I often talk about things that I'm working on with the kids...habits we're trying to break, new habits we're helping them get into, rules we want them to follow, character traits we want to see them develop...my list is always growing. But it was brought to my attention this weekend that I need to stop every area of focus until we get one issue under control.
OBEDIENCE.
I recently read an excellent, very basic definition of obedience from the writers at Biblical Parenting. It was simply stated, "doing what someone says, right away, without being reminded."
First time obedience is very important to me and Mike, yet all of our efforts to get consistent results from our kids seem to eventually fail.
I want to raise children who respect authority (parents, friends' parents, babysitters, teachers, future employers) and as it is now, they pick and choose when they respond to adults in obedience.
And I believe this is 100% our fault.
(Disclaimer: If your children don't listen to your instructions the first time, don't read into this post as me blaming you for their behavior. I am strictly talking about me and my household. I'm not judging others and how they raise their children, I'm just ready to fix my own family.)
My kids are not naturally compliant. Ryan likes to have an element of control in his life and that often involves negotiating the how, what, when or why of what he is told to do. And Kaylin is quickly learning this art of disagreeing and negotiating.
I just remembered a post I wrote this time last year about encouraging disobedience. Hmmm...this topic is coming up annually at the beginning of each school year, isn't it? Likely because their teacher is a new authority figure and I want my kids to listen and obey in school without arguing or bad attitudes.
I digress. So what am I going to do about it?
I've developed a zero-tolerance policy regarding disobedience.
Several times in the last few days, I have reminded the kids of this new definition of obedience. (FYI: I added "with a happy heart") I have them repeat each section of the definition after me, "Obedience is...doing what you're told...right away...with a happy heart...without being reminded."
I am thrilled (and, quite honestly, shocked) to report that my kids have been completely transformed.
The expectation is that when I ask them to do something, they do it immediately without arguing or negotiating. Period.
First time obedience has been on the forefront of my mind every time I make a request this week. There are a few reasons that I think this is suddenly working for us.
1. I remind the kids of this new definition every morning and a few times during the day.
2. When I make a request, I expect them to drop whatever they are doing and comply.
3. If they don't respond immediately, they get a warning (I calmly repeat the definition of obedience, making every effort to stay unemotional), then if they still don't comply, there is a consistent consequence (again, unemotionally and confidently, they are sent to their room for 6 minutes {Ryan} or 4 minutes {Kaylin} and I increase the time by one minute each time they refuse, whine, pout or throw a fit), then after the consequence, they are still expected to do what I originally told them to do. If they don't, I repeat this step until they do what they're told.
4. When they complete the task, I give them lots of kudos. (I think in the past, I was so relieved they did what they were told without arguing that I overlooked this part)
5. When they cheerfully obey, right away, without arguing or needing to be reminded, they are rewarded. (sometimes tangibly, but more often I simply make a big deal about it in front of others, telling them how proud I am, hugs, praise, etc.)
I truly believe that the key factor in Ryan and Kaylin doing what their told is me. Kids will always try to push the boundaries, but when adults consistently hold their ground, compliance is inevitable. It's the bottom line in reality parenting shows like Super Nanny and World's Strictest Parents. Not to mention institutions that require immediate obedience like the military. If Ryan ever enlists in the military, this obedience training will save him tons of reprimands and hundreds of push ups!
Now if I could just keep this up for the long term, my kids will be angels. (I think I can...I think I can...)
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OH. MY. GOODNESS. This post couldn't have been posted at a better time for me. I just picked up Kaiden from preschool and within a span of 2 hours (before going down for a nap) I put him in "time out" 4 times for disobedience. It's rediculous. He is on this new kick of not listening and obeying the first time. I, like you, have a zero tolerance policy for not obeying the first time I ask him to do something. He is testing me with everything I say. I try to remind him of the rules "Listen and obey the first time" but maybe repeating this definition will help solidify it. It's worth a try! Thanks for your timely post and hope that it helps bring me back my sanity :)
I think repeating rules back like that, almost like a mantra, is so effective at this age. I've been brainwashing my kids since they were tiny by telling them "your job in our family is to listen and obey". They both tend to be more on the compliant side, but if they start to veer away from that, a quick look and reminder of the mantra seems to snap them back into line.
Good for you,Katie! Your children and their community appreciate your leadership.
Yet... the part of me that so greatly values independence and creativity wonders (not critically, just wondering-ly) how you balance fostering independent thinking and leadership in them, without squashing it, with the absolute need for clear, firm, consistent boundaries and authority?
I just remembered....Do you get the "parenting tip of the week" emailed to you from CCV? Just yesterday it was called "obey first then we will talk about it". It was taken from a book that I quickly put in my que to get at the library! If you didn't get it, let me know and I can forward it to you...it was some good info!
Thanks for sharing - we're going through the EXACT same thing with our 5 yr old...
We've been trying to instill the meaning of obedience as well (especially the FIRST time he's asked to redirect poor behavior) and to REMEMBER what's been asked of him as well as we're finding that once he obeys literally minutes later, he'll do the same discouraged behavior again! Talk about agitating!!
Tonight when we said our prayers together I suggested he ask Jesus to help him obey. I modeled for him by praying for him first then gave him an opportunity to as well. It was very sweet to hear. ;)
I like your ideas about defining obedience every morning as well as lengthening time in room for fit throwing, whining, etc.
Hope your school year starts off well!
~h
Interesting post. Good stuff, KT! Sophie will do what I ask, after she yells "No!" at me and occasionally wags a tongue, finger or pouts.
I will be sharing this lovely definition with her tomorrow. Thanks!
P.S. Thanks goodness she only does this to me and not others. My one saving grace is she responds well to teachers and other adults. Sigh.
Hank and I read this Bibical parenting tip this morning and have been repeating to the kids. I am making an index card right now so that we can put it somewhere visible. I too will not count to three or let the kids decide when to obey and when not to obey. It's tough...
"If Ryan ever enlists in the military, this obedience training will save him tons of reprimands and hundreds of push ups!"
That cracks me up!
This is a great post...I also think that defining exactly what you mean by "obedience" helps the kids better understand. I need to write down your definition somewhere and keep it for later!
Hi Katie,
This is just what I needed to read right now. My kids always seem to loose it towards the end of summer. Thank goodness school starts next week. I have been repeating the same things for weeks and it goes in one ear and out again. I'm going to give this idea a try though. I've missed reading your posts since our computer is broke and we are waiting to save $ to fix it. I am at the library usuing theirs for now. Can't wait to get mine running again though. Thank you for all the last posts too. Can't believe how big they all look. Thank you again for such good advise. Take care.
Hi Katie. We started Love & logic in my house a few months ago and it makes a world of difference. And they say a similar thing - by the time a child is 3 or older, he/she knows what is wrong. so to say "don't do it again" when they know they should have done it right the first time is just encouraging them to do bad things at least once. When my 4 year old has to go to his room to "remember how to be a good family member" (i think i read this on your blog), and he says he won't do it again, i tell him "this consequence is based on past performance not future promises." maybe too much of a grown up explanation, but he's starting to get it.
I LOVE this post, Katie. This is something that's been brought to our attention in our household as well. And I agree- it's totally us that set the tone in our home for how we want them to obey. The whole I'm going to count to 3 thing- what a bad idea! And I am finding myself doing it with Jett, and why... it's just teaching him that he can wait until after I say 3 to do what I asked. And he's a horrible listener- our worst yet. Hmmm, I wonder why? Maybe because we've (I mean I, Zach is pretty good about this) gotten too lax about it all. I'm just "surviving". But that's not how I want to parent- in survival mode. That doesn't help any of us, especially our kids. So thank you for the gentle nudge and encouraging post- I love that you're so real and share what you're working on in your house. You guys are awesome!
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