Battling Attention/Focus Issues with Nutrition

Last week, I mentioned that we took the boys off gluten. Many moms with hyperactive, um, busy children have reported incredible results in behavior when their lifestyles eliminated wheat and gluten. Children with ADD and ADHD who have removed gluten from their diets have been taken off medication while showing vast improvements in following instructions and focusing on daily tasks, chores, and school work.

I wanted to give it a try, even though I didn't understand all of the details. After this weekend, I finally feel like I'm in the loop on WHY it works, not just THAT it works. 

Mike and I spent all day Friday and Saturday at the Arizona Families for Home Education (AFHE) Annual Conference. One of the speakers, Dianne Craft, taught one-hour break-out sessions to cover a variety of learning delays and processing problems. This woman was awesome: she stopped doing personal consultations (people would fly in from all over to see her for just a day) when she realized she was booking out more than 12 months. Now, she teaches to the masses through her website and speaking engagements. She doesn't want kids to wait a year to get the help they need. I was so blessed to hear her speak about topics that are daily struggles in our family.

Her talk about why kids have focus and attention issues was absolutely intriguing. Sure enough, the primary reason for many children has to do with their nutrition. 

I feel like I'm going to be all over the board explaining what I learned this weekend, so I apologize. To hear what I heard, you can go to this website and click on 2013 AFHE Annual Convention (if it's not available now, it should be up later this week) and get the "Kids and Teenagers with Focus/Attention Problems" $4 download. If you struggle the way we do with any kind of learning glitches, daydreaming kids, even picky eaters or kids who are highly sensitive to textures, sounds or tags on their clothing, listening to this download will be a great investment of your money and time. (PS - No, I am not being paid in any way for referring you to her website.)

In the meantime, I'll try to recap some of the highlights for you. Basically, kids with these kinds of issues have an imbalance in their "gut". Maybe they had anti-biotics for ear infections when they were little or you had mastitis while nursing and took anti-biotics yourself. Regardless, the affects are  completely reversible and the results are incredible. 

Many of us know that people, boys especially, don't get enough essential fatty acids and oils. Increasing fish oil (not from Costco or Walmart, by the way - we've been taking the wrong pills) and other natural supplements (to rebalance their "gut") will show amazing improvements when paired with drastically reducing (or eliminating) gluten, processed foods and sugar. She has many supplements that she personally recommends and sells on her website, but she encouraged us to buy them at our local health food store or online if we can find them cheaper. Her heart was to help kids, not to get rich...I am so excited to see if this affects our boys and even me, with my unmedicated ADD. This is her recipe for rebalancing the "gut": 

* Pro-biotics 3 times a day for 3 months to "re-plant" the good stuff that was killed off by anti-biotics. (NOT chewable, liquid or powder and must be refrigerated only - if you get this brand from a discount provider, you will just need to take double the amount of capsules because it will not have been received in freezer packs and has less "life" in it)

* A natural anti-fungal like Grapefruit Seed extract 3 times a day for 3 months to kill the yeast that is fed when gluten and sugar is consumed. Tablets only, not liquid. For children under 6, open the capsule and sprinkle it on something sweet - as long as it gets swallowed, do what works!

* To see the full effects of what healing nutritional deficiencies in children really can do, she also recommended trying the following 3 times a day for 3 months: magnesium (for noise sensitivity, irritability, racing thoughts), 5HTP (the "cooperation" vitamin, insomnia, fear, helps the "Eeyore" personality), EFAs (attention/dyslexia), Orange-Flavored Cod Liver Oil (that is emulsified) for better brain performance. There are recommended brands of all of these in her website store.

Mike is a natural skeptic and even he is on board. We shopped around and placed an order for a bunch of natural supplements that we're going to try. The personal testimonies for various results of this 3 month "plan of attack" were inspiring. Children whose grades improved, some who ate meat for the first time after 5 years because the texture didn't bother them, others whose learning problems were "fixed".

The characteristics of the types of kids this process will help described my (seemingly picky/stubborn) boys to a tee. Things like anger/irritability/aggression, memory problems, bed wetting, chewing on clothing (this is new for Jason), sensitivity to loud noises, sensitivity to tags on clothes or clothes that aren't soft/worn in, seeing more negatives than positives ("it's not fair"), mood swings (I affectionately call Jason my bi-polar boy), sugar/carb cravings - just to name a few. Kids don't exhibit all of the characteristics listed, but I was shocked how many of them described Jason and Ryan.

If you're interested, I'm happy to scan and email a copy of my notes from this lecture, as she doesn't go over all of the hand out verbally in the recording that I linked to above. But seriously, this information was life-changing. Unless, of course, it was all smoke and mirrors and doesn't work at all. In which case, I will humbly retract the praises I have been singing throughout the past several paragraphs.

I truly think this woman is a genius. Or the people who taught her were geniuses and she's just passing along the information. Regardless, I cannot wait to put some of her advice into practice. I normally don't care about the science and reasoning behind why things are the way they are, but hearing her explain the brain and how it works was captivating. Her talk on Training Your Child's Photographic Memory is going to transform how I teach my kids math and spelling. If you're a homeschool mom, be sure to download that recording as well, or at least watch the brief video about her Sight Word Cards on her main webpage. 

I'm so excited to get started with our "new" school year in a few weeks. My kids are going to get their confidence back and fall in love with learning once again!!!

(How's that for optimism?)

Dinosaur Birthday Cake (with Volcano, Lava and Oreo "dirt")

For Ryan's dinosaur-themed birthday party today, I got creative (*surprise, surprise*) and made a fun volcano cake.

I lined both a large 11"x14" cake pan and a Small Batter Bowl from Pampered Chef with parchment paper before pouring the batter of two chocolate cake mixes.

(*Note about the batter bowl: you can safely bake in it...I also used it to make the skirt of Barbie's dress for Kaylin's princess cake last year. The cake is very dense, so it takes longer to bake, but it is SO moist! Any smaller, oven-proof glass bowl would probably work OR you could shape the volcano out of any shaped cake pan with a serrated knife.)

Once the cakes were baked and cooled, I covered and frigerated them until I was ready to decorate the final cake.

Yesterday, I transferred the large, rectangle cake to a serving platter and frosted it with chocolate frosting. Then I took the "volcano" piece out of the batter bowl and used a serrated knife to make the top (which would be the bottom) perfectly flat. I flipped it over and frosted it, too.



Ryan and Kaylin helped me crush Oreo cookies (minus the filling) in a sandwich bag to make "dirt" on the surface of the cake. FYI: I think I used less than 1/2 of a package of Oreos. (after this picture was taken, I covered the volcano and the sides of the cake with Oreos, too)


A little red food coloring in some white frosting created the lava. I microwaved it for about five seconds to make it runny and easier to work with. (*Note: every kid wanted a piece of cake with lava on it.)

The final addition was a few smaller dinosaurs on top, plus a tree from one of Ryan's race track sets.

Happy Birthday, Ryan!!!

Kindergarten Peer Pressure

I'm a little shocked that Ryan is already dealing with peer pressure in Kindergarten. For the last few months, he's come home with situations that frustrated him at school and we've tried coaching him through what to do and say in the future.

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One particular friend seems to be quite manipulative. One minute, he's refusing to sit next to him at storytime and the next minute he wants to be BFF. On the first day of school, this boy told Ryan that they were best friends and, ever since, their little leader/follower relationship has blossomed. It's so confusing for Ryan, but what's worse is that Ryan's getting used to being treated this way. We've tried to teach him to walk away when this kid isn't being nice to him and to play with someone else, but the problem is that Ryan really wants to be this boy's friend. It breaks my heart hearing the things he says to him. Things like "If you don't give me the red scissors, I'm not going to be your friend anymore" and "Eat your dessert before your pretzels or I won't play with you at recess." Honestly, I'm not trying to guide Ryan away from this friendship, but instead I'm taking every possible opportunity to teach him how to respond with confidence and not be a pushover. The times that Ryan has followed through with our advice, sure enough, this boy did a complete 180 degree attitude adjustment and wanted to be BFF again.
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Even though I've seen some of the bad behaviors while aiding in Ryan's class, I decided to actually invite this boy over for Ryan's first little classmate play date. I picked the boys up today and within minutes of being home, I saw the kinds of things Ryan deals with in school every day. By the time his mom came to pick him up, I had a pool full of yard toys, I watched as Kaylin fell on her tailbone when this boy slammed her down on the teeter totter, I battled him about not going upstairs while the baby was sleeping at least a dozen times and I laid down the law about being mean to Kaylin, even stopping the friend from spanking her. There was a short stint in the middle of the play date when they were using their imaginations and destroying the backyard building a fort and again when they played hide and seek for a while.
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After dinner, there was so much to explain to Ryan that I didn't know where to start. I condensed the whole lecture into one of our house rules: Do what's right, even when others don't and even when no one is looking. I'm kind of glad he's battling this issue now so he'll have lots of practice doing what's right before he becomes a teenager. But seriously...Kindergarten? Doesn't that seem a bit early for peer pressure???

Over the Top for the Big Top (picture heavy)

It's official...Ryan is FIVE! I think this will be a birthday to remember for everyone.

First of all, I went a little overboard. (I know, who would have thought...me!?!) Because I started planning so far in advance, all of the prep work was pretty much done last weekend. So with some extra time on my hands, I got over-excited and did a few additional things to make the party that much more special.

For instance, I took about 20 minutes and made 3 huge signs with butcher paper and tempora paint from our kids' easel.

The kids asked to help earlier this week (why wasn't I including them the whole time?!?) and we worked together on the Lollipop Tree game. This was the only game I bought supplies for; we already had everything else. I used a 40% coupon at Michael's for this foam cone for the "tree," used green paint that I already had and stuck 2 bags of Blow Pops into the tree after it was dry. About 60-70% of the lollipops had the ends of the sticks colored (kids helped do that, too) and if the player pulled out a lollipop with a colored end, they won a ticket and kept the lollipop. An easy game that cost about $6 total and the prizes are a part of the game.


Mike took yesterday off work and we spent the day rearranging furniture, setting up the games and decorating. I got the idea (on a website somewhere) to take crepe paper and create a circus tent in the front room. Starting in the middle of the ceiling, we draped crepe paper to each corner of the room and let it hang down to the ground. Voila - circus tent.

The cupcakes were also created yesterday (thanks for your help, mom!!!) and stayed fresh in the refrigerator overnight. (I baked and froze the cupcakes last weekend and criss-cross cut the mini-marshmallows throughout the week. By Friday, they just needed to be assembled.)


Kaylin turned out to be an amazing helper! For nearly an hour, she carefully placed the cut marshmallows on each frosted cupcake - she was so proud of herself. We had to "correct" the first few, but it didn't take her long to understand how they were intended to look and we couldn't tell her cupcakes from ours!

I looked on Craigslist for some last minute carnival decorations and stumbled upon an amazing, very inexpensive clown duo. Because I was WAY under budget (by almost 1/2), we hired the team to paint faces and make balloon animals for an hour. A huge crowd pleaser and we only had one child with clown-fear (and one adult...my 32 year old cousin!) - probably because the clowns didn't paint their faces white and you could see that it was real people in dress up costumes.

For decorations, I used some popcorn buckets (that we use for family movie nights) filled with popcorn on tables in the family room and even in the bathroom. We also had balloons and crepe paper sprinkled throughout the house.


As the guests arrived, they got a loot bag with their child's name on it and began playing games while waiting for their name to be called for face painting.

The Carnival games were all things we had around the house. A ring toss, bean bag tic-tac-toe, bowling, a basketball shoot, a throw-the-balls-in-the-buckets game and a clothespin drop. There was also the lollipop tree and I wrapped up animal crackers for a "Guess How Many" type game.

The guest list did NOT look this overwhelming on Evite! The kids were really well behaved, until the older boys started beating each other with balloon flowers and having sword fights with their balloon swords...then it was time to settle down to turn the tickets in for prizes.

I set up the prizes in little labeled baskets. Each prize had a different ticket value. At the end of the party, the kids turned in their tickets (they got one ticket if they lost the game, 2+ if they won) for prizes. A similar concept to Chuck E. Cheese. Prizes included stickers, temporary tattoos, rubber spiders, glow bracelets, whistles, necklaces, funky sunglasses, snake toys, bubbles and silly straws. (I found many of the prizes on clearance, so other than the $.50 snakes, everything was between $.10-$.20 each.)

For those who want to borrow from this idea, this is how the party went:
10:30 - Carnival games, balloon animals, face painting, drinks and popcorn were available. I had a sign up sheet by the face painting station so the kids didn't have to stand in line.
11:30 - While everyone ate lunch outside under canopy tents (hot dogs, nachos, iced tea and lemonade), my family helpers cleared out the games.
12:00 - The kids turned in their tickets for prizes, then Ryan opened gifts inside.
12:30 - We sang Happy Birthday, ate cupcakes and ran wild in the backyard.

Overall, this party was a blast and ran very smoothly. I hit a snag when I couldn't find the carnival tickets yesterday, so I picked up some more early today while waiting for Walmart to fill the helium balloons. That hour-long detour to my morning was the most stressful thing about this party. Arriving home 35 minutes before party time and barking orders delegating last minute items to family members is not my idea of fun. (FYI - Walmart just raised the price to fill balloons from $.25 to $.50 each. Next time, I doubt I'll battle huge Super-Walmart on party day for balloons...the grocery store was $.59 to fill each, so I'll probably bring my balloons there.)

I'll gladly do boring old swim parties for the next few birthdays until Kaylin turns five. This was fun, but I'm exhausted!

Happy, Happy Birthday, Ryan!!!

Teaching about Temptation

I realize this is a silly, minor, pre-school situation, but I try to see the teachable moment whenever I can.

I should start by mentioning that I don't like Sponge Bob. I know many moms think he's harmless, but that show is not the kind of cartoon I want my kids to watch. Anytime you need to answer a question like, "Mommy, why did Sponge Bob jump off that building? Why does he want to kill himself?" you start getting clued in that it's not quality children's programming. I don't like the messages it sends, I don't appreciate the humor, and I certainly don't want my kids mimicking the behaviors and attitudes of the characters.

It's bad enough that I have to decode harmless phrases like, "Who killed my sister?" which seems odd until Ryan adds, "Who killed the Wicked Witch of the East...was it YOU?" (they love Wizard of Oz, flying monkeys and all)

That said, guess what show is usually on at our gym daycare? Yup. Sponge Bob. Sometimes they turn it to Playhouse Disney, but Sponge Bob is on more often now that the bigger kids are out of school. Whenever it's time to pick my kids up after my workout, they announce, "Hey Mom! Sponge Bob was on t.v. today!" Aah, the forbidden fruit...

The thing that makes me most frustrated is that every hour, they have the kids do a massive clean-up of all of the toys. The routine is: they get a sticker if they helped clean up, then they all sit in front of the t.v. for 5-10 minutes to relax before destroying the room again. I see why the workers do this, but it's starting to bother me. Several times when I've picked up the kids, they've been among 30 other kids sitting quietly in front of that horrible Sponge Bob cartoon. It was quite surprising to figure out that my kids are not being encouraged to, but practically forced to watch a show that I despise!

Well, yesterday when I dropped the kids off, one of the workers asked if we found out what we're having, so I stopped to chat with her for a minute. Before I left, I scanned the room to wave "good-bye" to Ryan and I found him alone, laying in front of the t.v., enamoured with Sponge Bob. Now, that could partly be my own fault since they don't watch t.v. at home anymore. The kid misses t.v. - I get that. (That's going GREAT, by the way...the imaginative things these kids are playing amaze me every day.)

I'm sure many of you are thinking, "If you'd just let him watch t.v. every once in a while..." Save it. The benefits of the t.v. being off in our home are not even worth arguing over. The fact that he gets creative when he's bored instead of flipping on the t.v. is so exciting for me. It's the same concept as giving your kids sugary foods consistently so they won't go nuts at birthday parties. Personally, I'd rather my kids overeat at parties and get the sick feeling they should get after eating garbage.

I called Ryan over to the little door and explained to him that he has a choice: even when I'm not around, he can choose to follow our house rules or he can choose to do what he wants to do, even if it goes against what he knows I would want him to do. He nodded, knowing exactly what I was talking about, looking down in embarrassment as he walked away. He knows why I don't like Sponge Bob. I've actually watched it with him and pointed out examples of why I disapprove of the show.

Fast forward an hour to pick-up time. Kaylin saw me right away and went to tell Ryan that it was time to leave. There he was, again, sitting alone staring blankly at Sponge Bob while dozens of other kids were busy playing around him. (*sigh*)

On the way to the car, I thought over my words carefully. Although this is a minor offense, it kind of isn't. I know many of you will think I'm blowing it out of proportion, but this could be a pre-curser to things to come. Integrity is a huge issue for me and I want to take every possible opportunity to teach these kids the importance of doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.

I started by talking to Ryan about the choices he gets to make when Mike and I aren't around. He has the freedom to obey the rules we set at home, to do as he pleases or to do what other kids are doing, even when he knows that we wouldn't approve. I explained that there are many rules that we have at home that need to be followed when he leaves our front door: using his manners, being kind and polite, sharing and taking turns, not using "potty words" or other disrespectful language, things like that.

From there, I brought up the choice he made to watch Sponge Bob at the gym instead of playing video games, coloring, climbing the slide structure, or to playing with other kids or toys. He hads plenty of other options of fun things to do at the Kids Club.

But this is where I leave it up to him. I want him to want to make the right choice. I didn't think I'd be giving him this freedom at his 5th birthday, of course, but this is very similar to a gazillion other choices he'll make as he gains maturity and wisdom.

I remember facing tough decisions in my early elementary years: should I use 4 letter words just like my friends? Should I tease the weird kid at school who gets on everyone's nerves or should I be kind to them? Should I "take" the crayons that my mom won't buy me or wait until my birthday, like she suggested? (by the way, I was 5 years old and I DID "take" them, but I felt so guilty that I didn't color with them for almost 3 years) Should I sneak a cookie that I was told not to eat, even though no one is around to see it? Should I lie to my mom about doing (fill in the blank here) without permission or should I tell the truth?

Remember when I recently posted about my kids growing up and getting easier? Um, yeah...they're not as physically needy as they once were, but the brain cells I have to use every day to mold and direct their young minds is exhausting. I'm beginning to understand the people who say that parenting only gets tougher. I think most phases are probably difficult in their own way. At first, the physical demands are exhausting, then you're in teach, teach, teach mode, and soon we'll have tween attitudes and hard-core teen issues to deal with.

And then they'll grow up, move out and we'll miss them like crazy. Are we gluttons for punishment or what???

Partial Obedience = Disobedience

Ryan and I have been having a rough week. Wednesday, inparticular, was horrible. He argued with everything I said, wouldn't follow the simplest of instructions, I thought I was going to lose my mind.

Then yesterday when I volunteered in his class, I heard his teacher ask him to sit "right over here." He sat down as he was asked, but sat on another side of the circle. I know that she asked him to sit in a certain spot for a reason. Part of the reason may have been that there was so much empty space, but the main reason is that the only other room on the carpet for him to sit was next to a boy who had been causing trouble all morning and she wanted to keep distractions to a minimum. But Ryan sat next to this boy, leaving the wide open space (where he was instructed to sit) completely vacant.

That's when it occurred to me: partial obedience is disobedience in God's eyes. If Ryan isn't going to obey each part of a request from me or his teachers, he will most certainly try to find loopholes when it comes to obeying God. And who is responsible for making sure he understands that? ME. Light bulb moment.

I turned to the other volunteer mom and said, "Oh, we are SO working on that this weekend!" She said, "On Easter weekend?" Curses. Not good timing, but this needs to be re-guided very soon.

So this morning, I started the day a little differently. Before breakfast, I sat down with Ryan and we prayed. Actually, I prayed, he repeated what I said. We prayed that God would help him to listen and obey the first time and that he would remember to ASK not TELL when he wants to do something different than what's requested of him. (ie "Ryan, please sit back down at the dinner table," with a response of "May I please get myself a drink first?" instead of "No, I have to get my milk first.") Those are my two biggest issues: repeating my requests and being argued with. It feels like he never just DOES what's asked of him without a negotiation. It's exhausting.

I mentioned this to my mom today and she reminded me about "The Strong-Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson. I just pulled it off my bookshelf and will be re-reading it this weekend. I vaguely remember skimming it when Ryan was two, but absolutely need a refresher course. And I find it hilarious that I thought he was strong willed THEN?! I need to get a handle on this problem before his teen years or I'm going to be in so much trouble...

300th post and learning that Ryan needs responsibility

First, this is my 300th post. Woo hoo! I realize my 200th post was just in May, so yeah, I've been a blogging fool lately. And what's crazy is that I had 10,000 hits less than a month ago and I'm just a few hundred away from already being at 15,000!!! It took me 7 months to get to 10,000 and only ONE month to get another 5,000. I must be posting something interesting...someone out there is reading what I have to say!

Moving on...I'm feeling a little nostaglic. I had "my girls" over for a play date today. Three of these five girls were among my very first friends in Phoenix and we figured out today that we've known each other almost 10 years! We started a Bible study and all of us were single (Mike and I were "just friends" at the time) and there was only one child between us, Kelsey, who was 4. She's now a freshman in high school and there are a slew of kids in the group. Over the years, a few girls came and left the Bible study, but this is our new core. Unfortunately, we live all over town and are busy with life, so now we hardly see each other. But I'll always love my girls! (This is the group, minus 4 kids who were in school):

And Sunday, you got to see me at 20, now you can see me at 2. How cute was I???

Last, a picture from this morning. We had a big storm last night, which brought in unusually cool weather, so the kids wanted to play on the swingset after breakfast. I was taking too long doing the dishes, so Ryan decided to help Kaylin put her shoes on. Notice Kaylin lounging back, watching him wait on her hand and foot. (pun intended!)

I've realized something in the last couple of days: Ryan desperately needs responsibility. When I don't give it to him, he takes on certain tasks by himself, often getting in trouble. I noticed that this morning...I was still in bed and heard Kaylin emerge from her room before 7:00. (a big no-no...she knows to wait until I come in to get her) I heard Ryan's door open, Ryan gasped, told her to go back to bed and attempted to usher her back to her room, Kaylin refused, Ryan tried picking her up and carrying her, Kaylin screamed...it was not what I wanted to wake up to. But I started seeing that, all day yesterday, Ryan was trying to "help." I'm constantly telling him that this or that is "not your job...it's Mommy and Daddy's job..." yet I've encouraged him to work things out with his sister on his own to avoid tattling.

Have I set this poor kid up for failure? "Try to work it out on your own, but if Kaylin gets mad at how you handle it and screams bloody murder, everyone gets in trouble." I hear him negotiating with her all the time, desperate to get her to comply so he gets his way, whether it's for her benefit or not.

So all day today, I asked him to help me. With everything. And I think it really worked...he felt like he was able to do big-kid things, I felt like I de-throned him from trying to be the third parent in the house to Kaylin, he felt important, Kaylin didn't get annoyed that he was doing things for her that she wants to do herself (because she is simultaneously becoming SUPER independent all of a sudden) - it was a good day.

Learning and Teaching Grace

I'm really getting a lot out of Grace-Based Parenting. It's a great book for parents of all ages. Reading some of the stories, I'm much more grace-based than I thought, but my new focus is to have a grace-based home. Mike and I can be too perfectionistic (is that a word?) and rarely let the little things slide in our house. I'm so over that. And today I got the opportunity to explain the concept of grace to Ryan.

Let me give you some background before I get into this. Ryan has recently had issues with spitting, saying "potty words," and (our newest pet peeve) saying, "Oh my God" really dramatically for attention. (I think he originally got that from a kid at school, but Mike noticed my grandmother says it quite often, so who knows) I received some advice from another preschool mom about how to handle all three issues and it's really nipped them in the bud. I've been hesitant to announce this idea to the world because frankly, I don't want to hear about it. It's worked for us and that's all I need to know. I had no intention of coming out of the closet on this one today, but as I type, it's becoming less and less of a big deal. You ready for the big reveal? (drum rolllllllllll) I put soap in his mouth. I know, I know, very 1950s of me, but it worked for this other mom and this (seemingly) minor problem (x 3) was getting out of hand. I explained to Ryan, in detail, the consequences for the above three actions and it took a full day for him to slip up and forget. ONE FULL DAY when these were conversations we were having with him 2-3 times each hour. No exaggeration. I was DONE. Fed up. Over it. Soooo...he got soap in his mouth. And it worked.

Before you go judging me, you have to know that it took a week of stewing over this issue and judging this other mom (hey - I'm willing to admit it...I thought it was extreme for her to take such measures) before I was willing to give it a try. I realize these things may seem petty, but getting soaked during the spitting contests that Ryan would start with Kaylin was annoying at home, and embarrassing in public. And if he wouldn't listen and obey the "no potty words" or "we don't say 'Oh my God' in our family" rules at this age, why would he comply with the soon to come "don't call people stupid" rules or "no swearing" - ??? I needed to get his attention.

Okay, enough about that. Go ahead and judge me, but I never thought it would work for this kid and it did. I've warned him that all issues dealing with the mouth (spitting, biting, saying inappropriate words) will be dealt with this way and he's been scared straight. Nothing else was working and thank goodness my last and final hope came through for us.

Moving on...we were in the car today and Ryan was singing some song that was making Kaylin laugh hysterically. He was hiding out of sight from my rear-view mirror and finally popped back into view to say, "I'm sorry I did that, Mommy," with a big smile on his face, "it was an accident." Hmmm...I found myself needing to explain the difference between something accidental and something purposeful. And the smile lead me to believe that it was not an accident. (whatever "it" was)

He fessed up that he'd been spitting. "But it was an accident, so I shouldn't get soap in my mouth." We went through the definition of an accident, doing something by mistake (forgetting that something is unacceptable) and doing something purposefully. I went back and forth about the soap thing because in reality, he didn't need to come clean. I was day-dreaming and delighting in the fact that my kids were laughing together...I didn't see or hear the offense. So I announced that I was going to give Ryan grace. (blank stare)

"What's grace?"
"Grace means that even though you spit, I'm not going to put soap in your mouth."

"Are we having grace for lunch?"

"No, honey. Grace isn't food."

"So I don't have to get soap in my mouth? I get grace instead?"

"Nope - no soap. Grace means that you get something that you don't deserve or that you don't get something that you do deserve. Like you know that the punishment for spitting is soap in your mouth, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well me not giving you the punishment means that I'm giving you grace, even though you spit."

"Oh. Then what's for lunch?"

Who knows if he got it. He's a bright kid, so I'm sure something stuck. He's also a hungry kid, that's why he couldn't get his mind off of lunch.

Child Wise

Even if you discovered that Baby Wise didn't work for your parenting style for your infant, you've gotta read these ideas. In our new effort to read more, last night before bed, I continued reading "Bringing Up Boys" and Mike continued reading "Child Wise." When we came upon something interesting we read it aloud to the other. (for me, it was kind of a fun parental bonding experience)

Since blogging about Ryan getting in trouble at school, we've heard some great advice. We had a neighbor over to play last night and realized that unfortunately, not much has changed. I figured out that most of the advice wasn't action-oriented. School starts back up tomorrow and I'm a little worried that Ryan hasn't made as much progress as I'd hoped during Christmas break. His newest thing is saying, "No," outright when we ask him to do something. We're trying desperately to figure out how to effectively change Ryan's recent behavior and have read some amazing ideas recently. Here are a few:

- Require a "Yes, Mom" or "Yes Dad" when you call your child's name or make a request. I grew up with this rule. It creates a verbal commitment from the child (to you and even to themselves) and respectfully lets you know that they actually heard what you said. That's all fine and good, but how do you get everyone in this new habit? The book suggested making it a game. This morning, we told Ryan that every time we say his name, he needs to respond with, "Yes Mom" or "Yes Dad" and come right to us. When he does, he gets a huge hug. We practiced a dozen times or so (each taking turns, including him calling us) and he thought it was the greatest thing ever. We told him that the game would continue throughout the day. Of course, he forgot after a while, but instead of, "Whu-ut?" or silence when we said his name, it's been, "Whu-ut? I mean...yes Mom!" and he'd come running for his hug. And when he forgets, we just remind him. The transition will come tonight when we explain that this new game will now be our new rule. Not only when we call his name, but also when we ask him to do something. One of his biggest problems lately has been listening and following directions, so this idea is going to be huge for us. It will actually take some re-training on our part, as parents, to remember the new rule, too. So we'll see how well this goes!

- Mike was hit hard by a section of the book dedicated to telling your child what TO DO and not what NOT to do. This is going to require a complete transformation in how Mike speaks and thinks. I hear him tell the kids what not to do a lot and we agreed that I could gently remind him by saying, "Is there another way that could be phrased?" I'm pretty excited about this one because I know the positive implications of guiding kids in the right direction instead of constantly pre-warning them not to do undesired behaviors.

- Another thing Mike is going to have to practice is telling, not asking. Often, he'll say, "Are you ready for bed?" instead of "It's time to go to bed." That leaves room for a yes or no answer and how fair is it if Ryan answers, "No, I'm not ready," and we say, "Too bad, it's time for bed."

- We learned of a new twist on something we've done for a while. If we're talking and Ryan wants to say something, instead of saying, "Mommy?" over and over or interrupting, we have him put his hand on our arm to let us know that he wants to talk. The book suggested taking it a step further and then putting our hand on his hand and giving it a gentle squeeze to acknowledge that we know he wants to talk. It seems simple, but so often, Ryan puts his hand on my arm then blurts out what he wants to say. After all, he's still three. And we're working on self-control...it will take a while!

- When kids do or don't do something that may be embarrassing or disrespectful to others, the book suggested simply saying to the other person, "We're working on that." For instance, if someone pays your child a compliment and they stare at them silently or run away, instead of dismissing it with, "He's just shy," or trying to get him to say, "Thank you," (more than a quick reminder) just apologize and say, "We're working on that." This doesn't happen too terribly often with Ryan, but with his recent issue of not listening, it can sometimes be embarrassing for us that he acts up or blatently ignores requests when there's an audience. Instead of going into a long, drawn out explanation, now it will simply be, "We're working on that." It can be used for not sharing at play dates, cutting in front of someone on the slide at the park, so many different instances. You're not excusing the behavior, just saving the correction for later in the car or at home. Then use the opportunity to explain how the child is expected to act/respond/behave in the future in those certain social situations.

- This last one is something I do periodically and something I intend to do each day on the way to school: review the rules or expected behavior before the situation arises. The example the book gave was this: as you go into a store with breakable items, say, "Don't touch anything unless I give you permission." On the way to school, I plan to go over the rules and remind Ryan that he needs to listen and obey his teacher, even when his friends may not, and that he needs to be a good example to others. Last year, I used to get SO frustrated with Ryan at Trader Joe's. They have mini shopping carts that kids love, but Ryan would take off running with them, running into other shoppers' heels and getting out of my line of sight. Then he would throw a fit when it was time to return the cart and go home. I tried cutting him off from his cart, punishing him, taking away privileges, I felt like I tried everything. Then one day, we sat in the car before going inside and I turned around and laid down the law. "I will let you push the little cart only if you stay near Mommy. You need to stay where I can see you and walk, not run. If you want to put something in your cart, you have to ask me first and when I say, 'It's time to leave,' you will walk over and put your cart away without any tantrums, then come right back and stand next to me in line. Do you understand?" I remember that Ryan was two at the time (because I had just had Kaylin), but he understood every word I said. That changed everything and I haven't had a single problem at TJ's since.

I hope some of these ideas are helpful for you and your family. I'm really encouraged that being proactive about this process will help Ryan make good choices from now on. Not all the time, but more often at least!

Winter crafts

I'm trying to get creative with Ryan and do some fun, Christmas-y, winter-y crafts this month. Here are a few ideas to whet your parental pallet:

Of course, there's the chain links to count down the days until Christmas. I didn't have enough red and green construction paper, so I had him color typing paper with a red marker and other paper with green and cut it into strips. (A little ghetto, but it did the job and we're throwing the strips away each day anyway, right?)













Yesterday, Ryan asked if we could make a snowman for Daddy. It was raining like mad (I was in heaven) and it seemed he thought it might snow. Poor, snow-deprived kid! I got creative and made up a craft with mini-marshmallows, a toothpick and some chocolate sprinkles. We made our whole family; Me, Ryan, Kaylin and Daddy. Ryan was very specific about who was who.










Someone suggested this one to me a few months back, but I don't think I really get it. It's a reindeer...handprints for the antlers and a footprint for the face. Ryan's foot is so big that it looks more like a moose, but I'm not sure if I'm supposed to draw something on there to make it look more reindeer-like or what. Suggestions?