Ideas for Intentional Parenting

I don't get much controversy on my blog, but my recent post about How I Got my Babies to Sleep Through the Night definitely ruffled some feathers. For those who read my posts through a reader and don't know what I'm talking about, there were some opposing opinions and responses in the comments of that post, including a heart-wrenching situation from a reader whose two month old died of SIDS.

(By the way, one sleep association that I forgot to mention in that post was singing. I have sung the same song to each of my kids, probably until they were 2-3 years old, before bedtime and every nap. Maybe that's how "Rock-a-bye Baby" got it's fame! As I was singing to Jason the other day, it occurred to me how huge that sleep association has been for me. So, for those of you who read my post and are trying to figure out how to get your own babies to sleep well, whether you rock them to sleep or lay them down awake and drowsy, try picking a special song to sing to them each time!)

By nature, I'm a bit of a people pleaser, so hearing that the first commenter was going to potentially stop following me caught me off guard. Although I'm a fairly neutral person, I definitely have my own opinions and I have to realize that I can't please everyone. And since this blog is my outlet, sometimes my ideas are going to rub people the wrong way.

I never want to offend anyone, but the part of my personality that I'm complimented on the most (being "real" in my posts) can be just as easily turned into my greatest weakness. (being "too real" in my posts)

Some asked why I didn't delete the comments that disagreed with my opinions, but honestly, that thought never entered my mind. I'm fine with the comment section of my posts being a place for people to share their feelings and I have no intention of deleting comments unless they're really offensive or just plain mean.

This got me thinking about how and why I parent the way I do. Getting off the topic of babies, I want to talk for a minute about the little people we're raising and who we hope they become.

I remember being clueless about parenting when I was pregnant with Ryan. I thought I had it all figured out by watching what other people did "wrong" through the years, until it came down to doing it myself. Then I realized just how difficult parenting can be.

The best piece of advice I ever received about parenting was this: look at other people's children and how they behave. If you like what you see, be sure to listen to the advice of those parents. That doesn't take into consideration a child's natural temperament or personality, but overall, I've noticed that if I find a child with characteristics I desire for my own kids, I can usually look to their parents for guidance in those areas.

A few years ago, we spent a lot of time with a family whose son was around Ryan's age. He was a very mild-mannered boy (Ryan was still very impulsive), listened to his parents the first time (Ryan often tuned us out), was gentle and loving and kind (Ryan was an over-excited spaz in comparison) and Mike would leave these friends' house feeling horrible about the child we were raising.

But eventually, I noticed that this "perfect" boy's personality did have some drawbacks. For example, his parents were often frustrated when he played sports because he was rarely assertive enough to kick the ball in soccer or play proper defense in football. Sure, he was a natural rule follower, a "lover, not a fighter," but his passivity bothered his dad as much as Ryan's impulsivity (is that word???) bothered Mike.

Sometimes we just need to accept our kids the way they are and understand that what they're going through might be a phase.

I have one particular friend whose children are so amazing that, before she moved away, I used to hang on every word she said about parenting. Her youngest two boys are respectful little gentlemen and her oldest daughter, who just graduated from college, is headed to the Dominican Republic for a year with Campus Crusade for Christ.

I'll share a couple of the secrets she told me. She was the first person to encourage me to write a Family Mission Statement. It took a couple of years, but having that discussion with Mike, along with developing our House Rules has meant that we have a direction for our family.

Also, one of their big family values (in their mission statement) focuses on leadership. So in addition to her daughter being a cheerleader in high school, she was the senior class president, too. A popular, well-liked leader who was on fire for Christ. Talk about well rounded!



One last thing that I remember her telling me is that she intentionally opened their home for play dates and gladly accepted the role of carpool mom. She was able to make teachable moments out of the overheard conversations. "Do you remember when the girls were laughing about the outfit of another girl in school today? How did that make you feel? How could you have responded differently?" Things like that.

I also remember the first time I saw a toddler with good table manners at a restaurant. Upon asking his parents about it, they explained that they practiced "staying seated until everyone is finished" at home, so their kids had more dinner table stamina when they went out to eat.

One thing I find myself thinking about are the rebellious kids, especially the older ones. I realize most kids rebel in some way, but my hope is that the foundations I lay early on will encourage my own to return quickly if they develop a pattern of wrong choices.

(I know I'm getting long winded, but I have to share one final situation. Hang with me!)

Many pastors kids end up rebelling, but all three of our pastor's kids are in ministry and married to pastors. Mike asked our pastor's son about this once. Kind of a "what did your parents do right?" type of a question. He suggested that it was because his parents were pretty strict up until high school, then at that point, they loosened the reigns and let the kids make mistakes while they were still under their roof. By the time they went to college, they weren't confused about their new found freedom and didn't go off the deep end.

Our pastor's daughter cuts my hair, so I recently asked her the same question. Before hearing her brother's answer, she had several ideas about why she and her siblings didn't stray from the church. First, she told me that her family was the same at church as they were behind closed doors. Her dad was the same at home as he was up on stage and if the kids had been arguing in the car, they weren't expected to put on a happy face once they arrived at church. Basically, it sounds like they were allowed to be themselves and weren't expected to act a certain way just because their dad was a pastor.

She also said that she thinks all of the kids turned out the way they did because they each knew that, no matter what they did or how bad they were, their parents always loved them. She felt that she could go to them and discuss absolutely anything. She remembers talking and talking and talking things through. As kids, she said her father never spanked out of anger, but sent them to their rooms until he cooled off before giving the punishment. So by the time he explained why she was being disciplined, she said she usually understood why she was getting spanked and, even though she didn't want it, knew it was a consequence for a decision she made.

I don't know about you, but when I first heard all of that, I found it very refreshing. It seems like it would take the pressure out of being in the spotlight.

None of the parents I mentioned are perfect, but I certainly don't need to recreate the wheel when it comes to parenting. Personally, I'd rather learn from other people's mistakes and successes and adapt them to our own family, if possible.

This was way longer than I expected. I probably should have broken this into two posts, but I was on a roll and don't want to go back and fix it. For those of you who actually read till the end, hopefully I didn't bore you to death!!!

Have you gotten any amazing "how to" advice from other parents over the years?