The Importance of Delayed Gratification

It's Friday Rerun time again! This post was originally published on October 18, 2008.

At church, we're going through a series about finances and today was about the bondage of debt. The point that caught my attention was regarding the idea of delayed gratification. Some university (Stanford, maybe?) did a study on the 4 year olds in their staff day care. They put out a bunch of candy and sweets and observed what was each child's favorite.

All of the goodies were then removed, except two of each child's favorite treat. Our pastor used the example of marshmallows. The kids were told that the adults were going to leave the room for a little while and that when they returned, if the child hadn't eaten their marshmallow, they wouldn't get one, but two. If, at any point, the child couldn't handle it and HAD to eat the marshmallow, they could eat one right then, but only one. SO two if they waited, one if they didn't. The adults left for 15-20 minutes, leaving the marshmallows in front of each child. Some ate one, others were patient and were rewarded with two.

These kids were followed for the next 15 years to see if the ones who made the decision to delay gratification would do so consistently through their teen years and if the ones who ate their favorite treat immediately when they were 4 years old would continue to make impulsive decisions and be unable or unwilling to delay gratification.

Sure enough, all of the kids made decisions over the next 15 years that were consistent with their result at age 4.

My pastor's point was this: If parents give in at the grocery store checkout line, have a hard time saying "no" and don't choose to teach the importance of delayed gratification, their children may never learn this skill. It's our job to teach this habit NOW, especially if we expect them to make certain decisions later.

The kids who refused to delay their gratification at a young age became teens who had sex before marriage. They were early drinkers and got into drugs. They were the young married couples who felt entitled to have the big house and all the "stuff" that their parents had after 25 years of marriage. THEY are the people who are in debt up to their eyeballs because they need to have things before they have the money to pay for them.

It's so logical! I found all of that very, very interesting.

And you know I wanted to try this little experiment with my own kids at home!!! But my curiosity will have to wait to be satisfied until tomorrow because we came home too close to bedtime.

I have a feeling I know how it will go, though. We have no problem using the word, "no" in our house! Plus, I've seen evidence of their impulse control over the last couple days. Yesterday I had a bunch of snacks on the counter for a meeting I had at my house. Ryan asked for a section of a cinnamon roll and I told him he could have only one: either right now or after his friends arrived. He chose to have it when his friends were there. Of course, as soon as we welcomed the first guest 20 minutes later, he said, "May I have my cinnamon roll now, please??"

Kaylin chose to have hers "now" before the other kids arrived, but in most cases, when she's given a treat, she always holds onto it. For a long time - like she's saving it or something. To the point that I can attest that the "M&Ms melt in your mouth, not in your hand" theory is no longer valid. When I gave her M&Ms while potty training, she'd hold those things forever, staining her hand and outfit blue, green, yellow, red or brown.

On a similar note, at a birthday party this afternoon, I was talking to another mom about a great concept I read in a book a few months back. The author was discussing the motivation that drives kids to do what they do, both good and bad. For example, why certain kids choose to study hard and get good grades: some do it for their parent's acceptance or praise, others do it because they're personally driven to succeed, some enjoy being competitive, there are all sorts of reasons.

It was the whole idea of praise vs. encouragement. Praising your kids is tying their behavior to your acceptance. Encouraging them increases their self worth and focuses on the act, not the child. He suggested that in addition to saying, "Great job sharing with your sister, Ryan! I'm so proud of you!" Add on something like, "Doesn't it make you feel good inside to give to others?" Or when he finally finishes a tough puzzle, say, "Good job, Ryan! All of that hard work paid off. Don't you feel proud of yourself for sticking with it?" That internal good feeling the child feels will be the motivation to do something in the future, not the desire to please their parents. Who would imagine that this one extra sentence, connecting their feelings of pride and accomplishment, could develop into a habit of self-motivation?

All of this is a good reminder that the little battles we're not choosing today will affect our child's temperment tomorrow and potentially for the rest of their lives. Lovely - like I wasn't feeling enough pressure as a parent already...!