Q&A Wednesday - Keeping Commitments

So how do you like the sound of "Q&A Wednesday with Kay-tay" - ??? Yeah, too much. Just "Q&A Wednesday" is good. Here's my first post answering the Q that struck me the most. More A's to the Q's next Wednesday. Feel free to keep the Q's comin'!

Nat asked, “Have you ever backed out of a commitment? How did you do that? I ask, because sometimes we get ourselves in over our heads before we realize it, and before you know it, we have way too much going on to do it all, and then have to start saying no or even 'cancelling' some obligations. I'm teaching 2 classes at church and work full time and and and, the list goes on...and I'm feeling overwhelmed...it all happened so fast :)”

I probably have a unique answer to this, Nat, but I very rarely back out of commitments. Growing up, my mom made me stick to my first commitment 100% of the time. Period. If I agreed to have a sleepover and the next day a birthday party invitation came, I had to decline the party and stick with the sleepover. It created a strong sense of commitment in me from an early age and I learned to think long and hard before committing in the first place. My "yes" was always "yes" and my "no" was always "no."

When I met Mike, his standard response to any activity was, "I don't see any reason why not." What I quickly learned was that his statement left him a back door, just in case something better came along; which happened often since our single friends were such last minute planners.

This created a problem when we got married. For example, when he had a hard day at work and wanted to reschedule a dinner with friends that night, sparks flew in our house. He didn't understand that I did NOT cancel plans unless there was an emergency.

What I've finally learned after 10 years of marriage is that Mike's idea of a "full schedule" and mine are completely different. He'd like our family to be home together most evenings, doing only one outside activity during the week and one per day on the weekends. I'm very happy with a couple of weekly activities and a variety of morning, afternoon and evening plans on the weekend. So we've had to compromise.

As far as over committing, it doesn't bother me to say "no," but I know not everyone is comfortable turning others down. I think it's healthy to have boundaries and wish people could practice being honest and saying, "no" more often. For me, I plan down time into my days and weekends so that I don't burn out. But that comes easily because I'm a planner.

Also consider the fact that if your schedule is too busy, you can't make yourself available to help others that might have a last minute need. Would it throw your world into a tailspin if a neighbor asked you to watch their toddler while they took an older child to the hospital? Or if a co-worker started asking you questions about your faith on the way to the parking lot after work? Or if a friend called in tears after a fight with her husband? We all need to keep windows of time open for unexpected emergencies that we really don't want to say "no" to.

My recommendation is to know where your boundaries are as an individual and with your spouse. How much down time do you need? How much transition time do you need between activities? What kind of time will the commitment require outside of the actual event (planning, prep work, practice, coordination with other people's schedules) - take everything into consideration before agreeing to add something new to your calendar.

Nat, if you're feeling overwhelmed, it sounds like you might need to back out of one or two of your regularly scheduled commitments. Chances are that your outside commitments are forcing your personal commitments down the priority list.

I'd like to share some awesome advice I've heard many times: think about who else can do the jobs that you do. No one else can be a wife to your husband. You are the only mother to your children. You (likely) can't quit your job. But could a co-worker help with the new assignment that's causing you to stay late every night while everyone else goes home to their families? Can someone else teach the class at church? Can someone else host your monthly book club? Can someone else make signs for the neighborhood garage sale? Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should do it. God loves your servant's heart, but not at the expense of your family, your personal needs (like sleep!) or your sanity.

I'd like to ask everyone else: What are your thoughts? How do YOU keep from over committing? What do you do once you realize you've over committed yourself?