Comparing kids isn't always evil

I hate comparisons. Always have. Maybe because I'm an only child and wasn't raised being compared to siblings - who knows? I intentionally try not to compare my kids to each other or to compare either of them with other kids, but it's so hard NOT to compare sometimes, you know?

We have friends whose son is a year older than Ryan and is the most well behaved boy I know. When his parents tell him something, he complies every time. I met the kid when he was about 2 and a half and he was this way, even then. Could be his temperament, could be their amazing parenting ability, they could beat the tar out of him when no one's looking, the world may never know. Regardless, he's a great kid.

I noticed recently that whenever we're with this family, Mike is particularly hard on Ryan. I finally figured out that compared to this other kid, Ryan seems near-obnoxious. We have to repeat ourselves (often) to get Ryan's attention and there are so many rules to follow at this family's house, he often forgets them and is corrected again and again and again. The standard is set so high. We tend to forget that Ryan IS a full year younger than this other boy and has a stronger will; he's less mature and needs more direction. He's not a bad kid, just different. But it's tough not to compare when this other child is SO well behaved.

A few days after our last visit with this family, I found a book called, Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days. I'm telling you...I'm only on the 3rd chapter and I have seen major improvements already. I won't get through this book in 5 days, so we may not have a "new kid" until Friday, July 25th, but still. The author goes through common issues parents face, using examples from tots to teens, all showing disrespect to their parents in various ways. All I've gotten through so far is tackling your child's attitude. The thinking is that you won't change your child's behavior until their attitude changes. It makes complete sense. Oh, and by the way: he walks you through changing your attitude as a parent before working on changing the attitudes of your kids. Of course! What parenting book doesn't work on training the parents before the child???

I'll do a full post on the highlights when I'm done with the book, but so far, I'm lovin' it. I highly recommend it if you have power struggles with your kids or if you find yourself frustrated that they're not "getting it" or if you're sick of raising your voice to get their attention. The 5-day challenge seems to good to be true, but I'm already seeing results and we're only on "day 2." Very practical advice.

All that said, today we had an out of town friend come over to visit. My friend's daughter is just a few days older than Kaylin, so you'd think the play date would have been a piece of cake. Granted, she was out of her element, likely overtired from sleeping in a pack 'n' play in a strange house, missing her Daddy, and had spent a lot of time with her tantrum-driven older-cousin the week before. So she was testing the boundaries quite a bit. But I found myself comparing my kids again. Not in a "I'm so glad they aren't acting like that" way, but in a "I'm so proud that they're behaving so well despite the fact that there's another child breaking our house rules" kind of way.

It got me thinking: Do I expect too much from my kids? Are they just having a better-than-normal day? Were they "good" this morning because they were in their own home? Are the results from this book making the impact I'm hoping for with my children? Regardless, I was completely proud of the way they acted and behaved. Yes, there was some whining and a time out in there somewhere, they weren't perfect, but given the circumstances, my kids generally jump on the what-can-we-get-away-with bandwagon and take a joy ride. But not today. So is comparing my kids to other kids always a bad thing? I've decided: not necessarily. Today, it made me hug them a little tighter, gaze at them with a bit more pride and appreciate them a little more. And I was revived for an afternoon of potential meltdowns to come!