I can't get that song out of my head. Today was so rough on me that it brought me to tears after dinner. These kids have run me ragged and I'm beyond drained.
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I'm not sure what went wrong today. I feel like I responded appropriately to meltdowns, toy arguments, disobedience, bad attitudes, you name it. But no one cared what Mom had to say. Nothing I did made an impact.
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After a horrible trip to CVS, I put the kids right to bed when we got home. (granted, it was 12:50, only 10 minutes before naptime, but they didn't know that) I was so exhausted from the experience that I crashed for a solid 90 minutes. I woke up in the exact position that I'd fallen asleep and the whole left side of my body was numb from lack of circulation. But I was rested and ready to tackle the remainder of the day with a better attitude.
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Our afternoon swim date was postponed, so I planned to bake with the kids and do a fun craft to curb the disappointment. They were unusually gracious about the change of plans, all they needed to do was pick up the playroom and we'd make brownies together and start the craft.
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While they cleaned, I started dinner. I'll admit I was a bit distracted, but poked my head into the playroom to make sure things were progressing now and then. Every time I did that, they were playing. (*sigh*) I set the timer for 8 minutes and said that when the timer went off, I would start baking by myself if they weren't done. Sure enough, 8 minutes later I found them body slamming themselves against the couch cushions that had been thrown to the floor. I explained that I was going to start the brownies without them and that the next time I found them playing instead of picking up, there would be consequences. At the time, I had it set in my head that they wouldn't get a brownie as their punishment, but as I put the brownies in the oven, I peeked back in on them and found them giggling and wrestling AGAIN. Consistent with the rest of my day, they were ignoring my instructions and disregarding me completely.
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After the day I'd had, I was done. So I grabbed a trash bag and put everything that was on the floor into the bag while Ryan sobbed and begged me to stop. Many of their favorite items were on the floor, including Ryan's pirate and fireman costumes and Kaylin's prized pink princess costume. There's over $100 in toys and costumes in that trash bag that is sitting in the garage awaiting its fate.
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We have friends whose kids clean like a tornado every time they're asked to pick up their toys. When I asked what their secret was, I was told that they "threw away" (in actuality, they donated) everything left on the floor of their kids rooms one day and it's never been an issue since.
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My problem is that I can't do it. I can't get rid of items that I know my kids cherish and play with and dress up in every day. That's why they were out on the floor to begin with...because they had been used and loved recently.
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I never said I was throwing anything away. In fact, I never said a word...I just walked into the room and silently started stuffing the bag. Ryan assumed; and rightly so. He didn't know that I grabbed a trash bag because I figured it was the biggest thing that would hold all of the items on the floor.
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So I'm conflicted. Never seeing the toys and costumes again would prove a major point, but many of the items in the bag are less than a month old - Ryan's birthday gifts. I have no problem donating toys that aren't being appreciated, but things they use and love? I seriously just...can't.
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I think what I'm going to do is put the bag away and allow them to earn back a certain number of items from the bag and donate the rest. Maybe 3 or 5 things each and they can choose their favorites.
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I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. I just want to curl up in bed and erase today from my memory. If you have suggestions, I'm all ears. I won't read them until tomorrow - I'm sure I'll be less raw by then and open to ideas.
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15 comments:
That's a tough one...I can see how getting rid of the toys would teach a serious lesson...
But then a side consequence of that is that you're now stuck in the house, pregnant, too hot to go outside, with two kids who are harder to entertain due to missing their favorite toys. That's a pretty big punishment for yourself as well.
I like the idea of letting them earn their toys back. Or maybe you could tie it into one of your morning devotional lessons? Talk to them about how they deserve to lose all of their toys because of their disobedience, but if they repent, you're going to let them have them because you are gracious and kind? Then let them explain to you how that reminds them of Jesus? I don't know...just a thought...
I saw this exact thing on Nanny 911once. Basically she took all the toys away from the kid and took them out like she was going to throw them out. The child was told that he could earn each toy back as long as he then obeyed the parents.
Since you haven't used this sort of discipline before, I would take that approach and just let them know that this time they can earn them back. Next time, you will be taking the toys and they won't see them again.
I did the same thing with LC when he went through his nightmare-dropping-off-at-school phase. Every day he misbehaved, a full BOX of toys gets taken away (we have six in total, and they can hold a LOT of reasured trains/action figures/cars, etc). I put the box in a place within his eyesight but out of his reach. Just to serve as a cruel visual reminder of what he's lost, of course.
The next day, if he misbehaved again, another WHOLE BOX of toys got taken away, and so on. Each day he behaves, though, he can earn ONE box back. If he's been a nightmare the entire week, he will have lost four boxes, only to have gained ONE back....and they're all in eyesight so he doesn't forget the lesson.
In all honesty, he didn't make it beyond two boxes being gone at once. Lesson learned fairly quickly and relatively painlessly. (not only was I happy for this reason, but I couldn't handle the idea of all the money spent on treasured toys being a complete waste down the drain ... my bank account just doesn't approve of such drastic parenting measures!)
Interesting you mention this today, because I just had to implement this again for the first time in months with his day camp this week. I'll be sure to let you know how tomorrow's drop-off goes, whether or not the treasures will be returned, or if he's destined to have another group confiscated.
Fingers crossed....for both our sakes! :-)
xoxoxoxox
Maybe you can use this as an illustration of what "mercy" looks like....Sometimes God demonstrates mercy to us when we really deserved to have our toys taken to the curb. :) Friends did this with their kids and it was funny that the littlist one began to suggest, "Mercy, Mama? Show mercy?" when she was caught being naughty. LOL....Tomorrow morning brings a fresh start!
wow - that's tough.
I like your idea, though, of having the kids earn them back...maybe after a few weeks? I don't know a whole lot about parenting, but maybe just seeing that you were serious when you came in with the bag was enough ... I'll be interested to hear what comes.
First, wow, what a hard day for all of you (( hugs ))
Hmmmm, if it were *me* I would probably keep the items in the bag until I was calmer and we could talk about the importance of taking care of our things and making our house a clean space for playing and living. Then we would all put them away together. I definitly like the idea Chandy mentioned about tieing it into your devotions. Maybe frame it about how you all have a living space you've been blessed with and you need to be responsible for it and care for it - being good stewards of their home and toys? And how there are logical consequences if you don't do that. I would try to spin it more positive, not negative. But, I wouldn't throw the toys away. I think that is not fair, since you didn't tell them beforehand that things would be thrown away. As you said, they saw the trash bag and assumed and maybe that will make enough of an impression?
When I was growing up we had the "Friday Box" - basically, anything we left out was put in the box at the end of the day and we couldn't have it back until Friday. Now, it probably depends on the ages of your kiddos, we were older when my Mom did this with us - preteens I think?, but I know it worked for us. She didn't nag, she didn't yell, but it was understood if the end of the day came and our things were left out they would be in the box - whether it was our toys, our shoes, whatever.
However, I don't do that with my kids right now. (Tho' when they are older I probably will) Mine are 7, 3, and 1 and just not really to the age where they can pick up by themselves yet. They get very distracted. The 7 year old will pick up WITH me and the 3 year old will pick up WITH me, and my 7 year old can do lots of things with my supervision (make her bed, put her laundry away, clear the table, empty the dishwasher, ect), but really they both get off-task pretty easily if left alone and a timer doesn't mean a lot to them at this point. They just aren't developmentally at the place yet where they can/will do it unsupervised yet.
Maybe it is just my kids,(and it could totally be LOL) but I've learned it creates less arguments if I help them to pick up - usually we set a timer and say "lets pick up the playroom as fast as we can" in 5 min. or something. Making of game of is *usually* works. But, right now, cleaning is something I still have to model for them and do with them. Hopefully, by my example, they will learn to care for their things.
Sorry to have written a novel. I hope that today is a better day for you (( hugs )) This, too, shall pass ... and remember, every day is a fresh start.
Best Wishes!
I think your idea of letting them earn back stuff a little at a time is a good idea. I have struggled with throwing stuff away, too. I mean, I paid good money for Kiddo's things! : )
Hi! This brought to mind something my mom used to do with us when we left things strung all over the house. She would pick them up after the given time and keep them in her room for at least a week, at that point we could buy (or earn) things back. I know that you give dimes as a reward, so they could possibly use the dimes to buy back their toys at a certain price rate??? My kids (21 months & 5 months) are still too little for for this, but I'm sure we will be there soon!
Hope today goes better!!
~Tiffany
Love that song!
Totally know how you you feel.
When my eldest daughter was little (she's 17 now) I bagged up her things when she refused to clean them up. I was frustrated and in tears. All these years and later (now we have 4 kids), I still expect my kids to clean up after themselves. I bagged toys up one other time, several years ago, put the bag in our office, found it months later, and donated it. My kids didn't actually miss what was in the bag so I didn't feel to bad about it.
My children range in age from almost 7 to 17, so I know they are capable of cleaning up after themselves. Now, when I ask them to clean up, be it their toys, their room, or their place at the table, I expect them to do it the first time I ask or I have them go and read our "House Rules" which I have posted on our fridge. BTW...I must THANK YOU for that incredible idea! It has saved me a couple times already and I am LOVING it!
Everybody is entitled to a bad day every now and again. Today is a new day, start fresh and enjoy!
:0)
I've taken toys away that don't get picked up, it does work. I only donate things if they are not respectful with the toys (playing too rough or in such a way that will damage it or other children) too often. Toys go to storage in the garage and can be earned back in our house by good behavior.
Thanks for sharing your stress, girl! It helps me to feel a little more human to know others are facing my same every-day struggles and I appreciate your humility in asking.
You RAWK! ;)
Ugh. I always think of the song that goes, "Mama said there would be days like this, there would be days like this..." I'm sorry you had such an awful day.
We have done this with the toys, also. It does work. Instead of throwing them away, we do exactly what you are planning to do - let them earn them back. I tacked on an extra caveat, though. IF I see them getting ONE toy out to play with, then they put it away WITHOUT BEING ASKED, that is when they earn back something in the bag. This has been sooo helpful in teaching my youngest to put one thing away before getting out another. Then the mess never gets that big that it takes so long to put away. *Hugs* for a better day today.
My best advice is to ask God. He is the ultimate balance of love and discipline.
In our house, I try to weigh the crime and punishment, making sure it matches up. If the kids knew they were losing their toys then it would be right to follow up on that. But since you didn't say anything, you can really let them earn it back or give them back altogether.
The point for me would be how they would believe that I mean it and remember next time and bring them closer to God. If it seems to me a disobedience and power struggle issue I usually go ahead and spank them right away. (I use a spoon and only swat to sting and like Dr. Dobson says) And tell them I am spanking them to help them remember. Then I go through the salvation invitation, reminding them that they sinned and we all do and Jesus saves. (Dr. Trent suggests this in Sheparding a Child'sHeart) And then I tell them I forgive them and give them lots of hugs.
My daughter accepted Christ almost 4. I wondered how since nobody has prayed with her. Then I realized it was because of our talks after spanks!
Not many in our generation advocate spanking, but when done properly it can be the best way. Then we can move on and not have to be reminded for days while they are earning back their toys or what not. And reinforced with praying together and hugs, they know you love them but not their sin.
I hope this helps.
Hi friend, I have had to do this too and of course it is always the most cherised of things! I put them away for a week and Morgan earned them back by making sure she picked up with minimal reminders. It was something I learned at Love and Logic class. I love the comments about earning them back. Good luck!
Hey, I did this to my kids before. I did make them earn them back over a long period of time and it was a good lesson. You're doing great! Parenting is certainly not easy and is trying, but stay consistant and things will be fine.
OOOOOOOOH! Great post!
I've had MANY, MANY, MANY days like this, and one day I just snapped. My son (3) began throwing his toys at me (unfortunately they were not soft and cuddly). I repeatedly told him to stop (maximum 3 times I think), and MADE IT VERY CLEAR, THE NEXT TOY THROWN AT ME WAS GOING IN THE TRASH.
I ended up throwing out 3 toys that day and he was so upset. I told him that there are consequences to his actions, and if he EVER THREW ANOTHER TOY AT ANYONE, IT TOO WOULD BE IN THE TRASH.
This was about 4 weeks ago, and he has not thrown one since.
Hope some of the comments help you! =)
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