I never thought I wanted to be a stay at home mom (SAHM). When Mike and I were dating, the topic came up and I was adamant about keeping my career after having children. (not that I even liked my job that much, but no man of mine was going to force me to stay home in a robe eating bon bons and watching soap operas all day)
After we got married, the battle continued and as I began to grow in an understanding of submission, I prayed for God to either change Mike's heart or change mine. He changed mine.
Looking back, I wonder why it was so difficult for him to convince me to retire to motherhood at the ripe old age of 27? No more rush hour traffic, no more office drama, no more stress dreams about urgent phone calls I forgot to return, no more unpaid overtime spent finishing time-sensitive assignments...what was I thinking???
I enjoyed slowing down my pace of life once I had a newborn. Of course, I was usually tired, lugging an infant seat on errands took twice as long, I scheduled my life around feedings and naptimes and adjusting to living on one income felt restricting, but the rewards far outweighed the drawbacks. I was relaxed. I could make my own routine. I got to meet long-lost friends for lunch on the other side of town. Life was good.
Life IS good. I love being a SAHM. I love my life. I think...
An old high school friend touched base with me through Facebook today. As I looked through her profile to catch up with her, I noticed all of her school credentials: grad school, law school, law school in Japan...I sent her a note to say, "hello" and found myself suddenly insecure. Here she is, some fancy attorney in DC having studied internationally and here I am: "just" a SAHM. I'm normally very proud of that title, but for some reason, I paused while typing her note. I felt the need to justify how content I am with my simple little life. To show off pictures of my kids. To defend the fact that I choose to stay home with my kids and that I'm not in financial crisis because I'm out of work.
Why is that? When I'm among other SAHM or in my circle of friends, my life is acceptable. Even admirable among some who can't afford to stay home for this reason or that.
I sent off the email and finished putting away the laundry. Then I helped the kids into some costumes and cleaned up the breakfast dishes. I started dinner in the crock pot and found a temporary home for some PJs I bought for baby #3 this weekend. Then I sat. The kids were off pretending somewhere in another room, the house was picked up, laundry done, and I'm stuck at home waiting to let in the drywall guys to patch up some gaps around the new windows. I found myself bored. And questioning how happy I truly am with the life I've chosen.
Okay, so maybe I'm over analyzing this and feeling a bit hormonal from the pregnancy. I'm also feeling like I have a bunch of errands to run and would love to go to the gym or at least take the kids to the park, but these drywall guys and their 4-hour time frame are making me stir crazy. I just found it interesting how quickly I became defensive about the life that I love to someone who certainly didn't pick a fight about it. She didn't say a word! She's just being her highly educated attorney self in DC and asked to reconnect on Facebook. This was all self-induced doubt and drama on my part.
Why am I sharing this? I don't know. I just needed to get it out, I guess. And maybe if some of you have felt (or are feeling) this same way, you won't feel so selfish for questioning the life YOU chose. I mean really...I get to have lunch dates with friends, play dates at the park, go to the gym anytime I want, grocery shop and run errands during the day when it's quiet, swim with my kids on a whim (did that rhyme?) - I have a great life.
I really can't complain. I do love my life. (and if these workmen would hurry and show up, I could get on with my life today instead of feeling trapped at home with 1,000 things to do...)
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8 comments:
I think we all struggle with feeling content no matter what choices we've made or had to make in life.
Chances are at one time or another, your highly educated, oversees experienced lawyer friend has wondered why she chose the path she did, why she doesn't have 3 blondes and a redhead of her own. Or maybe she does and she wonders if she would be a better parent if she stayed home with them.
The key is to be content no matter where you are.
Interesting to hear your thoughts. I am glad you are grateful for the opportunity that you have and are remembering that you have the dream life many would love to have.
The grass is always greener...
As a professional who sits in rush hour, wakes up having a panic attack over that 9am meeting I need to prepare for, stresses over the impending layoffs, works daily to jockey for that next great promotion-sometimes I sit in my tiny cubicle and dream of one day being a stay at home mom. Don't get me wrong, I love my job but at the end of the day I'm not making the world a better place, I'm not raising little ones into smart caring individuals who can contribute to society. Mostly I'm drawing a paycheck. Don't be so quick to feel judged. I dream of being where you are.
your post was fantastic. i often feel like i have to tell someone my degrees when they hear i am a stay at home mom. the "stigmata" of being a sahm is that you are dumb. i know. i saw so many of them in the school system when i taught. i was the same thing. i told hubby that when we had kids, i would immediately go back to teaching. never would i have dreamed that as soon as i held sam in my arms that i didn't want to miss anything. i wouldn't want him to be taken care of anyone buy me, you know?
when i talk to my one of my closest friends, i hear her dream is to have what i have. she again has the degrees like me, but she has to continue to work.
be content. i don't know if we truly will ever be deep down. if we are true to ourselves. i'm so not content on my body, but that's a whole new story.
anyways. i wish you lived close to me! we'd have a lunch date!
happy monday!
I think we all struggle... I'm on the opposite side -- no kids yet, and working on a graduate degree, and I wonder and struggle with where I am at. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I know exactly what you mean. When I go to my 20th reunion this month I will be the only one of my friends from high school who is a SAHM that doesn't homeschool. I have one child who attends public school. I am college-educated (and even in the midst of joining back to school for another degree). I never planned to stay home either. In fact, I went back to work a couple of years ago. I liked it ... it was an easy job, no stress, not a lot of money but I was at my daughter's school so it was very convenient. And then I realized what it is about staying home that I love ... my husband. I realized that I don't stay home because of my child ... I was probably a better mom when I worked. It was my relationship with my husband that suffered - I think intuitively I would give my child what she needed but I never had enough left to give my husband all he needed. So, I am at home ... a housewife. And most days - I like it. :-)
I always thought when I got married that I was going to have children someday after we bought a big house and had a lot of money. I was going to be a business woman and put my kids in daycare.
God had other plans
Surprise, when we were only married a year and I was still in college I became pregnant with my first son. The moment he was born I knew there was no way he was going to go to daycare. (I know there are awesome day cares out there so I am not down on day care!)
I was able to have my mom babysit until baby two came. I then cut my hours to part-time and we bought out TINY house!
Baby three came. I became a SAHM. We were broke. But, my kids were raised by me. Today I have that grad school degree and I teach full time. My favorite years were the ones when my children were home with me.
There's time enough later to work and make money.
You're doing great job! The hardest in the world. Mom.
Thanks for this post. I didn't even want kids until I met my husband when I was 25. Now we have two boys. I am a stay at home mom, never imagined that. I didn't go to college, I didn't have some amazing, rewarding career but I never thought I'd be at this place. It is the hardest, most demanding job I've ever had. I often take it for granted. I often feel like I should be doing so much more. I'm trying to learn to be content with all the blessings I have but it seems like something is missing. Don't get my wrong, I love spending time with my boys and watching them grow and thrive. I also enjoy not going to work. I am reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge and I'm hoping it will enlighten me on the subject. Thanks again and thanks for letting me spew. I love my life, too... I think...
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