Q&A Wednesday - To Spank or Not To Spank

Tracey asked, "I have often read in your blog that you use the "time-out" method of discipline. I wonder what you and Mike think about spanking? As a Christian we know that the Bible tells us: "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him." Proverbs 22:15. I, myself, have never spanked my kids, nor do I ever think that I can bring myself to do so. My husband, on the other hand (although having never spanked them yet) believes it is something that we should do (in the right context and NEVER out of anger). Just curious as to your thoughts on the subject."

Ahh, yes. Spanking. How have I been able to avoid this controversial subject for more than three years???

Let me start by saying that I know there are two very different viewpoints about spanking, so if you're going to comment and give your opinion, please remember to be nice and respect the opinions of others. If your comment is too nasty or offensive, it may be deleted.

With that said, I'm happy to share what we do in our family. (*deep breath*) I'm bracing myself for the backlash...

Yes, we do spank. (I think I just heard a few of you gasp out loud)

We call it a "swat." Now that the kids are older and able to know right from wrong, their consequence is more often a time out or they have privileges taken away. But when they were younger and trying to learn boundaries, they got more swats than they do now.

When we first got married, Mike and I were exactly where you guys are, Tracey. He agreed with spanking, I did not. Ironically, now that we have kids, I am home with them all day, so the punishments usually seem to come from me.

I began changing my position on spanking when Ryan was little. When he started to crawl, we did very little "baby proofing" in our house. Instead, when our kids become mobile, we choose to let them know what is and isn't acceptable to play with. Being that Jason is now crawling and gnawing on everything within reach (it's suddenly like having a puppy) I'm going through this for the third time.

For example, instead of moving the DVD player up high or gating Jason in to a certain "safe" area of the house, we let him explore his surroundings, explaining what is a "no."

Yesterday, when Jason grabbed for the cable cords that fall next to the tv, I firmly tapped the back of his hand with two fingers and said, "NO." When I let go of his hand, he grabbed for them again, so I tapped his hand a little harder, then I moved him away and put him in front of his toys. He hasn't messed with the cords since. Not to say that he won't ever try to play with them again, but for now, he knows that they're a "no."

I DO baby proof for safety reasons, like covering outlets and locking cabinets that hold cleaning supplies, but that's about it. I also purposely keep plastic containers in the lower cabinets of my kitchen and breakables above the counter. It's not like I have crystal vases on my coffee table that I'm trying to keep away from little hands.

Moving on to when my kids were toddlers, we went back and forth between time outs and spankings, depending on the offense. I feel like we did time outs if they broke a rule or had a tantrum and needed time to cool off, then we spanked for deliberate disobedience.

For example, if I said, "come here," and they ran the other direction, they would get a swat. If they just stared at me instead of coming to me, often I would give them a warning and say, "If you don't listen and obey, you will get a swat." That was usually enough to get them to comply. But if they didn't, I had to be willing to follow through with the punishment 100% of the time, otherwise they would constantly test to see when I was telling the truth.

Around three years old, they really start understanding what is expected of them. It's around that time that they get a little more self control and are a little less impulsive. With my older kids being four and six, we do more time outs (in their room with a timer, no longer in a "time out spot" downstairs) and far less swats.

There are certain things that get a swat every time. Lying is one of them. We have a zero-tolerance policy on lying and the kids know that if they lie (specifically after having the chance to come clean) they get a swat every time. If they tell the truth after some prodding, no swat.

Occasionally, we also swat for safety issues and I'll threaten the kids with a swat during a warning if I'm really trying to drive the point home that something I'm saying is non-negotiable.

For those of you who are ready to send me links and research about how kids who are spanked turn out to be violent adolescents, don't bother. I realize the studies that have been done and our final decision to give the occasional swat comes down to this: both Mike and I were spanked as kids and it worked on us. In fact, I'd venture to guess that almost everyone reading this post was spanked as a child, and when done in the right context (for the purpose of correction, not because the parent lacks self control) I believe it has it's place in the younger years of most children. Some kids will be unfazed by spankings, others might be too sensitive for physical discipline. You need to determine what works best for your family.

Now that I've cracked down on myself with the whole definition of obedience issue, I haven't given a single swat. (Well, except that Ryan did lie twice last week. UGH...I can tell he's back in school and testing his boundaries again.)

It's funny...last week, I sat Ryan down and explained the new expectation of first time obedience without any discussion about it. I actually apologized to him for letting him get into such bad habits, I accepted full responsibility and told him that it was going to stop immediately. He replied, "It's okay, Mom. Wait...what?" I explained that he now needs to "obey first, then we'll talk about it," instead of trying to constantly talk his way out of every instruction before complying.

One thing I'd recommend while deciding how to discipline your children is to evaluate their personality and individual temperament. Ryan has always "taken his punishment like a man." When I'd swat his hand as a little guy, he wouldn't flinch and certainly wasn't deterred from doing whatever I was trying to stop him from doing. Sure enough, he's still unbelievably persistent to this day.

What works better for him, being that he's so incredibly talkative and social, is isolation. Time outs downstairs used to work, but they had to be in another room, away from us. That was his torture. For bad attitudes and other minor offenses, we now send him to his room. I don't mind that he can play in there during his "time out," because the goal is to get him to change his attitude. But if the punishment needs to hit him a little harder, I'll have him sit on the landing of the stairs, out of sight from the family, yet away from anything to entertain him.

Kaylin's a little different. She's much more sensitive and seems to be personally wounded every time there's the possibility of a swat. She, too, has always been this way. When I'd tap her hand as a crawler, her lip would quiver and she'd look at me like, "Well that was just MEAN!" But she hardly ever needed a reminder of what was a "no" in our house. I quickly realized that a verbal warning was enough for her. Her tender little heart just breaks when she gets a swat, and the purpose of the punishment is lost in her emotion. So she doesn't get many swats at all. She still tests us, but she's more of a people pleaser by nature.

I know this is supposed to be focusing on spanking, but here are a few things have helped us make time outs work, especially when the kids were young...

1. Have a specific time out spot in your home, maybe even on each floor. (meaning upstairs, downstairs and the basement) That way, when you say, "Go to time out," they know where to go.

2. Set the timer for one minute per year of the child's age.

3. Expect them to stay in the time out spot and sit there quietly.

4. If they have a tantrum or cry, the time doesn't start until they are quiet.

5. This is a big one: if they talk, the time starts over.

For Ryan, I couldn't get him to not talk in time out. The not talking aspect is the biggest part of the punishment for him. I began by adding a minute to the timer every time he spoke, but Mike got sick of it one day and started the timer over each time. It seemed too extreme to me, but clearly my way wasn't working. Sure enough, he stopped talking in time outs within a day or two.

Wow, this was long. Sorry, I guess I could have just said, "Yes, we use time outs and we also spank, depending on the offense," but I just can't ever seem to be that concise.

I know some of you have strong opinions about this issue, so please feel free to leave a comment. Just remember: BE RESPECTFUL!!!