Caught, Not Taught

After a message on "Parenting" at church a couple of weeks ago, Mike and I sat down and talked about our kids. It feels like there's so much to work on, with new issues arising every day, so we made a list of the top three behaviors we want to correct.

We started with Ryan. The three things we want to focus on for him are:
- lying (we caught him lying three times that week, which is new)
- arguing (there is no black and white with him - everything is up for negotiation)
- and bad attitudes (once he concedes to do what he's told, pouting and complaining often follow)

After being reminded in the sermon that with kids, "More is caught than taught," I asked Mike if he thinks we're a good example for Ryan in those areas? His answer was the same as mine: no. Except lying; Mike and I are honest to a fault. But we are guilty of arguing and displaying annoyed attitudes when asked to do something. Why would Ryan think that he should respond differently?

The biggest thing that I am guilty of is saying, "Just a minute," so I can finish what I'm doing before helping someone. Ryan does that all the time and I wonder why it drives me nuts?!?! This habit started intentionally, believe it or not. I didn't want my kids to expect me (or anyone else, for that matter) to drop everything to refill their drink or reach a toy or help them zip their dress up outfit. I hoped they would learn patience, but instead I think they learned that it's okay to put off others' needs while I finish something more important to me. (*oops*)

So Mike and I discussed spending the next week being more agreeable. With each other, with the kids, just in general. Instead of, "I'll help you tie your shoes after I'm done packing your lunch," we'd answer, "Sure!" with a cheerful attitude. The same attitude we expect from the kids. That small change would cover being an example for not arguing and serving others without complaining.

What's hilarious to me is that during the week of jumping up to help the kids on a whim, they both became fairly helpless, even demanding. "May I be excused to get a drink?" became, "Mom, will you get me some water?" And after asking them to do me a favor, there were several times I was met with, "Will you do it?"

It's the same result of our "Yes Day" on Easter. I didn't announce what I was doing, but the kids figured it out eventually and began to take advantage.

I also feel like I'm saying, "no" all the time. But the questions are often things that the kids (specifically Ryan) know the answer to. It always seems to be after school that I'm constantly saying, "no." And I figured out that it's about the same two subjects: snacks before dinner and media.

I sat Ryan down and reminded him that we don't watch tv or play the Wii during the week and that when he asks, there will be a consequence. Then I told him that once his after school snack is gone, if he is still hungry, he is welcome to eat dinner early. Otherwise, I'll have a plate of cut up vegetables in the fridge that they don't need to ask permission to eat. That has been working very well, by the way. I feel like I say, "no" half as much as I used to!

It's apparent that both extremes are harmful to kids. Too much "yes" and too much "no" doesn't work. I'm learning to balance my "Sure!" responses with my "Hold on a minute," responses and have no problem answering their requests for drinks at dinner with, "No, but you may be excused to get yourself some water."

In the meantime, new issues arose for Mike and I through this process. But that's a blog post for another day...

Q&A Wednesday - Tattling

Carrie asked, "How do you enforce your no tattling rule? Because, really, I don't care who poked who!! I would love to not feel like a mediator half the day!"

There is a difference between tattling and telling. I've explained this to my kids several times. (ahem...sometimes several times a day)

"Telling" is anything involving blood or safety. And recently, I've included privacy issues under the safety category. (as in "lingering in the bathroom to get a peek" or "that boy looked up my skirt") Anything else is tattling and is not acceptable.

When my kids tattle, I always ask, "Is this a safety issue?" Sometimes it's not, but they might think it is, so I have to explain. "Calling you a name is breaking the rules, but it's not actually a safety issue. Use your manners and politely ask him to stop. If he doesn't, either ignore him or go play somewhere else." It's sometimes maddening to have to referee, but when I respond the same way every time, they get tired of hearing the same response, so they stop tattling.

When they don't, there's a consequence. I remind them once not to tattle, then after that, I take a ticket/privilege away. If they can't work things out on their own and the arguing escalates, I give them one warning, then I send them to play alone in their own rooms. "If you can't play nice together, you can't play together at all." THAT works 100% of the time because neither of them likes playing alone. (Kaylin gets "alone-ly.")

If they tattle about something that we both know isn't a safety issue, I'll simply say, "No tattling. Work it out," and send them on their way. In your case, Carrie, the kids are poking each other, which could become a safety issue. I usually guide my kids to ask the other person to stop ("use your words and ask nicely using your manners") before coming to me. Then if it happens again in a short period of time, I'll threaten to separate them (sometimes even before they come to me) and of course I follow through and send them to their rooms if the offense is repeated again.

Even though it drives me nuts to constantly remind them how to deal with a situation unemotionally, I can see that they're getting it. If I overhear someone trying to appropriately handle something on their own, I praise them like crazy. Some day, they'll be able to work things out without me all the time! Or at least a mom can hope...

My Thoughts on "Food, Inc."

I've been anxious to watch the documentary, "Food, Inc." for several weeks. I didn't know what I was in for, but I was interested to see the movie that claims to "lift the veil" from the food industry.

I already consider myself a fairly conscious eater. We don't eat many processed foods, I prefer all natural ingredients and eat as many fresh, whole foods as possible. I rarely buy canned goods, I cook mostly from scratch and I avoid using my microwave. Some think I'm extreme, others think I'm not strict enough. But I've been very comfortable where we are and was not ready to be any more of a food Nazi than I already am.

Then I heard about Food, Inc. on the Oscars. (click on the link to watch the trailer) Then from a friend. Then another and another. Everyone began making major changes to how they purchase food immediately after watching it. One friend became a vegetarian. I was interested to see what all of the fuss was about, but to be honest, I decided to eat most of our food stash just in case I was tempted to throw away hundreds of dollars in groceries!

I wasn't sure what to expect. Was it a documentary put together by environmentalists? Vegans? Animal rights activists? Extremists who eat everything raw? Because I'm none of those things. Maybe I should be, but I'm not. I like animals, but I'm fine eating them. (that sounded weird, but you know what I mean) I like the environment, but I have no problem using my dryer or taking a long shower. (I am a little fanatical about recycling and using reusable grocery bags, so I guess I'm not completely wasteful.)

So I finally watched it. I am appauled and shocked by what I saw, but not for the reasons that I expected. I had to turn away while watching a few of the animal scenes, but what resonated with me most was one small concept from the film: When we make a food purchase, we're voting with our dollars. Organic food could be cheaper if more people purchased it. It's the basic law of supply and demand.

One of the issues that was brought up in the film actually began for me last week. Mike and I had a date night and planned to eat dinner at Chipotle. (Which, BTW, I found out is ironically owned by McDonalds. But I will continue eating there because their meat is naturally raised and it is a healthy option for eating out...not to mention delicious and cheap!) Before leaving the house, Mike ran across a buy one, get one free coupon for a local Mexican place, so we tried it. The meal was great, so Mike asked the manager if they have any other locations. "Nope - this is the only one!" God bless that poor little place in this economy. I left there feeling so glad that we gave them our business. And I was suddenly burdened to give all smaller companies my business.

Does anyone remember a few years ago when so many small towns boycotted building Walmarts because it took business away from the family owned stores? I remember thinking, "But Walmart has everything. For cheap! Why wouldn't people want that???"

Now I get it.

The executives of Walmart are rolling in dough while smaller businesses permanently close their doors day after day.

Granted, Food, Inc. was fairly "pro-Walmart," but the concepts of the big guys bullying the little guys was a huge issue in the movie. Specifically Tyson...their executives are rolling in dough while the local chicken farms that they contract with make $18,000 a year. It was so sad. Disheartening, really.

Here are my biggest takeaways from the movie: buy local, buy seasonally and buy organic. I plan to reduce the amount of meat we eat so that I can buy better quality and I'm going to check to see what's seasonal before assuming that just because the grocery store carries something, it was ripened properly and not shipped half way across the world.

And as frugal as I am, I fully intend to begin paying a little more to support smaller businesses and farmers markets. I haven't given the quality of their food much attention, until now. Yes, I will continue to shop at Walmart, but on a much more limited basis. I will make most of my food purchases from my produce co-op, Trader Joe's (it makes me happy just walking in there!) and Sprouts.

I hate that we, as consumers, are shielded from so much. We only know what the media wants us to know. And that makes me feel like an ignorant sheep.

Uninspired

Have you noticed that I've been cheating for a while? Not cheating on you and certainly not cheating on Mike, just...cheating. Short cuts, if you will. My posts have mostly been Friday re-runs, meal plans or Q&A Wednesdays. I have managed to throw in a few posts about my kids, a recipe or two and some things I'm tackling on my 101 in 1001 list. But other than that, I've been feeling pretty uninspired lately - not sure why. I actually started the "Q&A Wednesday with Kay-tay" series because I had bloggers block. Does that exist or did I just create a condition? Regardless, I think I've contracted it.

Truth be told, I've sat down at the computer a dozen times in recent weeks to write something that was on my mind, but would get distracted or lose interest before I even thought of a title. I've been trying to spend less time on the computer, which is good, right? Mike and I have agreed to avoid all media (tv and computer) while the kids are awake. I check emails before the kids wake up, sit down and play around during Kaylin's nap (if I'm not sleeping, too) and I'll get caught up again after everyone's in bed at night.

That doesn't sound limited, but it's probably reduced my computer time to about half. I still need time to print coupons, make grocery lists, respond to emails and play with my pictures, plus post on my POD blog. Not to mention the dozens of blogs I follow - I'm mostly skimming their posts these days with a whopping 214 "I need to go back and read this/make this recipe/try this idea" posts saved in my blog reader. Oy.

But I do have some fun stuff up my sleeve. I'm quickly approaching my 1000th post and to celebrate, I'm going to have a ton of giveaways. Day after day after day of fun giveaways for YOU to win fun stuff from some generous companies that I've found. That's all going to happen next month, so stay tuned and check back daily for new giveaways.

I also want to share what I've been learning and applying in some books I've read, plus my thoughts on Food, Inc. Because I watched it. And I have thoughts.

So don't give up on me yet, dear readers and loyal fans. I'll come back around. Stella got her groove back and so can I.

I'm going to go play outside with my family now. I think today is the last decent weather Phoenix is going to have until November. Must go enjoy...

#81 - Wash my car by hand

I had an Accord when I made my 101 Goals in 1001 Days list, so with no intention of getting a step stool and cleaning my new-to-me minivan, washing Mike's car is going to have to count for this one.

Meal Plan - 5/3/10

Monday - Chicken Pesto Pizza and salad
Tuesday - Bean Stew with Whole Wheat Bread
Wednesday - Garlic Chicken Farfalle
Thursday - Bean and Cheese Quesadillas with chips and salsa
Friday - Sloppy Joes with green beans and salad
Saturday - Luau Dinner Party!
Sunday - Mother's Day

#56 - Purchase overstuffed chairs and a large ottoman for our living room

Moving right along through my 101 Goals in 1001 Days list, I've crossed off half of #56. Well, 2/3 of it, technically.

I've had these amazing, overstuffed chairs picked out in my mind for over two years. They're $1000 each, not to mention the huge $800 ottoman that will complete the room. With the economy the way it is (and has been), my dream chairs have not been on our radar.

Then a few weeks ago, it occurred to me that my mom might be willing to sell me her big chairs. She's downsizing and I figured I could surely talk her out of them! Turns out she had them posted on Craigslist for sale. I don't mean to sound like a spoiled only child, but MINE, MINE, MINE! They weren't exactly what I wanted, but they are pretty darn close and are perfectly functional for what I pictured: a comfy place to read, relax or talk on the phone.

And so it was. Now I have the remaining $1900 to use toward the ottoman. HA! I actually have in my mind that I want one that has storage inside to keep toys hidden away. But for now, that will have to wait. Two items outta three for #56 ain't bad. And the room is no longer bare. Yippee!

Link up your 101 in 1001 List

For some reason, the link widget disappeared on the bottom of my 101 Goals in 1001 Days post a while ago. But, as suddenly as it vanished, now it's back.

I know some of you have created your own 101 in 1001 list on your blogs in the last few months, so if it's not already listed under mine, take a minute to create a link so others can be inspired by your goals.

How are you doing on your list? I have exactly 50 of my 101 crossed off with a few more in progress and about 513 days left. I feel like I've been actively attacking the items on my list, yet it turns out that I'm right on track: half way done with about half of the time left.

If you don't have as many items crossed off as you'd hoped, pick a few and set your mind to completing them in the next few weeks. Be intentional about it. Making progress through such a hefty feat is extremely empowering!