What I'm Working On...

Many of you have commented or emailed to tell me that you love how "real" I am. I'm feeling pretty transparent right now, so here is a nice long real post for ya! I'm also feeling particularly A.D.D. today, so this may be an all-over-the-place post, but I have to lay it all out there.

For some reason, over the last week or so, I've become a yelling mom again. I didn't realize until Monday that I had actually gotten myself OUT of the habit of raising my voice to my kids. I've wanted desperately to cross #84 off my 101 in 1001 list, which is "go a whole week without raising my voice to the kids, not once." So during the past 6 months, I've definitely been more conscious about controlling my reactions.

Wait a minute. Today is July 1st...holy cow is this year already half over? When did THAT happen?!?! I digress.

Although I haven't yet (that I've paid attention to, anyway) gone a full 7 days without raising my voice, I was down to only losing my temper every 2-3 days, which is a huge step for over-emotional, quick-tempered me.

I need to back up a minute. Over the weekend, I came to the conclusion that I need to stop napping. This second-trimester 1-2 hour daily nap is getting ridiculous. I'm tired of being so tired. And I know what my new schedule has been doing to me...it takes me longer to fall asleep at night, I don't sleep as well, I wake up groggy and am usually awoken by the kids, so I'm crabby and impatient from the moment my feet hit the floor. How's THAT for a fun mom???

Monday morning, I woke up early and fought a nap all day. That might have been part of the problem, but I think more of the issue had to do with compliant little Kaylin deciding to be a rebel for the day. That resulted in a day full of drama: the kids fighting, Kaylin whining, Ryan antagonizing, Kaylin screaming, Ryan tattling, doors slamming, toys being destroyed, me at my breaking point. You know it's going to be a long day when you have to send both kids to their rooms to calm down at 7:45am.

Even though I was up before the kids Monday, it was a horrible day. I can honestly say that I think I yelled at them more on Monday than in the last 2-3 weeks combined. Again, it was partly due to me being overtired because I wanted to retrain my sleep cycle, but the kids were in rare form. Especially Kaylin. She's not the type of kid who hears me tell Ryan to stop banging his plastic hammer on the wall, looks me dead in the eye and grabs the hammer from his hand to bang on the wall even harder. All while staring at me with a challenging look. But Monday, that was one of 100 rebellious acts. Not a good day.

That night, I decided that there would be no more yelling. I need to have more self control than that and what am I teaching my kids about impulsivity (is that a word?) by going off every time they frustrate me? I was done. Yelling clearly wasn't changing anything and it sets a negative tone in our home and in everyone's hearts...no more yelling for me.

I woke up Tuesday (early again - yea me!) and we had a pleasant morning together. I used soft words, broke up fights calmly, controlled my reactions and stifled all urges to raise my voice. (that last one may have been part of the problem) Then around noon, after listening to Kaylin whine, "Dad-deee...Dad-deeeeeeeeeeeee, Daddddddddd-deeeeeeeeeeeeee..." the whole way home from the grocery store, plus having multiple conversations with Ryan that went like this: "Mommy, Kaylin's talking to you." "Yes, I know. I'm choosing to ignore her. I told her Daddy is at work and will be home at dinnertime but she's choosing to continue to whine." "Tell her to stop." "I did, and she won't. I can't make her stop, so I'm just not responding. I suggest you ignore it, too. She's probably just ready for a nap." Then asking Ryan to help me carry in the lighter grocery bags only to be argued with (another sensitive issue that I'm working on with him) and having Kaylin throw a fit when she couldn't get her shoes off and hearing Ryan complain that the cereal boxes were too big for the bag and he couldn't carry both handles in one hand and nearly dropping the groceries I was carrying because everyone stopped mid-step in the narrow back hallway...

Needless to say, yesterday I only made it until noon before I lost it. And when I say, "lost it," I mean really...I exploded. All of the suppressed frustration from the morning erupted into Mount Mama spewing all over everyone.

Not a proud mommy moment. So again, last night I recommitted myself to NOT YELLING. It's so juvenile, when you think about it. And hypocritical. I tell my kids to control their emotions and to use their words and to speak respectfully and to treat each other how they would like to be treated. Why are the rules different for me? Well, because I'm undoing 32 years of bad habits, that's why. It doesn't make it right, it just makes it harder.

So I am actively working on 1 - waking up before the kids, preferably at 6am and 2 - not. yelling.

Today has been good so far. After telling Kaylin 3 times to put on her shoes, I did give her a dumbfounded look when I found her wandering aimlessly around the kitchen and shouted, "Kaylin...SHOES!" But that just reminded me to keep my mouth shut. Next time, I'll put her in the car barefoot.

For Ryan, I am actively working on stopping the arguing. He is my negotiator. There's always a better solution in his mind. Negotiating has turned into arguing which is direct disobedience when I tell him to do something and a sibling nightmare when he and Kaylin start at it with each other. My new mantra is now, "Ryan, stop arguing."

For Kaylin, I'm back to working on screaming with her. When she feels helpless or wronged (specifically by her brother) she freaks out which begins as a loud whine, quickly turns into screaming and usually ends in crying or an injustice meltdown. I can't handle screaming. It makes me crazy.

With both kids, I'm trying to redirect everyone back to, "Are you treating your sister/brother as you would like to be treated?" When I remember to calmly remind the offender of the golden rule, 90% of the time, they look down and say, "...no..." giving back the toy or getting up from the stolen seat or whatever the case may be.

I had a conversation with a friend last night about this whole topic. She said what most of you are probably thinking: "This is all normal; I don't know anyone who doesn't yell at their kids; siblings fight; testing happens; cut yourself some slack." But I don't want to be normal. I want our home to be (mostly) loving and respectful and gracious and calm and Christ-like. I want to be a good example for my kids. Not perfect, that's not my expectation, but...pleasant. They deserve a pleasant mom who doesn't lose it at the smallest infraction. Granted, it's usually the last straw by the time I lose it, but how predictable is that for them? They'll go through their childhoods avoiding making mom mad and not understanding why I was calm and appropriate this time when they misbehaved but freaked out that time when they did the same thing. They'll become people pleasers instead of people who know the difference between right and wrong. (I posted about this topic a few months ago if you'd like to read more detail - it was a great article from BiblicalParenting.org.)

So that's it. That's what I'm working on. It's not enough that I'm physically tired all the time, can't walk a flight of stairs without getting winded and can no longer work out for more than 10 minutes without getting stomach cramps, but now I'm going to be mentally exhausted as well. I'm up for the challenge. These crazy, whiny, arguing kids are worth it.