Serving Others with a Happy Heart

Now that my kids are getting older (and more capable), we've started requiring that they help more around the house. At 6 and almost 4 years old, they're still in the stage where they usually love to help, but playing is always more fun that working, so we definitely get resistance now and then.

I recently wrote about our family chores and how I set the timer for an hour every Saturday morning to cross as much off the to-do list as possible, expecting everyone to participate. That is still going VERY well, by the way. I love the momentum of everyone scurrying around doing their tasks and Mike loves that after an hour, we're done. Sometimes we finish up for 30 minutes on Sunday, but it's short and sweet, then it's over and we can all relax and play.

One of our house rules is to "look for ways to serve others with a happy heart." This rule is not only to do things for others with a happy heart, but to LOOK for ways to serve others. For now, I'm going to write about the last half of the statement.

I use the term "happy heart" a lot in our house. If the kids have a bad attitude, they are asked to go to their room and not come out until they have a happy heart. They've come to understand what that means.

Sometimes they emerge pouting or with a scowl on their face, but I make them go back to their rooms if they can't SHOW me their happy heart. All they have to do is smile, but a fake smile usually turns into a blushing smile which often turns into giggling, which results in...you guessed it! A happy heart. As long as that goal is achieved, I don't care how they get there.

I'm assuming that Mike and I will experience the joy of bad attitudes as a result of hormones in the years to come, but while I still have an element of control over these kids, I'm determined to teach them that there are times when you need to bite your tongue and have a good attitude.

We're currently focusing on doing things that are asked of them (chores and other small tasks) with a good attitude and a happy heart. Sound impossible? It's not. Here are some things that set them up for success:

- As parents, we need to have a good attitude when we are asked to do something for someone else.

- As parents, we need to be aware of our body language when we're asked to do something. If I sigh or roll my eyes or make excuses why I can't do a task, that's what my kids do. They're constantly watching.

- As parents, we need to be good examples in the way we respond verbally. Personally, I try to say, "Sure!" or some other cheerful response instead of, "I guess," or "I'll get to it later." If you're not a naturally chipper person, fake it. "Fake it 'til you make it," I always say.

- Set the expectation early. If you want to set a new tone for chores in your house, sit the kids down and explain that "no" and "I don't want to" will not be acceptable answers anymore. Whenever there's a rule change in the family, everyone deserves to know what's going on; even the little ones.

- Decide on consequences and rewards ahead of time. Explain that there will be a consequence if they are rude or disrespectful and a reward if they respond positively. The rewards don't need to continue forever, but while everyone's getting used to the change, give lots of praise and positive reinforcement. Spontaneously reward them for doing things the right way, even pointing out their good example to other family members. (without rubbing it in others' faces)

- Be patient when they cop an attitude - because they will. Understand that it takes time to change bad habits and that everything won't be different overnight. It takes 30 days to make a new habit, so stick with it for the long haul.

- Start slow. Keep the end goal in mind, but accept small progresses along the way. At first, accept that the chore is getting done with a bad attitude, as long as it's getting done when you ask. Then get the kids in the habit of doing what you ask of them agreeably, focusing on their heart attitude toward your request.

- When they mess up, respond unemotionally, but immediately. By "emotionally" I mean avoid getting angry or personally offended that they're being disrespectful. For example, "Please unload the dishwasher" might be met with, "...but I'm playing right now." My response tends to be (with an "I don't think so" tone), "Try again," giving the kids a reminder to answer me differently. If they don't respond positively with a good attitude, they go to their room until they have a happy heart and a willingness (even if it's forced, at first) to help.

- Be consistent. Don't allow yourself to get distracted (or lazy about it) and let bad attitudes slide. If you want them to have a good attitude most of the time, expect it all of the time. We all have our bad days, but our homes would be so much more pleasant if we each sucked it up and put on a happy face for the people we love most.

- Serve others outside your home. Volunteer your time as a family. There are ways to get involved at church, in your local schools, in your neighborhood and in your community. It feels good to help others and it gets the focus off of ourselves. Plus, when your kids have spent time cleaning up a local park, wiping down the kitchen table after dinner will seem like a piece of cake!

- Point out how good it feels to help. In addition to telling your kids that they did a good job, direct them to the positive sensation they're feeling inside. Say, "Aren't you proud of yourself for doing that? It was a big job...how does that make you feel?" It won't take long for them to realize that serving others without expecting anything in return has it's own rewards.

By the age of two, I believe all kids should be helping around the house. It's not the 1950s anymore. The wife is no longer expected to float around the house "doing it all" in a skirt, apron and pearls while the kids are clueless about what it takes to run a household.

I whole-heartedly believe that when everyone in the house {cheerfully} contributes, children become more productive, less self-absorbed adults. As a parent, you're not doing anyone any favors by doing it all yourself. Be conscious of the fact that you might be creating little diva daughters or sons who won't lift a finger to help their future wives.

Even if your spouse isn't on board with the idea of "serving others with a happy heart," the change can start with you. It will take longer if you're doing it alone, but it is entirely possible to transform your kids from selfish into selfless.

I'm obviously just a mom, not an expert, but these are the things that work for our family. Does anyone have any additional tips?