Ready to Make a Change

This post was originally published August 30, 2008. Some of the links may be broken because the Biblical Womanhood blog has been discontinued...sorry about that!

I'm about to get personal.* Are you ready to go deep? This is about as deep as I get - in fact, I've debated about whether to post about this whole issue. But I like to keep it real, so I'm going to open up and get vulnerable on you. Get comfy...

*I should warn my non-Christian readers that you will probably not understand my opinions in this post. And this will surely not be a pleasant read for the Feminists out there. If you roll your eyes while reading or want to give me a piece of your mind in a comment, please feel free. Just know that if it's too critical or negative, I'll totally delete it because it's my blog. 'Kay?

Where do I start? Some of this will appear all over the place, so forgive me for the ADD-ness throughout what's likely to be a very long post.

I guess I should start with this series we're going through at church. It's a four-week series titled, "One Month to Live." Two weeks ago, we were presented with the question: "What would be different if you just had one month left to live?" The first thing I thought of is that I would have a better attitude. Now, those of you who know me, know that I'm a really positive person.That's not what I mean. When it comes to my husband and kids (unfortunately, those closest to me) I can have a bit of a 'tude. When I'm annoyed or angry, I'm an open book. I may try to hide my frustration, but it ends up coming out eventually. This is not something I'm proud of and I've gone through my ups and downs over the last 8.5 years of marriage about how well I share my feelings on a subject. Currently, I'm not practicing much self control and I've been wanting to get myself back on track.

In fact, to give you a visual...for those who have seen Jon & Kate plus 8, too often, I'm snappy like Kate. Most people think it's funny and cute, but when I see how she speaks to her husband, I sink in my seat. Because way too often, that's me. It didn't used to bother me, but a few months ago, I was convicted. I was so disgusted with myself that I was ready to make a change.

The problem was that I have some really bad habits that aren't easy to break. But I figured, admitting that I needed to change was a good first step, right?

Backing up to our church series: that first week, our pastor showed us an interview with a mom of 2 boys. She was told she had 4 weeks to live on the same weekend our pastor announced our upcoming series. She was in her 20s. And single. With kids the same age as mine. I sobbed as I watched the video of this poor girl...a million thoughts running through my mind.

If I had a month to live, I would absolutely speak sweeter to my husband. I would correct my children with the intention of changing their character, not their short-term behavior. I would not scold Ryan for coming out of his room for the hundredth time when he asks for a hug and a kiss, even if I knew he was stalling his bedtime. I would not spend so much time on the office computer while Mike watches t.v. downstairs alone. (by the way, I'm on the laptop while he watches the ASU/NAU game as we speak...) Yes, if I were told I had one month to live, I would make some major changes.

So why wait for such devastating news? Why not live that kind of life today?

That began my journey to change. It was a slow start and I hate to admit it, but not much happened right away.

Fast forward ahead to last week: Mike went on a three day staff retreat for work. (he works for our church) I intended to have a little "boot camp" with the kids to get them back on track because they haven't been behaving well lately. Mike and I often discuss how we want to correct and discipline them, but when it comes down to it, our guidelines are rarely followed and we come off as inconsistent. In my mind, what often happens is when Daddy comes home at night, all of my hard work all day gets contradicted. Sometimes he's too easy on them, but more often he's too harsh. (again, in my opinion)

Things went well Monday and Tuesday with the kids and my principals of the "Have a New Kid by Friday" book were really working. During naptime on Tuesday, I checked my emails and spent a little time surfing blogs. This is where I was slapped around a bit. First, a friend sent me an online personality test that got me thinking. It has pictures to choose from at each stage of the test and when I saw a picture of a mom tossing her daughter in the air, that was not how I wanted to answer the "Where I'd rather be right now..." question. I wished it was where I'd rather be, but regretably, I was pretty glad that my kids were asleep.

Then the first blog I read was a friend whose husband was also away on the retreat with Mike. She mentioned how much she missed him and couldn't wait for him to come home. At first, this touched my heart, then I started feeling a little sad. Of course, I looked forward to seeing Mike the next day, but I wasn't longing for him to return. She also mentioned that he was the "hero of their home." By this time, I was feeling pretty low. Last year, we went through a study called Love and Respect, so I am fully aware that every man yearns to be the hero of their home. Why don't I view Mike that way? The kids see him that way. What is my problem? Pride? Independence? Is it even IN me to be a starry-eyed homemaker who puts her husband up on such a pedestal?

I continued through my blogroll and, no joke, saw a post on Biblical Womanhood. It said:

All of you who are married or hope to be married someday must run over and read this excellent piece by Camilla Brown: 12 Things You Should Not Do To Your Husband.

As wives, we have the incredible responsibility to be the help meet to our husband. This word, "help meet" in the Hebrew ("ezer") literally means "a tower of strength".

Think about that for a minute: Are your actions, attitudes, words, and thoughts bringing strength to your husband? Or are they tearing him down as a man?

If you are married, purpose today to invest your life around serving the Lord by serving your husband. Be his helper, be his encourager, be his biggest cheerleader. Listen to him, notice his needs, praise him, go out of your way to show him love in practical ways. Become a student of your husband--know his likes and his dislikes, his interests, his vision, his passion, his heart.

Let us throw off the garbage we've been fed from feminism, humanism, and egalitarianism, and let us be noble women of virtue and valor, bulwarks of support and love to our husbands!

"A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones." (Proverbs 12:4)

I was near tears when I called my BFF to tell her what a horrible wife I am. As any best friend would do, she talked me off the roof and I got off the phone feeling motivated to do better, no longer discouraged that I'm sabotaging my marriage.

I think as someone with a strong personality, I tend to overpower my husband. And when I disagree with how he disciplines our kids (even when I wait to bring up the issue privately), he feels criticized and it affects his confidence as a father.

My actions, attitudes, words, and thoughts are NOT bringing strength to my husband. And they are very likely tearing him down as a man. Lovely.

Intentionally or not, women set the tone for their homes. I know that in my head, but when the clock strikes 5 and I'm exhausted from a full day with the kids, I rarely put my attitude in check before Mike comes home. And so the "crazy cycle" begins...

Tuesday was a defining day for me. Similar to that of a smoker who finally decides to quit. Or someone finally motivated to start eating better and exercising. Like anyone with a bad habit, I've known what I should be doing. Sometimes I did the right things, sometimes I didn't. Too often I didn't.

I suddenly realized why my kids aren't changing their own attitude and behavior. So many of my issues with Ryan are issues of disrespect. Why on earth would my children respect their parents, grandparents or even each other when I wasn't showing respect to Mike??? THIS was my defining moment. Everything was suddenly so clear.

This three days of Daddy-free time was supposed to get my kids on the right track. Instead, I got a major wake up call. The common denominator is ME. Ouch. Mike isn't perfect, my kids are not perfect. But how I respond to them needs to be less about what they say or do and more about my heart attitude. How quickly I forgot that, as a Christian, I am to live for an audience of One.

My epiphany has changed me and I'm hoping it's permanent. I haven't told Mike about this and honestly, I'm kind of hoping he doesn't read this post. (he doesn't read my blog much, but sometimes he logs on to take a peek) I'm curious to see how things are different around here without making a big announcement about what God revealed to me.

I made myself a little note card with a checklist in my nightstand that I intend to look at each morning to get my attitude right, first thing in the morning. I'm already seeing differences in the kids, drastic improvements in my mood and much more pleasant interactions with Mike. I've been responding less emotionally to things and I'm not saying a word or so much as raising my eyebrows when I think that Mike is overreacting to Ryan's misbehavior. I'm just letting it go. Unfortunately, I've still lost it a few times with the kids, but it was pointed out to me that slipping up is God's way of humbling me. And that, He does.

I think it's only human to get frustrated when you repeat the same requests to your kids daily. Over. And over. And over. "Don't gargle your milk" and "Use your words, not your hands" (or feet or teeth...) and "Don't bang your fork into the table" (our kitchen table looks like it survived a hail storm). But my new personal goal each day is to give one calm reminder for each "rule" before instituting time out or taking away a privilege. (or a fork...) I tend to think that if I've said it a million times they should remember that things aren't allowed. Like shouting inside the house or stealing toys from each other or interrupting every single conversation I try to have with, "Mommy? Hey, mommy - MOMMMMMMMMMmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

I'm proud that I have been treating Mike with the respect he deserves. As a man, as my husband and as a human being. He deserves better than what I've been offering him. Even when he says something that makes me want to give him a blank stare and whisper, "Are you kidding me?!?" Instead, I just smile sincerely and say, "Hmmm, interesting." Or when we watch a pointless football game that's 30 to nothing on a Saturday night when we could be watching a movie or a show that we both enjoy. (hypothetically speaking, of course) Because he is still a man and we still think very differently.

For those of you who are fighting this whole post because "the husband should be willing to change too" and "it takes two to tango" or would never dream of making this decision for your own relationship, think about the best marriages you know. If you watch these couples, you'll notice that they speak kindly to each other and let the little things go. They serve their spouse and consider their needs above their own, but couples who keep score or are in self-protection mode aren't healthy and likely aren't thriving. It takes one person in the relationship to start this process. I'm not saying my marriage was in trouble because divorce is not an option in our house. But if we're planning on spending the rest of our lives together, wouldn't it make sense that we'd want those years to be happy, pleasant ones??? I'm so ready for more good moments than tough ones. I'm done thinking that this issue is going to solve itself.

We were told at church today that the young, single mom passed away yesterday. We just learned of her situation two weeks ago. It happened that fast. We have one final message left in this "One Month to Live" series and we'll miss it because we're going to San Diego next weekend. But I'm confident that God has already spoken to me. I get it. I think I will be forever changed by these realizations.

Almost 18 months after writing about this topic, things aren't perfect, but I'm much better than I was. I sometimes still default to snapping when I'm tired or stressed, but more often than not, I catch myself and speak calmly. If you want to see a follow up post to see how my "changes" were originally received by Mike, click here.