Encouraging Disobedience

Mike and I have (privately) labeled Ryan as our negotiator. Everything is gray with him, no absolute black or white...he's going to be great in sales someday. It seems like this kid hasn't agreeably taken "no" for an answer his entire life. It's gotten to the point where I now say, "The answer is no. Don't ask again." He thinks by rephrasing or waiting a few minutes, the answer might change. And for those who know me or have been reading my blog for a while, I'm a very consistent parent. Yes means yes, no means no and maybe usually means no. I'm not the mom who says "no" a few times then gives in because I can't handle the whining or complaining. When I say, "no," that should be the end of it, but it never seems to be. Drives. Me. Nuts.
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I intentionally spend time "deprogramming" Ryan at the end of each school day and getting him back on track with the rules of our house. It's mentally exhausting, let me tell you. And by Friday, it's a mess. The sad part is that this morning he was his normal, cheerful, compliant self after a weekend of redirecting him back to the right path again and again. I was so bummed to see him off on the bus, knowing he'll come home as "Kindergarten Ryan" and not the pleasant little boy who ate breakfast with me.
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I got to venting talking about some of my "new Kindergarten Ryan" frustrations with a friend on Saturday and she had some good insight. (I'll share that in a minute.) My complaints mostly centered around the fact that Ryan spent last week testing me. He sees what the other 21 kids in his class get away with and he's gone from following instructions the first time (realistically speaking, about 75% of the time) to doing part of what I ask, but rarely all.
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If I remind him to say, "Yes Mommy" his new thing is to say, "Yes, Mom" or "Yeah, Mom" with a look of defiance on his face - rarely does he repeat me verbatim. At first I ignored it, but after seeing dozens of other examples of partial obedience (which is disobedience, in my eyes...and in God's, more importantly) I started calling him on it. The examples were mostly petty, but they were multiplying and he was very aware of what he was doing.
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One of the things that is classic Ryan is for him to counter a request with something. It began with, "Ryan, it's time for dinner. Come sit down," being responded to with, "Hang on - I need to run up to my room for a second." We've worked diligently to get him to ASK not TELL. We give him permission to say, "Before coming to the table, can I please run up to my room for a second?" and if we say, "no," that's the end of it, but if it's harmless enough and I'm not in a rush, it's fine with me. As long as he ASKS.
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I thought that was working, but it started to feel like the answer was never (okay...rarely) an agreeable, "Coming Mom!" There was always something else he had to do first. And it began to feel argumentative and disagreeable. And my bigger concern is that he does this with his grandparents, friends' parents or his teacher. He needs to learn to obey authority, period. I mean come on...he's 5, not 25.
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What my friend pointed out is that I'm giving him permission to disobey. As she explained herself, I silently disagreed with her in my head, thinking of examples of times Ryan should rightfully be able to ask to do XYZ before responding to a request of mine. But other than needing to go to the bathroom or if there is a safety issue, there's really no GOOD reason for him NOT to do what I tell him to do at the exact moment I tell him to do it. If his teacher asks him to line up for lunch, she expects him to do it immediately. Not when he finishes coloring his picture or building a block tower. I doubt SHE puts up with that from 22 kids! I finally saw that we were giving him permission to disobey. Okay, so what now? What do I do about it?
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Another friend piped in on the conversation and she's gone through a Growing Kids God's Way class that answered this question. It sounds a bit formal, but she's taught her kids to say, "May I appeal?" "Ryan, go put on your PJs," could be met with "May I appeal?" I then need to decide whether to say yes or no. At first, there should be a lot of yes's, so Ryan figures out what is appeal-worthy and what isn't. For instance, if Mike had told him to clean up his toys minutes before I told him to put on his PJs, he would be justified in telling me that he was in the middle of following the instruction from Mike. At that point, I could tell him to finish that first OR decide he could clean up in the morning because it's past bedtime and he needs to start his nighttime routine.
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I started this new plan on Saturday night (explaining, "...this would be a good time to ask if you may appeal," so he gets used to the new drill) and have seen amazing results. There have been a few times that my request needed to be followed immediately and he was NOT allowed to "appeal." He was frustrated at first, but sure enough, I found out later that he wanted something insignificant like a certain toy from the playroom or to change his shirt AGAIN before church. Honestly, I think he's gotten into the habit of pushing back just for the sake of feeling like he has an element of control. As he gets older, this might be acceptable, but for now, it's my responsibility to teach him to follow direction from all authority figures. The first time. Without negotiation.
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I asked this same friend if her 7 year old asks her teacher if she "may appeal." Because people outside my house would think my kid is nuts! Her answer was simple: away from home, her daughter knows that if her teacher asks her (or the class) to do something, she now understands what is worthy of asking ("May I use the restroom, first?") and what is not ("Can I finish my conversation with Jennifer?"). Life has interruptions and as anal as Ryan might be, he needs to learn that not everything he's doing gets to be completed in his timing.
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I'm starting to wonder if I'm explaining this right? It sounds like I'm a dictator or something... I'm not. I don't feel like I have unrealistic expectations of my kids. But I DO expect my children to follow instructions without arguing, whining or complaining. From me or any other adult that is caring for them. Because, like I've said before: if they don't obey me now, they certainly won't obey God later. And it's OUR job as parents to properly train them in this area. I plan to give a lot of grace while they get into this new habit, but I need to be consistent and I can see this new method working for Ryan.
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I feel like I'm badgering my point. Hopefully sharing this will help another reader who also has a miniature negotiator. If nothing else, at the least the grandmas will know what Ryan's talking about when he asks them if he can appeal!