "duty-ed" into doing stuff....for us...you HAVE TO make it fun or we just don't care. Anyway....so we made a game of just picking up the cars, and each time he picked one up and put it in the bin, I would praise him. "YAY, good PICKING UP that car! Can you go get that blue one over there?" See the encouragement? And the more praise he got, the more he wanted to continue to earn my praise. Also, notice that HE was cleaning up the toys, NOT ME. And as soon as the task was over, he got to play with me in his room. So he got reward for his task being done. ZERO punishment, shaming, or guilt. Just encouragement and reward. But, HE was the one held responsible for his behavior, as it was HE who was doing the cleaning up.
You have to somewhat plan ahead for teaching moments like these...you can't do them when you're in a hurry. You have to expect that it's going to take a LOT longer than if YOU did it by yourself, which for busy moms can be VERY hard to deal with. Kind of like potty training! It is a long-term investment. Worth making the time for. Also, keep the task VERY short, and VERY limited, so that he sees the success immediately, and it's done (or at least over) before he has a chance to get frustrated. Also, pick a behavior to work on that is an easy one....i.e., don't start with the one you think is his worst trait, right out of the gate! Start with something less intense. concentrate on only one thing at a time, for however long it takes for it to become habit. Weeks, possibly, before moving on to the next one. And always, always, try to catch him "being good". Anytime you see him doing any little bit of something that fits into your goal for the target behavior, point it out. Anytime you see him clearly choosing NOT to do the target behavior, instead of punishing him or reprimanding him, say, "Hey Jason, remember, you are not supposed to be doing that. Can you please do [target behavior] instead? Let me see! And then praise, praise, praise.
So anyway....we practiced the cleaning up thing a LOT. His daddy would do it with him,too. And of course, Daddy Time is Special, so that helped A LOT. Lots of encouragement, from the people he loves most. Small, quickly completeable tasks, lots of praise. Be very specific, too. YOu can't just tell him, "clean up all the cars". That's a generalization that older kids and most adults can handle, but not little kids. ESPECIALLY little kids with possible brain chemistry issues! OR some adults, for that matter! (*ahem*) For example, my husband and I might have different definitions of what a clean kitchen is. He tells me, please clean the kitchen. I say, I did already! See the problem? So, being as specific as possible in your expectation, can also help.
We had problems with the shoes in the car, too. My kid just doesn't like to wear shoes. So.....we take them in the car with us, wherever we're going, and just put them on him when we get there. There really isn't any reason he HAS to have shoes on IN the car, and it saves me the aggrivation of having to fight him to get them on, and then FIND THEM and put them on AGAIN. Happy kid, non-stressed Mommy. WIN! If he still refuses to allow his shoes to be put on, he doesn't get out of the car. So practice a few times, in places like a favorite park, where if you have to, you can LEAVE HIM THERE, strapped in, for a few minutes, (but still see him from like 15 feet away) while letting him see that compliance wins him FUN, while NON compliance does NOT win him a frustrated mommy (cause that's fun) but merely no fun for him. That makes it HIS problem. He's stuck in the car, because he would not wear his shoes, while Mommy and sibs are having fun without him!! Then, after 5 or so minutes, go back to him and say, "are having fun sitting in the car? No? Are you ready to put your shoes on so you can join us?" It's HIS choice. If he's ready, praise him, help him with his shoes, and let him out. If he chooses no, say, "Okay. I'll be back in a little bit" and leave him there again. He will eventually get the hint!
One of the BIG things we had to work on with my son, was running away from me when I called him. He thought it was a game! I called, he ran, I chased. Um.....that means it is MY problem. I had to find a way to make it HIS problem. So, I would call him, and I would say, "Kai, if I have to come get you, you will get a spanking. Come to me by yourself". And of course, he would run, and I would have to catch him, and he immediately got a solid spanking and I would reiterate, "When Mommy tells you to come, YOU MUST COME". This is no joke, it is a safety issue of the highest order. I do not spank very often, but for safety issues, it is a must (in my book). After about six spankings in a row, he got the picture. Then, as he began to come when called, he got a BIG hug, and a "Good job! Mommy called you, and you came! GOOD JOB!!" Then....he would do The Test. He would come halfway, and wait to see what I would do. I realized I a choice. I could go to him (he wins!) or I could repeat my call and see if he comes the rest of the way. When he didn't, I would go to him and spank him, just as if he had not complied at all. Because partial compliance is still partial non-compliance, which in safety issues cannot be tolerated.
Okay, so this is a novel! SORRY!!! If this is helpful to you, I will happily write more! Let me know. :)
No matter what, your child is very lucky, because he has a mom who cares enough to be frustrated by his behavior, and be willing to do what it takes to fix it! You're a good mom. Be encouraged!!
;) Liz
Posts
