"Lord, please change his heart. Or change mine..."

The last time I remember being on polar opposite ends of a decision with Mike was when we were engaged. He was dead-set on the mother of his children staying home to raise them, while I had just graduated college and had no intention of giving up my young career just because I birthed a couple of kids. (FYI: his mom was a SAHM during his younger years, mine was a Fortune 100 executive while I went to daycare. Not that we let our upbringing affect us or anything...)

I shared this dilemma with my Bible study friends and they suggested that I pray about it. So I prayed: "Lord, please either change his heart or change mine." If you remember from reading the whole story, my heart was changed. And I can't imagine it any other way.

Almost 11 years later, I am back to praying that same prayer.

A few weeks ago, in the heat of a huge argument minor disagreement Mike announced that he is done having kids. I was shocked that he made that decision for us...for ME...and felt like I'd been sucker punched.

To give you a quick history, our pregnancy with Jason was a surprise. I wanted one or two more babies, but Mike was still deciding. God took the reigns and made up Mike's mind for him. While I was pregnant, we discussed that if baby #3 was a girl, Mike really wanted to call our family complete. If it was a boy, he was open to having a fourth to try for another girl.

Since having Jason, whenever the conversation of baby #4 has come up (which it does because everyone asks if we're done or going to keep trying for another), Mike has always had the "if" disclaimer in there. Given how uncomfortable he is with the economy and his job security, I assumed that the "if" statements helped keep the pressure off himself. But apparently I heard "when" every time he said "if," and I'm finally realizing that in his mind, the "if" was growing smaller and smaller each time he said it out loud.

Now, this is not going to be a Mike-bashing post, but I feel led to share our situation. The problem is that there's no ability to negotiate with this topic. Either he gets his finalized family of five or we eventually try to have another baby. (or two, but I'm not pushing it...)

As an Accountant, his opinions are often shaped by the financial implications involved. Not only would having another baby cost us dearly during the pregnancy and delivery (our insurance is horrible, so we'd have to pay out of pocket) but Mike sees the long-term dollar signs as well.

Bless his heart, my sweet husband wants to make sure that we support each of our kids through college and help our daughter(s) with her wedding. When he hears, "more kids," he hears, "more cars, more tuitions, more potential weddings." He wants to give them the same opportunities his parents gave him, which were: he lived at home through college, all expenses paid, while he saved his paychecks so he could have enough money to put down on a house after graduation. I'm convinced that his lack of student loans and early real estate investment began the snowball effect for us living a debt-free lifestyle.

Then there's me. I don't worry about our future finances. I have a very freeing child-like faith that trusts that God will provide, as long as we're good stewards with the money we're given. I grew up wanting to "have a few and adopt a few." I don't know when those thoughts formulated, but it's always been my desire to have a larger family.

So we're at an impass. The initial emotion I felt after Mike made that announcement has subsided, partially because he retracted the fact that he's "done" having kids and now says that he just doesn't want to discuss it for a few years. Fine by me...my uterus has plenty of good years left! And in the meantime, I will continue to pray that God changes his heart. Er...um...OR mine. ;)

(And Kaylin is determined to keep asking God for a baby sister. Pray, girl, pray!!!)