Caught, Not Taught

After a message on "Parenting" at church a couple of weeks ago, Mike and I sat down and talked about our kids. It feels like there's so much to work on, with new issues arising every day, so we made a list of the top three behaviors we want to correct.

We started with Ryan. The three things we want to focus on for him are:
- lying (we caught him lying three times that week, which is new)
- arguing (there is no black and white with him - everything is up for negotiation)
- and bad attitudes (once he concedes to do what he's told, pouting and complaining often follow)

After being reminded in the sermon that with kids, "More is caught than taught," I asked Mike if he thinks we're a good example for Ryan in those areas? His answer was the same as mine: no. Except lying; Mike and I are honest to a fault. But we are guilty of arguing and displaying annoyed attitudes when asked to do something. Why would Ryan think that he should respond differently?

The biggest thing that I am guilty of is saying, "Just a minute," so I can finish what I'm doing before helping someone. Ryan does that all the time and I wonder why it drives me nuts?!?! This habit started intentionally, believe it or not. I didn't want my kids to expect me (or anyone else, for that matter) to drop everything to refill their drink or reach a toy or help them zip their dress up outfit. I hoped they would learn patience, but instead I think they learned that it's okay to put off others' needs while I finish something more important to me. (*oops*)

So Mike and I discussed spending the next week being more agreeable. With each other, with the kids, just in general. Instead of, "I'll help you tie your shoes after I'm done packing your lunch," we'd answer, "Sure!" with a cheerful attitude. The same attitude we expect from the kids. That small change would cover being an example for not arguing and serving others without complaining.

What's hilarious to me is that during the week of jumping up to help the kids on a whim, they both became fairly helpless, even demanding. "May I be excused to get a drink?" became, "Mom, will you get me some water?" And after asking them to do me a favor, there were several times I was met with, "Will you do it?"

It's the same result of our "Yes Day" on Easter. I didn't announce what I was doing, but the kids figured it out eventually and began to take advantage.

I also feel like I'm saying, "no" all the time. But the questions are often things that the kids (specifically Ryan) know the answer to. It always seems to be after school that I'm constantly saying, "no." And I figured out that it's about the same two subjects: snacks before dinner and media.

I sat Ryan down and reminded him that we don't watch tv or play the Wii during the week and that when he asks, there will be a consequence. Then I told him that once his after school snack is gone, if he is still hungry, he is welcome to eat dinner early. Otherwise, I'll have a plate of cut up vegetables in the fridge that they don't need to ask permission to eat. That has been working very well, by the way. I feel like I say, "no" half as much as I used to!

It's apparent that both extremes are harmful to kids. Too much "yes" and too much "no" doesn't work. I'm learning to balance my "Sure!" responses with my "Hold on a minute," responses and have no problem answering their requests for drinks at dinner with, "No, but you may be excused to get yourself some water."

In the meantime, new issues arose for Mike and I through this process. But that's a blog post for another day...