During a swim date with my neighbor last week, she mentioned that a recent vacation had messed up her baby's nighttime sleep schedule. What's worse is that he suddenly wasn't napping anymore. At five months old. She was just weeks away from returning to work as a teacher and was feeling pretty stuck.
My advice to her was to focus on the naps. From everything I've read (and my own experience with three babies), each child should be able to sleep 11-12 straight hours by 6 months of age, if not sooner. Now, please don't start throwing rotten tomatoes at me if your two year old still wakes up crying in the middle of the night, but I stand behind this theory.
Here's why.
By six months of age, they physically no longer need to eat in the middle of the night. (unless your doctor recommends it for your underweight baby) If your baby knows how to put themselves back to sleep (without your help) during the day, they will be able to do the same at night. If they don't do it during the day, they probably won't sleep well at night...no matter how tired they are.
It's all about sleep associations.
Some babies have a pacifier, others have a blanket or a stuffed animal, but too many kids have the unwanted sleep association of MOM. Rocking, bouncing, singing or nursing back to sleep. If you don't mind "helping" your baby back to sleep, more power to you...I'm not here to judge. But if you want a little freedom and you're ready for your baby to be more independent when it's time for them to rest, they need a new sleep association that doesn't involve an adult.
(Updated: one sleep association that I forgot to mention is singing. I have sung the same song to each of my kids, probably until they were 2-3 years old, before bedtime and every nap. Maybe that's how "Rock-a-bye Baby" got it's fame! As I was singing to Jason the other day, it occurred to me how huge that sleep association has been for me. So, for those of you who read my post and are trying to figure out how to get your own babies to sleep well, whether you rock them to sleep or lay them down awake and drowsy, try picking a special song to sing to them each time!)
This picture (below) was taken of Jason in March. He was lying on a blanket on the floor, fussing. It was just a few minutes before I was going to load him into his car seat (where I knew he would fall asleep on the way to our destination), so I gave him his pacifier and blanket to keep him quiet until I was ready to leave.
Within seconds, he had snuggled the blanket to his face and his eyes were falling closed. In the middle of the family room carpet, surrounded by the loud chaos of the kids playing and me barking at Mike to load this and that into the van. (just bein' real...) It was not an ideal sleeping environment.
Yet, because he had his blanket and pacifier, he knew it was time to sleep.
My personal opinion about sleep associations is that they work best if they're given only when it's time to sleep and every time it's time to sleep. Often, the best sleepers are thumb suckers because their thumb is always attached. My oldest two found their thumbs around 3-4 months old, but with Jason, I forced a pacifier on him. (because it took so long to break Ryan of the habit) If you don't have a thumb sucker, try offering something else during naps and at night.
In addition to associating a particular object with sleep for your child, I'm also on the "cry it out" bandwagon. I know it's not for everyone, but if you rush in to comfort your child every time they make a peep, they will inevitably have trouble falling back to sleep on their own.
Those of us who do choose to let our babies cry it out know that, when done correctly, it only lasts a few days. We're viewed as heartless monsters, yet once the work is done, most babies fall asleep quietly and even wake up quietly 99% of the time for years to come.
I'm an avid Baby Wise fan, so if you need more structured ideas of why and how to let your baby cry (without feeling like a neglectful parent) then pick up a copy of Baby Wise and read, read, read. I'm not going to get into all of the details here.
I will say this one thing: if your emotions tell you to go in and pat the baby's tummy to let them know you're still there, do it. But if you've met all of their physical needs (they're fed, have a clean diaper and aren't too hot/cold) and they've been awake for any length of time over an hour or two (more for toddlers) then they're tired. They're crying because they're tired.
Most babies aren't wired to only cry when there's something wrong. Sometimes they just cry because they're babies. Babies cry. That's what they do. I had colic as a baby and cried for hours every day, despite my mom's attempts to calm me. I didn't cry...rumor has it that I screamed. And not just for a few days...for weeks and weeks. But I don't have any emotional childhood scars! I turned out fine. Just sayin'.
If you let your babies cry it out at a young age, the "what if's" are significantly reduced. You know they aren't teething and you can eliminate most of the other 100 things that run through your head when determining why they're crying. The older they get, the stronger their will.
And if you wait until they're over 8-9 months...then you have a baby who can stand in the crib while they're crying. It's much easier to cry yourself to sleep when you're laying down than when you're standing up, wouldn't you say?
Please understand that letting your baby cry it out isn't easy. It wasn't easy for me as a mom, for any of my kids. In fact, just a few months ago, when venting to a girlfriend about Jason waking at 5am every day, she suggested I move him downstairs to the playroom. I was so concerned about him waking up the rest of the house that I'd go in to shush him or pick him up, which accidentally started his day. By moving him downstairs, the crying didn't seem as loud and within two mornings, he began sleeping until 7am, cooing and playing until I go in to bring him to the breakfast table.
If you're mentally arguing with me about letting your baby cry it out, focus on finding a sleep association for them instead. A small stuffed animal, a blanket, something that they can identify as "looks like it's time for me to fall asleep now." And remember: they might have this for several years, so pick something durable that could even be replaced if lost.
Whatever you choose to do, be consistent. Try one thing for a week or two and if it doesn't work, try something new. But know that a well-rested child isn't the result of luck. Most parents of "good sleepers" found tricks that worked for their kids. And I'd venture to guess that few of them were quick, easy solutions.
Stick with it, whatever "it" is and "it" will eventually all work out. Sweet dreams!
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25 comments:
I have been reading your blog for awhile now and have never commented before, although I logged on today to comment on the food entry. Anyhow, I am shocked and discouraged by your decision to advocate for Babywise and crying it out. Babies cry for a reason, something in their world is not right. They do not cry to manipulate, they do not cry to deprive themselves or you of sleep, they do not cry because they feel safe and happy. They cry because something is wrong. Im trying very, very hard not to judge, but crying it out and books that teach that as an acceptable avenue should, in my opinion, be strongly advised against and removed from our minds and society as an acceptable parenting option. Im very discouraged after having read this entry and Im not sure I'll be back to read others.
Hi Emily - I knew this post would stir up some emotion, but I stand behind my opinions. I know Baby Wise isn't for everyone (and mentioned that in the post) but it makes sense to me and has worked for all three of my babies. They are happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids who are secure and loved, despite letting them cry-it-out for a few days when they were infants.
You are obviously entitled to your preferences, as I am mine, and I'm very sorry that my viewpoint has changed your opinion of me. I hope you continue to follow my blog, but if you choose not to, I completely understand. I wish I
Katie, I emphatically & wholeheartedly agree with you! (Do you get how much?!) I allowed both of my children to cry it out in the 1st few days & as a result, both of my babies have slept straight through the night since they were 8 WEEKS old! They still are awesome sleepers - even when we have a loud house & each still take naps. (My children are 4 & 1) While I did take a little heat from some select friends & family, my kids are the best sleepers of any children we know & I am certain we did the right thing for them & for us. Regarding your previous poster - I disagree that babies don't cry to manipulate or only because something is wrong. If babies are small humans & it is in our human nature to be self-involved (something we LEARN to overcome), why is it such a stretch to think that babies would cry to get what they want? How many times a day do we guide & correct our children to what they actually need as opposed to what they want? Think of when your child is crying in her crib. You know everything is fine; fed, changed, burped, etc, & you go into check on her & she immediately stops crying and starts cooing. She has gotten what she wants - mommy's attention, rather than what she needs - a rest. It is our God-given responsibility to care for our children & sometimes comes as difficult, but God never said that parenting was easy. I'd like to emphasize that using Babywise as a parenting tool is in no way abandoning your child or child abuse. Every mother I have ever known to follow this, watches/listens via baby monitor to their child the ENTIRE time they are crying & is certain that they are not in harms way. It is hard work to stay strong through this faze, but the best children come from parents who stuck through when things got tough. Katie, I am a life witness that you & your hubby are doing an awesome job parenting & raising wonderful, Christ-loving children. Keep up the good work!
Sorry for posting again, but after I did, I feel like I need to revise my previous comment. Firstly, I would like to apologize to Emily. Sometimes, my carnal side takes a hold of a situation & I forget to give grace, as I have been given. I felt the integrity of my dear friend Katie being questioned, and that I should defend it. I also have been criticized for my choice in parenting, so you may have received some heat from that as well, so for that I am also sorry. While I stand firmly on my opinion - because it works, without fault, for me - I must remember that God made us all perfect & unique, complete with different opinions. I apologize if I made you feel as though you are not being a good parent if you do not use the same method Katie & I do - certainly not the case. What I was attempting to do was state, what I feel, are logical supports for parenting in this fashion. So, for my suggestion of what one should do (minus my opinion) is ask your self 'is it Scriptural?' THEN 'is it logical & reasonable for OUR family?' Then, I believe you are in the right, because you are following God - no matter what anyone else says.
"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give it to you" John 14:27
I love your passion for parenting and walking closely with the Lord. I appreciate your humble and sincere spirit. I love that you haven't cornered the market on parenting and sleeping schedules but you are simply sharing your experience. Your transparency is refreshing and I appreciate your vulnerability. Parenting is personal and we are all going to do it the way we feel is best for our child. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I love that you are a bold proponent of what works for you. I respect you as a woman, mother and a follower of Christ.
And for the record, I love Babywise and appreciate the principles that I learned from that curriculum. I recognize how it can be misunderstood. I know it ruffled the feathers in my friendships when we chose to apply some of the principles. I can only say that when done with wisdom, discernment and in the context of love, there really is no controversy at all.
Katie,
I tried Babywise with Christine and was successful, but Connor would cry until he threw up - big surprise, he won. I don't have the heart to let Cody cry for more than 5-10 minutes. If he wakes up at night, I wait to see if he will sooth himself back to sleep before I get him. At naps, sometimes it take 5-10 minutes of crying before he will go down, but I still put him down at the same time, and he is a wonderful napper. If I had been strong enough to let him cry for longer when he was a baby, the first few months probably wouldn’t have been so rough. Good for you for being so strong. I think it's great that people have different ways of parenting. How boring would it be if everybody was the same? I wasn't going to comment, but I felt like the post was totally uncalled for. I don't think anybody should criticize another person’s parenting choices unless they are an unfit parent. If you feel differently, then it is your opinion. All parents are different, and all kids are different. If you want to voice your opinion – great. I just don’t think it is very nice to berate somebody on their own blog for giving advice. The last time I checked, this is still your personal blog. It may not be for long though. You have the perfect name for a show on TLC. . .
Brenda
Being a new mother of an adorable 11 month old, I am always looking for new ideas and viewpoints. Thank you for writing this blog. When Abby was almost 3 months old we went to visit my family in Oregon and went out with some friends. They just had their second child (a few days older than Abby) and were telling me how they were able to get their children to sleep through the night, take good naps etc when both were only 6 weeks old. I was shocked! My 11 week old was still waking up 2 times during the night to feed. She recommended Babywise and as soon as I got home I read it....I kept thinking "why hasn't anyone told me about this book earlier". Lets just say, two weeks later, Abby was sleeping through the night(10-11hrs)! At almost 11 months, she sleeps 12 hours at night and has been for months, and takes 2 naps each 1.5hrs long. Not only that, she is such a happy baby during the day because she gets her sleep..what a difference!
I agree with you 100% on this. We did babywise with baby #1 and he was a CHAMPION sleeper. Still is. With baby #2 I wanted be more flexible with naps and such and it has bitten my in the rear. We are back to a nice consistent wake,feed,play schedule and some crying it out and he is sleeping through the night again. The crying it out is hard, but when you have done everything else and know they are fine, you just have to do it. It makes for a much happier and rested baby and mommy.
Thanks for all of the thoughts on this subject, ladies. I think it's normal that we all have different opinions on such a touchy subject: our precious KIDS!
On a different note, I just realized that I posted my first comment mid-sentence. What's that about? I have no idea what I was going to say. "I wish I..." Now the world will never know what I wish. Bummer...
Raechel- At 8 weeks old all your baby wants is to sleep, be fed, held and changed. Also, at 8 weeks old, since all of these needs are primal, they are, at that young age, incapable of crying to manipulate. I almost didnt log back on here because I knew there were going to be strong reactions but I felt it necessary because one wrong person can usually find another to defend their point of view. Thank you for proving me right.
My son, at two, is also happy, healthy, well adjusted, secure and loved--to use Katie's words. And knows that if he cries at 3 in the afternoon or 3 in the morning someone will come and calm his fears. That being said, he sleeps 11 hours at night, mostly uninterrupted, and still naps during the day. All without ever having to lay in his bed, alone and crying.
Although I do let my children cry it out, I actually much prefer Dr. Weissbluth's book, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". I thought the tone of his book was much easier to take than Babywise. He does advocate crying it out, but he has tons of scientific evidence to back up why you should do it. He is a pediatrician that specializes in sleep disorders in children, and he addresses sleep issues for children of all ages. I implemented his strategies with my 2nd child from the beginning and she has slept through the night since she was 8 weeks old.
As a new, sleep deprived mom I remember crying over Babywise. It seemed so harsh, and I hated the tone of the book. Now as a "veteran" mom I know there is nothing wrong with what it advocates, but it just rubbed me the wrong way.
I sooo needed this!!!
I did so many things wrong with my son when it came to him sleeping/soothing himself...i want so bad to do a much better job for baby #2 that is on the way. I actually read baby wise before Peyton was born, but I didn't do very good at following the rules. Hope to do much better this time, and bookmarking your post to read again once the baby is here and it is time to sleep through the night.
And thanks for your honestly. i know every mother has her own oppinion, and i admire you for speaking yours.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2001/july8/12.20.html
http://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/baby/sleep/pages/Getting-Your-Baby-to-Sleep.aspx
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1595189/
A few resources for moms who are considering using the Babywise methods. And my final comment.
http://aapnews.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/14/4/21
'Babywise' advice linked to dehydration, failure to thrive
Matthew Aney M.D.
One such book, On Becoming Babywise, has raised concern among pediatricians because it outlines an infant feeding program that has been associated with failure to thrive (FTT), poor milk supply failure, and involuntary early weaning. A Forsyth Medical Hospital Review Committee, in Winston-Salem N.C., has listed 11 areas in which the program is inadequately supported by conventional medical practice. The Child Abuse Prevention Council of Orange County, Calif., stated its concern after physicians called them with reports of dehydration, slow growth and development, and FTT associated with the program. And on Feb. 8, AAP District IV passed a resolution asking the Academy to investigate "Babywise," determine the extent of its effects on infant health and alert its members, other organizations and parents of its findings.
I don't believe Katie posted her opinion on "crying it out" to change the world! I think she was just trying to share with her friends and those interested the method that worked for her family.
Whether I agree with Katie or not isn't the point. Name calling, pointing fingers and being generally rude to someone via a comment on their blog is a bit silly. I would suggest that Emily write her own blog. Putting your opinions out there for everyone to see and knowing that opposition can come is brave, whether you think so or not.
Is it wrong of me to be LAUGHING at the insanity of all of this? Talk about stirring up a hornets' nest! And over WHAT? Babies sleeping?
Get over it!
We're talking about the first year of their lives.....if they live to be 80, that's 79 years we're NOT talking about here. How many of us remember our first year of life and whether we cried in our cribs or were comforted immediately???
Katie, you know where I stand on this, and I don't feel you love me any more or less for my opinion....because it doesn't matter! Whether I agree with you or not, IT DOESN'T MATTER!
Nobody out there reading/commenting on this is abusing their child, regardless of what method they use. So who cares?
This is Katie's blog and she can say whatever she wants because she's the goddess of this little corner of cyberspace and the rest of us just get to love her for all her fantastic/wonderful/crazy/perfect/misguided/wacky/sane/ridiculous/insightful/just plain silly ideas.....and I'm not gonna say which category I think this post topic falls into because it doesn't matter and I know Katie loves me anyway! (you do, right?)
;-)
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
Ps - I'm still amused and laughing, so thank you!
I only have one word to say: AMEN!!!!!
Okay, you knew I couldn't hold to that. Baby Wise ROCKS! We didn't do every single thing the book said, but we did what was important for us to get Kiddo on a good schedule, whether it was eating or sleeping. He was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks, and we never even put him in bed with us.
To Emily, I'd say that every situation is different. Parents need to know their children, they need to pay attention to signs that something is wrong. Using the methods in Baby Wise is not giving parents free reign to ignore or neglect their children.
My son grew from an infant to a toddler who never cried when it was time for bed...he knew it was time for bed! I was so very thankful as a new parent for all the friends' who recommended the book to us.
Hello!
I've been reading your blog for a long time and this is my first post - sorry!!! I'm really bad at commenting - lack of time I guess since I read so many blogs.
I have 3 little ones. First one was strictly Babywise and was sleeping through the night at 3 months and napped until right around his 4th birthday. He LOVED sleep.
My second I followed it as best as I could since I also had to accomodate my son's schedule as well. She started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks and went down well for naps too. She is 2 and still loves to nap.
We recently welcomed our third in May. I have NOT followed Babywise simply because I can't get control over how busy things are these days and I will say it has been an exhausting experience. My daughter refuses to nap and will only nap for 15 - 20 minutes at a time. I pick her up immediately and wear/hold her just because it's easier than to try to get her to sleep again. I am getting nothing done and I am very irritable. My other two are suffering as well because mommy and baby are tired.
I keep telling myself I am going back to Babywise because I truly believe it makes for a happy baby and household! I needed to read this post especially those that commented on the positives of Babywise.
I am a firm believer in "cry it out." I did it with both my babes when they were 4-5 months old. They are both now EXCELLENT sleepers and really can't remember them waking up during the night after letting them CIO.
I never understand when I hear moms say "my kid keeps waking up at 2am" or "can't get my kid to go to bed before 9/10pm" or "my child keeps waking at 4:30am." After one or two nights of letting them cry my kids sleep soundly from 7pm-anywhere from 6-8am. They go down with no questions. It works....and it doesn't mean that you love you child any less or aren't comforting them when they need you or any crap like that!
You've done a great job and I appreciate your view on the subject!!!
All I can say is WOW... and AMEN to those who have the ability to honestly, and politely comment.
Katie, I think what you wrote was beautifully put. You in no way were telling someone what to do, you were explaining what worked best for you. I am sure that some desperate mom will find comfort in your advice and past experience. I admire you as a mom and a person. You are very considerate to say that you knew that not everyone would agree with you, but I think it is great that you shared with others what works for you!
As for all of the other women, we each have our own opinion and I am sure that we all can say we do what is best for our babies and our families... whether it be crying it out, soothing with rocking or singing, or sleeping with your baby. To each is own.
Emily, it is too bad that you have developed a strong opinion of Katie now, as I am sure you can see from many of her other posts that she is an amazing Christian woman with three blessings from God and a great household. I read what Raechel wrote as well and I am sorry that you feel that Katie is wrong or Raechel is wrong, nor do I feel she was defending Katie. I don't think you are wrong either... I think you are a Mom who is protecting her child as best you know it.
After reading all of these posts, it sounds like you all are Mom's with your babies best interests at heart... Katie included in this!!! Personally I put Katie at the top of the list because not only is she being a great mom to her children, she is hoping to help other mothers that might be in need of advice as well. Thank you for that Katie!!! I hope and strive to be as amazing as a mother and Christian woman as you! Thank you again for always offering advice to those that choose to follow you!!!
Just wondering, Katie did you read the articles that are in opposition to Baby Wise???
Anonymous - Honestly, I wasn't planning on it due to time constraints, but because you inquired, I just did.
My opinion of Baby Wise is still 100% the same. 100%. I didn't learn anything new, as I know many, many moms on both sides of the fence. Different things work for different people and I've learned to agree to disagree.
My strongest opinion on the subject is that couples should choose the parenting style that works best for them and that includes finding a sleep method for their babies. If people ask my personal choice, I will gladly tell them the benefits and struggles that we experienced with Baby Wise.
Baby Wise made sense to me from the time I was pregnant with Ryan and I'm very glad it was introduced to me. Even then, I noticed that every child that I observed and thought, "I hope my kids are like that," were Baby Wise kids.
It's interesting that this post was intended to be about sleep associations and it turned into a lengthy discussion about Baby Wise. It was suggested that I delete some of the disapproving comments, but I;m not going to do that at this point. I understand that everyone gets emotional about their parenting choices and have no reason to take it personally.
I don't mean to add to the pot of opinions, but it is one that I feel strongly about and I feel as if I have a certain advantage. I have 3 children. They cried, but I tried my hardest to keep it to a minimum. I was there to rock and hold them and be there for them. They are only small for such a short time. My 3rd born, my son, died of SIDS at 2 months when I set him down for nap.
I know God watches over us and that there is a purpose to everything. I am grateful everyday that I chose to be a mother who would do anything for my children... he didn't cry it out. He wasn't left to comfort himself with some piece of plastic or blanket, I was there. I know this is a horribly serious note, but just food for thought. What if the last nap you set your child down to, they passed away?
I admire you sharing your opinion, and I completely understand some people need to have some realm of sanity. I vote for an easy button!! But unfortunately that's not the case. :) I hope I haven't bogged down the conversation, it's just something I've thought about often.
Just to throw this in there... My good friend had a child die in her arms (autopsy report was SIDs). So, holding them won't prevent that! What a guilt-trip! I also have lost a child, but have never used any regrets about that experience to guilt others into parenting the way I do (which does not completely correspond to Baby Wise). Thank you, Katie, for being transparent and sharing what works for you!
I have a 3 yr old who slept through the night 9 weeks. After making sure his needs were met we had him cry it out as well. Same thing at nap time. He got held a lot throughout the day and a lot of attention was paid to him. I also breast fed so I knew that letting him cry it out a couple of days would not make him feel unloved. As long as a babies needs are met it does not hurt for them to cry, it's good for there longs and it teaches them to sooth themselves. Katie I love reading your blog and although I don't always agree I always see your point and am thankful for any knowledge I gain.
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