Staying Content as a Family of Five

Sad news…I'm no longer pregnant. As excited as we were about adding another sibling to our home, this one was not in God's plan. Our biggest prayer was for the health of the baby, and (although this was definitely not what we were hoping for) we truly believe that God answered our prayer.

It's been more than a week and my heart is healing. To be honest, I was sad the day that I went to the ER and found out there was no heartbeat in the ultrasound, but the next day I was feeling better, the cramping had stopped, and I thought I was doing well. 

The most annoying reminder has been my knee: the night I went to the ER, I passed out in my bathroom and fell into a crumpled heap onto the floor, landing wrong and twisting my knee. It still hurts to straighten it and I have to limp after sitting for an extended period of time. I'm hoping it will just go away.

I had publicly announced this pregnancy on Facebook (by posting the video of when I told the kids…which was hilarious) so I had to publicly UNannounce the news. It was the fastest way to avoid running into people around town and have them ask me how I'm feeling, if we know what we're having, etc.

The outpouring of more than 300 comments, dozens of private messages and texts, flowers, Edible Arrangement fruit bouquets, sympathy cards, and meals from neighbors…it was all quite unexpected. The love and empathy I felt was absolutely overwhelming. Reading through the comments, hearing about others' personal experiences with miscarriages (I even learned that one friend lost twins at 22 weeks) - it was all very emotional. I was a wreck for the better part of two days. 

Jason's sweet comments didn't help. At least once daily I heard things like: 

(while hugging my stomach) "Good bye, Baby! I can't wait to meet you in heaven someday!"

"Mom, I wish we were still having a baby."

"I really wanted to be a big brother."

"That little baby is so cute, Mom!  I said I wanted a baby brother, but I kind of also wanted a baby sister."

He even randomly walks up and kisses my stomach, then walks away. It's really sweet.

One night, I was praying with him at bedtime and instead of holding his hands, for some reason I pulled him in for a hug. I was praying about the baby and he started hugging me really tight. I lost it. He pulled back to see why I stopped praying and said, "Are you crying because your heart is broken about the baby? If you don't want to cry, you probably shouldn't talk about the baby."

A few days ago, my OB/GYN called to say that my blood work had come back and my levels were still showing that I was pregnant. I had a little glimmer of hope that maybe there was a mistake and I hadn't miscarried…? After all, my doctor's office was taking the word of the ER doctor, but hadn't actually seen any of the paperwork. They had me come in the next day for another ultrasound and, sure enough, there was nothing there. 

As I was going back out to the waiting room, the ultrasound tech sweetly said, "I'm so sorry for your loss," and my eyes filled with tears. And they wouldn't stop. I just sat in the waiting room, unable to stop crying while a dozen or more pregnant women stared at me. 

That day was the last of my hard days. Physically, my body is still healing, but I'm finally recovering, emotionally. It wasn't this difficult with my first miscarriage 12 years ago. 

One Facebook friend commented on my un-announcement saying, "We've had four miscarriages and it never gets any easier. I'll bet my kids are showing yours around in heaven!" That visual has made me smile every time I think about it.

Jason's First Plane Ride

The kids have been ecstatic about flying to Hawaii for weeks. If they didn’t have Christmas to look forward to in the meantime, I might have gone crazy with the anticipation in our household. Jason had never been on a plane and Ryan hasn't flown since he was a year old.

I spent the early part of last week thinking of every last thing to pack. I tend to dread packing and my mom finally told me that it was because I always forgot something when I packed myself for summer camp every. single. year. And now I have anxiety about forgetting something obvious.

But not this trip! I had a backpack full of electronics (iPad, iPods, iPhones, my laptop for movies), DVDs, healthy snacks, unhealthy treats, baby wipes, and napkins. I even packed an empty grocery sack for trash on the plane...I seriously thought of everything! I had another backpack full of books, games, workbooks and Rainbow Loom materials for the big kids. I had a third backpack full of gift-wrapped trinkety toys and activities to keep Jason occupied. (my international world traveler friend swears by wrapping one Dollar Store item per hour of travel to keep kids entertained and to eliminate drama when something is dropped and rolls to the back of the plane or is left behind at the terminal.)

Yes, I totally used up my "Wedding Wishes" wrapping paper for our airplane gifts!

We were up and loading the car at 4:15am and standing in line to check our bags within the hour. I got up to the counter to be told that our 6:45am connection flight through L.A. has been cancelled. No. NOOOO!!!! We got in another long line (along with the gazillion other passengers who wanted to get to L.A. or Hawaii that morning) and somehow got on a direct flight that would only get us in 3 hours later than originally expected. The problem was that there were only three seats together and two of us would have to sit randomly in other parts of the plane. 

We decided to deal with that later, grabbed breakfast and settled in to our gate with just four hours to spare before our new flight departed.

At 10:45am, the attendants finally arrived at our gate. Mind you, we arrived at the airport 5.5 hours earlier...keeping the excited kids occupied while Mike and I were walking zombies was a joke. I explained to the staff person that we were told they could shuffle some single passengers since children can’t sit alone on a 6-7 hour flight. The man seemed uninterested in helping me, but somehow, by the grace of God, after I'd given up completely, it all worked out. Originally, he reassigned Mike and Ryan so they were sitting together only a few rows away from the rest of us, but when I shouted a “Thank you!” as I boarded the plane, he grabbed Mike and Ryan out of line and placed them in the row directly across from us. It pays to NOT be the squeaky wheel sometimes!

None of this has to do with my story except for the fact that Jason was asking every 15 minutes all morning, “Mo-om, can we get on the plane now?” I put him in the window seat. 

Jason: “Are we in the air yet?”

Me: "Do you see the sky below us?”

Jason: “No.”

Me: “Then no.”

(1 minute later...)

Jason: “Are we in the air yet?”

Me: Do you see the sky below us?”

Jason: “No.”

Me: “Then no.”

(imagine this conversation repeating 3-4 times...)

Jason: “When are we going to fly in the air?”

Me: “In about 8 minutes.”

(1 minute later...)

Jason: “Has it been 8 minutes yet?” 

Me: “No. It’s been 1 minute.”

Jason: “So there’s 7 minutes left?”

Me: (sigh) “Yup.”

(imagine this conversation repeating every minute for the next 7 minutes...)

Jason: “Why aren’t we in the air, Mom?”

Me: (veins are officially pulsing at my temples) “We’re probably in line with some other planes, waiting. Please be patient and stop asking.”

Jason: "Mom?"

Me: "Please. Stop. Asking. For real."

At some point in the next 10 minutes, we finally take off.

Jason: “Mom, I have to go potty.” 

Me: “You can't go potty, buddy. The seat belt light is still on and it’s pretty bumpy. I put you in a Pull Up just in case this happened...just pee in the Pull Up. I have another one for you to put on.”

(I’m not kidding when I say, I feel like I thought of everything!!!)

Jason: “No...I have to go POO.”

Me: “Oh.” (grabbing a nearby flight attendant) “Miss? When will the fasten seat belt light be turning off? My son has to go to the bathroom.”

Her: “Probably soon.”

Me: “Can we sneak in there real quick?”

Her: “Nope. You really must stay seated.”

Jason: (tearing up) “Mo-om! I really need to go NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, honey. You’re going to have to hold it.”

Jason: (screaming now...at least it felt like it) “MOM!!! I have to go. NOW!!!”

Me: “You’re wearing a Pull Up, so if you need to go in your pants, we’ll just clean it up. It’s fine...just go.”

Jason: (sobbing now) “I CAN’T!!!”

After 5 minutes of him wailing, I grab a different flight attendant. 

Me: “Excuse me? My son is freaking out. He has to go to the bathroom immediately.” 

Her: (looking past me, at Jason, who is suddenly perfectly calm and playing on the iPad) “Sure - that’s fine,” like it’s not a big deal at all and a little suspicious of the drama I’m creating.

Mike jumps in at this point: “I need to go, too. I’ll take him.”

A few minutes later, I peek toward the restrooms and see Mike flagging me over.

Me: “What’s going on?” 

Mike: “He’s crying in the bathroom, asking for you. He won’t let me help him.”

I go into the bathroom to find Jason stark naked from the waste down. The toilet has poop both in and ON it, but it’s also down his leg and on the floor.

Jason: (sobbing) “Mommy! I pooped on my LEGS!”

Me: (somehow, still perfectly calm...probably because Jason is freaking out enough for the both of us) “It’s fine, sweetie! Let’s get you cleaned up.”

300 tissues, 225 paper towels and 3 flushes later, I peeked out of the bathroom and asked Mike to get me the package of baby wipes from one of the backpacks.

While he searched through every zipper pocket of every backpack, I bent over to see if the Pull Up was able to be saved. Not only was there poo on the edge of the Pull Up, there was poo all over the inside of Jason’s right pant leg. 

(It was at this point that I realized I had NOT thought of everything. Extra pants would have come in pretty handy about now.)

I used AT LEAST half of the brand new package of baby wipes trying to get the pants clean enough to put back on him. At this point, they’re soaked, but we have no other option.

When we get back to our seats, Jason asked if he could sit by Daddy. 

I thought that was a lovely idea! 

Neat Freak Rule #143: Never Leave a Room Empty Handed

Have you ever wondered how organized people keep clutter at bay? There are lots of tips and tricks, but one of the secrets (there are not 143…I made that up) is to never leave a room without taking something with you. Obviously, you'll want to be intentional about bringing something that doesn't belong in the kitchen upstairs to the office when you head up to change your clothes. Or bring the laundry basket down to the laundry room on your way downstairs to start making dinner. Get the idea?

For me, this is a never-ending cycle because my sweet "I'm four now and I'm not three anymore because I've had lots of birthdays…four of them…" Jason lives by a similar philosophy. The problem is that instead of bringing things back into the room where they belong, he chooses to take things from their rightful homes and drop them off in a totally random part of the house. 

I find stuffed animals in my closet. Clean, neglected wardrobe changes on my bathroom floor. Schoolbooks in the hallway. Dirty socks on my bed. Books in the pantry. Hot Wheels by the front door. The iPad cover in the play room. Darts and dart guns every.where. I'm not making up a single one of these examples…these are just a few things I've found this week. He remains, and may always be, Destructo-boy: Destroyer of All Things Tidy.

So if you feel like your house looks like a tornado went through it, give this task a try. And don't just dump something on a table when you drop it in the right room - take a quick second and put it back in the drawer where it belongs, put dishes in the dishwasher, hang up the shirt, throw the trash way…you get the idea. You will save yourself the extra work later!

"...because I'm too big for diapers..."

I walked into the boys' room today to put Jason down for a nap and was overwhelmed with the stench of urine. Jason had mentioned this morning that he wet his bed "a little", but that's not uncommon after he swims, because I think he swallows pool water by the gallon.

I was too tired to change his sheets, so I laid down a towel on the dry bed, only to realize that his comforter was soaked. On the floor next to his bed was a gently worn, very DRY diaper.

Me: "Jason, is this your diaper from last night?"

Jason: (smiling proudly) "Yes. It's the one grandma put on me after we went swimming."

Me: "When did you take it off?"

Jason: "After I was in bed."

Me: (*sigh*) "Why did you take it off, buddy?"

Jason: "Because I'm too big for diapers. I go potty in the toilet."

Me: (breathing in...breathing out...) "Yes, you are getting to be a very big boy, Jason. But you still have accidents at nighttime. When we put a diaper on, you have to keep it on until morning."

Jason: "Why?"

Me: "Smell your bed."

Jason: (sniffing) "It smells like pee."

Me: "That's why."

Jason: "But do I need to wear a diaper now for my nap?"

Me: "Nope - you just went potty, so you can wear your big boy underwear."

Jason: "Can I not wear pants? Because Daddy doesn't wear his pants when he goes to bed. Just underwear."

Me: (smiling) "Sure. But let's get you some clean, dry covers. This comforter needs to be washed. Again."

Believe me...I'm as over this diaper nonsense as anyone can get. I've been washing and rewashing sheets and deodorizing mattresses for nearly a decade. But it's not time to move on just yet. Hopefully soon. Very, very soon.

No Wolves in the Closet

We had a rough day around here yesterday.

I think Jason might be getting sick. I had to carry him out of Kaylin's gymnastics lobby {quite literally} kicking and screaming because 1. I had woken him up from his nap to make it to her class on time and 2. I tried to wipe his suddenly runny nose with a tissue. 

I have some nerve, right? 

20 minutes after that picture was taken, he tumbled down the stairs. Clearly there's something going on in his head...or inner ear. My poor boy!

That caused ALL of us to have a tough day yesterday. Sometimes it just has a domino effect! So today, we began our day with prayer. He started: "Dear God...thank you for this day. Thank you that we have happy hearts and that we be kind to each other. And thank you that there are no wolves in my room. Or in my closet...because I checked and there aren't any. In Jesus name I pray. Amen."

I've been sick, our routine has been off, the weather has been funky, now Jason's getting sick...I just need to hit the "reset" button to get us all back on track. 

And maybe take the rest of this week off school. Because I seriously need to put my house back together after being down and out last week!

Dear Angry Movie Lady...

There's an awesome program at a local Arizona-run movie theater that allows you to buy 10 movies during the summer for $7 per person. That's less than $1 per movie, per person!!!  They show kid flicks that might be 1-2 years old, but my kids don't know the difference. Not only is it a great weekly event to look forward to, but it gets us out of the heat and allows kids to get used to going to the movies when the entire theatre is filled with other loud-talking, overly-wiggly kids. 

The program is genius, really. I began taking Ryan when he was three and we've bought tickets each summer since. Kaylin and Jason both learned to be quiet and sit still before they were a year old and now all of my kids know the unspoken movie-going rules and etiquette.

Yesterday, we took advantage of the long weekend and took the kids to a newly released, overpriced movie as a family. I wasn't thrilled with any of the animated choices, so we saw, "The Odd Life of Timothy Green." 

This was the test: could my strong-willed 2-year old sit still through a non-animated movie that did not feature talking animals? We bought our popcorn and snacks, grabbed a booster seat for Jason and settled in to our seats.  The place was packed to capacity. The lights dimmed...

As usual, the first hour was perfect. No one even knew there was a 2-year old in the room. He laughed when others laughed, quietly pointed when he wanted a refill on his popcorn, he even mouthed, "I love you, Mommy" in the glow of the screen. It was picturesque. 

Then he asked to sit on my lap. Absolutely, my perfectly-behaved boy! 

As I pulled him from his seat to mine, his clunky shoe gently knocked the back of the seat in front of me. I quickly offered a hushed apology to the lady in the seat, but she shot back a glare of disgust in return. I ignored my defensive mama bear instincts because, let's face it, I've been there.  Prior to having kids myself, I would have agreed that a movie theater was no place for a child.

(A.D.D. moment: Is it theatre or theater?  Because spell check is accepting both and now I'm questioning myself...)

Jason sat on my lap for quite a while before becoming bored and needing a change of scenery asking if I could take him to the bathroom. He hopped off my lap and, sure enough, kicked the seat in front of me again.  Another look was shot back at me from Angry Movie Lady and again, my apology fell on deaf ears. 

Fast forward a bit...we're back from the bathroom and sitting perfectly quiet and perfectly still again when the teenaged girls next to me decided they needed a bathroom break. As they climbed over my lanky legs, they both...BOTH...kicked the seat in front of me. At this point, poor Angry Movie Lady is officially pissed. And I'm quite positive that she thinks the clumsy teens belong to ME. I desperately wanted to lean forward and say, "Okay, I am NOT taking responsibility for those girls!!!" But I didn't. I bit my tongue and continued to force Jason's legs into weird positions to make sure his shoes wouldn't go within 6 inches of Angry Movie Lady's chair.

Toward the end of the movie, Jason decided to rotate to Mike's lap. I was oh-so-careful placing him on the floor and managed to avoid all contact with the seat in front of me. Whew! Jason tip-toed past his empty seat, then past Kaylin, but before reaching Mike, he tripped and grabbed onto the seat in front of Mike belonging to...who else but Angry Movie Lady's husband. Now he was ready for a throw-down. Awesome.

What seemed like six hours later, the movie was finally over. I tried to rush out of the theater with my kids, but I was unable to hide from Mr. and Mrs. Angry Movie Lady. I felt a hole being stared into my forehead.

So if you're reading this, Angry Movie Lady, I would like to apologize.  I'm sure that when you purchased $40 in tickets for your family to enjoy this Jennifer Garner flick, you had no idea there would be a two year old sitting behind you. I hope you were so annoyed that you complained at the front desk and got a refund to see a complimentary movie of your choice.

Regardless, I very much enjoyed our little afternoon family outing. And I'm proud of how well behaved my {difficult} son is for nearly two hours in a huge, people-packed, dark room. It's nothing short of a miracle that he complies!