Don't Rob Me of MY Time

When my kids were babies, I was the naptime Nazi. Bedtimes were exactly 90 minutes after each feeding, which were every three hours from 7am-7pm. At 7:00, the lights went out. I loved that our routine was predictable and that I could schedule life around well-rested, happy kids. This non-negotiable bedtime lasted until Kindergarten, at least. I slacked off occasionally, but bedtimes were a rigid requirement for many, many years.

Somewhere along the way, we got off course. Bedtime moved to 7:30, then 8:00. Story time would linger. Kids took turns popping out of bed for extra kisses or a drink of water. The nail in the coffin was when we began homeschooling last year...no more rushing around in the morning meant no sense of urgency to get to bed at night. We became very lax about bedtime.

Feb 2010 - Story time with Daddy

Recently, my mom went to my BFF's house to babysit for her when she was in a bind. She made a comment that lingered in my head: "Her kids (four of them from 2-8 years old) go to bed immediately when they're told. Right at 7:30, no arguing or complaining." My heart twinged a little as I thought, "Hmph - so do mine!" Then reality set in, "Oh wait, they don't so much anymore..."

I think because they've become so independent, we say, "Go take a shower" or "Head upstairs and put on your PJs" and expect them to do it. But often they dawdle or distract each other and we get caught doing something on our own and don't follow up with them when they're done. Then everyone gets thrown off.

When I talked to my friend about how she's stayed so diligent with her bedtime routine, she simply replied, "Because every minute past 7:30 that the kids go to bed is one less minute I get to spend with my husband."

Well, when you put it that way...

My fire was relit. Bedtime in our house was immediately 8:00 and not a minute later. I thought this would be met with some resistance, but as it turns out, the problem wasn't the kids...it was me and Mike. When we ask them to do something and follow up with them, they don't get as distracted and they're fully capable (and willing!) to stay on course.

Mike hasn't been quite as neurotic as I have about sticking to the 8:00 bedtime. If the kids are getting along and everyone's content, he tends to not want to upset the applecart with the announcement of bedtime. The problem lies in the fact that when we allow them to stay up later, we get less time together and less individual time to relax and deprogram before we turn in for the night. As a couple, we begin to feel disconnected and as a stay at home mom, I feel like it's all kids, all the time; from the moment I wake until the moment I go to bed.

Don't get me wrong...I love my kids. I choose to spend day in and day out with them and love that I don't send them off to school each day. But I still need MY time. I need OUR time. 

So showers and stories now start at 7:30, lights out at 8:00. Period. The bedtime Nazi is officially back in business. 

Caterpillars!

It's a sad day when you realize your kids don't have access to NORMAL bugs like caterpillars.  Something weird is in the air (or Phoenix has a plague) because there are thousands of caterpillars descending from mountains all over. After an early morning text from a friend, we ditched our school books and went to a nearby park, which is at the base of a mountain, to find the grass, concrete and dirt swarming with these adorable, fast-moving creatures.

I came prepared with bowls and Press-n-Seal for the kids to collect their new pets.

Ryan had no problem picking them up and putting them in trees, on bushes and on signs.

"Go climb this tree, little caterpillar!"

"EW! It pooped on me!"

"I'll just wipe it on my jeans."

Other than my local readers, I betcha don't have signs like this at your public park!  Rattlesnakes don't scare me as much as coyotes, which we see periodically at night around here. They just walk around like they own the neighborhood. Like we built our homes in their natural habitat or something. The nerve! Desert wildlife freaks me out. Oh, who am I kidding - ALL wildlife freaks me out.

Ryan finally manipulated convinced Kaylin to pick up a creepy crawly. He may or may not have bribed her with sleeping in his top bunk to get her to do the deed.

I snapped this picture a split second before Jason wildly waved his arms to be free of the creature inching up his arm.

The kids have been captivated by their new pets for hours today. I'm going to borrow a butterfly-home-net-thingy from a friend and we're going to feed them in hopes that they transform before our eyes. From what I hear, these types of caterpillars turn into moths, not butterflies, but we'll have to see for ourselves. If they survive, that is!

Creating Unselfish, Helpful Siblings

For years, I've been reading about larger families and how they get "it" all done. The whole process of running a home is a giant task in and of itself, but for families who's members are multiplied exponentially, well, let's just say I've always been curious how the parents keep their act together.

One common thread that I've seen in well-run household and those with larger families is that everyone helps out and contributes. Once a child is old enough to pick up toys, they are expected to pitch in. As they get older, they might set the table or make their bed or unload the dishwasher. This is something I've incorporated into our home for chores and responsibilities. I believe it keeps my kids from feeling a sense of entitlement and it keeps Mike and me from running ragged doing everything ourselves. Not only have we set daily and weekly expectations for the kids, but they are expected to complete each task with a happy heart...I think that's an important, forgotten piece of the process.

Another common thread, especially with bigger families, is that older kids help their younger siblings. The thing that frustrates me is that Jason won't let Ryan or Kaylin help him with anything...he barely lets me help him with anything! This creates a problem when safety is at stake or when I genuinely need an extra set of hands when caring for Jason.

I've recently decided to intentionally work on this in our home. Not only for Jason to be more willing to listen and obey his older siblings (when they are put in charge and it is made clear to him that they are in charge) but also for Kaylin to be more open to taking instruction from Ryan.

I began asking Ryan to help Jason do little things (that I didn't need him to necessarily do, at that moment) and watched to monitor that Jason would actually allow the help. Just simple things, like getting Jason dressed or putting toothpaste on his toothbrush. Now we're up to the boys bathing together and Ryan can actually wash and rinse Jason's hair on his own. These aren't things that will become Ryan's responsibilities as an older brother, I'm just looking to set a precedence that if/when I'm overwhelmed, Jason will accept help from his siblings.

Then I moved on to Kaylin. Sometimes her relationship with Ryan can be such a competition that her pride takes over and she cops an attitude when he offers assistance. Granted, Ryan tends to enjoy helping people without asking if they would like his help (I'm not sure where he gets that controlling nature...it's a mystery...) so Kaylin already has it set up in her head that he's being a bossy older brother when there are times that he is genuinely trying to be helpful.

To transition this into our homeschool routine, I'm taking a page from the Dutch.  My friend, DutchMac, has raved of their education system for years. The 4-6 year olds all begin in the same classroom and study the same things, then the older kids will assist the younger kids when they struggle with certain concepts.  How brilliant is that? Teaching that information solidifies the knowledge in the older kids while fostering an environment of community and helpfulness. 

I am stealing this idea without shame.

On our way to and from the gym each day (HA - I wish I was good enough to go every day) the kids work on their spelling workbooks in the backseat. Up until recently, the work has been easy enough that they haven't required much of me. The problem has been that Ryan doesn't like being interrupted with questions and Kaylin sometimes isn't humble in her clarifying questions of Ryan, so they bicker. 

During school time, I started having Kaylin help Jason with his flashcards (which he loves and I don't spend enough time doing with him because of the needs of the older kids). When he doesn't mind Kaylin, she gets a taste of her own medicine. I can now use those moments as examples of how I want Kaylin to give to respect Ryan when he's helping her. I remind Ryan to speak to Kaylin the way he wants me to speak to him when he asks for help, I remind Kaylin to speak to Ryan the way she wants Jason to speak to her when she's trying to help him...it's becoming a give-and-take learning lesson.

All of this to say that we're breaking down the walls of pridefulness around here with these kids. It's not constantly a problem, but when I'm in a hurry and need everyone to cooperate, things rarely go smoothly, so we're having lots of "dress rehearsals" to practice in the non-crisis moments of life.

And it seems to be working well!  So far.

The Polar Express is coming. To our house. Tonight.

During dinner tonight, Ryan made a very exciting announcement:

Ryan: "When we were playing outside this afternoon, we heard a train horn.  And Morgan said it was probably The Polar Express. So when it stops at our house tonight...can we get on it?"
Mike: "Sure."
Me: "Absolutely!  If The Polar Express comes to our house tonight, you may absoLUTEly get on it."

(Ryan was so relieved that we agreed...then the excitement set in.  The horn, by the way, is the car horn of a man in the neighborhood who loves honking it as he drives around.  It sounds exactly like a train. We had no idea what it was until he drove by our house one day.)

Ryan: "So I need to stay up really late to wait for The Polar Express. Is that fine?"
Me: "Actually, if you remember from the movie, the boy was asleep when it pulled up to his house."
Ryan: "Oh YEAH.  And his whole room shook and that's what woke him up."
Me: "Exactly."
Mike: "In fact, if you're awake, it won't come. You HAVE TO go to sleep."
Kaylin: "Then we should leave out our robe and slippers. So they're easier to grab before we go out the front door."
Me: "Good thinking!"

(at this point, the kids were so excited that they could hardly sit still in their seats, let alone eat their dinner)

Kaylin: "Can Jason come?"
Me: "No, he's too young.  Plus, he probably wouldn't listen and obey the conductor, so we'll keep him at home with us."
Kaylin: "Okay. I wonder if they'll have cocoa...?"
Ryan: "Of course they'll have cocoa!  Remember the 'Hot! Hot!' song from the movie?  We'll get cocoa...and probably cookies...and we'll take the train all the way up to the North Pole to meet the REAL Santa Claus."
Kaylin: "Yay!"
Ryan: "And I bet I'LL get the first gift of Christmas."
Kaylin: "I'll get the second gift."

(while getting ready for bed, I overheard Ryan in his room)

Ryan: "Jason...now you have to be a very good boy for Mommy and Daddy.  Ryan is going on The Polar Express tonight and you need to be very, very good while I'm gone.  Okay?"
Jason: "Okay, Ry-yun."
Kaylin: "OH NO!  I don't have any slippers!!!  Will they let me on the train?!!?"
Ryan: "Yes, but you have to wear something.  It can't be flip flops, though.  Those aren't allowed."
Kaylin: "Let's leave everything out in the hallway."
Ryan: "MOM!?  Can we do a practice run?  Here.  You be the train. Make a train sound and we'll run out of our bedrooms and see if we can get our robe and slippers on in 5 seconds."

(Dry run ensued...turns out 5 seconds was too short.  We decided 20 seconds was plenty of time.)

Ryan: "Oh GREAT, Mom.  I just cleaned up my room and," (tears filled his eyes...I kid you not) "...when the whole house shakes, it's going to mess it all up!"
Me: "Don't worry, buddy.  I'll help you clean it up again."
Kaylin: "I'm kind of scared."
Mike: "You don't have to go if you don't want to, honey."
Me: "Remember the little boy, Billy, who almost didn't get on The Polar Express?  The conductor was fine with it...he wasn't mad at all."
Ryan: "But I'll be there, Kaylin, so you'll be fine."
Kaylin: "Okay.  I'll just decide when it gets here."
Ryan: "Mom, will the ticket just appear in my pocket?"
Me: "I have no idea...you'll have to tell me in the morning."

(Teeth brushed, robe and slippers moved around a few more times...taken OFF of the rail knob so the pocket won't rip, like in the movie.)

Me: "Ryan, can I talk to you for a second?"
Ryan: "Sure."
Me: "I want you to be prepared for the fact that The Polar Express may or may not come tonight.  Are you prepared if it DOES come?"
Ryan: "Yeah...we have all of our stuff ready to go."
Me: "Great. But what if it doesn't come? Will you be mad tomorrow?"
Ryan: (looking down) "No."
Me: "Will you be disappointed?"
Ryan: "Yeah."
Me: "I just want you to be prepared both situations.  The train may come.  Or it may not.  Are you okay either way?"
Ryan: "Yeah, I guess."
Me: "Alright, buddy.  If you do go tonight, remember to be safe and have fun. Be a good example to the other kids and make lots of memories, okay?"
Ryan: (blushing) "Okay."

(same conversation with Kaylin)

Mike: "Time for bed, guys."
Kaylin: "Daddy, will you come with us?"
Mike: "No, honey.  Remember in the movie?  The parents slept through the whole thing."
Kaylin: "Oh. Okay.  G'night."

I couldn't make this up if I tried. 

We have never had a conversation like this in our house before.  Mike and I generally aren't  the parents who go along with the fairy tale.  But tonight?  Both of us were in the mood to roll with it.

My kids love the magic behind Christmas.  And to think that I considered telling Ryan about Santa this year...?  I would have crushed him to the core.  He's already frustrated that I don't do The Elf on the Shelf.  Oh yes, I told him he's not real.  Don't worry...he knows to keep the secret.  But his friends are so convinced that he actually asked me if I'd move our elf around into fun, new places every morning, "...just like Jake and Joe and Lexi's moms do..." (For a reminder about why we chose not to do The Elf, see this post from last year...I still laugh every time I think about it.)

He's so not ready for the truth.  If Jack Nicholson were here, he'd tell me that Ryan can't handle the truth.  This kid is going to believe long after it's normal and healthy for a child to believe.

Just like his mama did.

It's the Little Things

Yes, I just posted a picture of my family sitting in the van, shoving burgers into our mouths.  But you have to hear the story...

The chicken pox have had us cooped up in the house for almost three weeks now.  We don't go out to eat ALL that often, but it feels like ages since we've all been out to eat togehter.

So when we were swimming yesterday at 5:30, wondering what we'd have for dinner (with nothing planned because before the chicken pox arrived, we had plans to go to a friends' house for dinner) - Mike had an idea.  He suggested we go to In 'n' Out Burger and bring it home. 

Then I took it a step further.

We don't have an In 'n' Out very close to our house, so we all got into our PJs, piled into the car, went through the drive thru, and asked for separate "eat in the car" boxes for everyone.  Then we proceeded to sit in the parking lot to eat our dinner as a family. THIS is how you take your kids out to eat when their temporary appearance causes a public panic.

Jason eating his french fries.

For most families, this isn't a really big deal.  If we were on a road trip, this wouldn't have been a big deal.  But we don't normally eat in the car. We don't normally eat fast food.  And we certainly don't ever sit in the parking lot in our PJs to eat!

The kids thought this was the greatest thing ever.  And they're already asking when we're going to get to do this again.

Like I said, sometimes it's the little things!

On my mind this week: Homeschooling

Not to open a controversial can of worms or anything, but homeschooling has been on the forefront of my mind in the last couple of weeks.  A series of unrelated, perfectly timed events brought me to a daily discussion with God about whether or not I would homeschool my kids in the fall.

I've always been very open to the idea of homeschooling.  Arizona is ranked 49th in the country for education.  49 out of 50 states.  That in and of itself is a scary thought! Everyone has their thoughts and opinions on the topic, so I'm not trying to bring about a debate, but since Ryan was little, homeschooling has never been far from my mind.

Things are going well for Ryan in school right now.  His teacher is great, his school is fine, he isn't having social issues or learning setbacks or behavioral problems...things with him are fine. Not to mention the fact that Kaylin is out-of-her-mind excited at the prospect of going to school with Ryan next year.  Big girl Kindergarten, riding the bus, homework that needs to be turned in...August can't come fast enough for her.

So why consider homeschooling, right?

My biggest issue is how Ryan and Kaylin get along during the school week. Ryan seems a bit disconnected from his sister after being away all day with bigger kids (complete with attitudes that aren't acceptable in our family, but that's for another rant). Kaylin then becomes unnecessarily competitive with him, which translates into her being bossy and controlling. She acts out to get his attention, which annoys him after being with a more mature crowd for several hours.  And so the afternoon power struggles begin. 

I notice a substantial difference in their sibling rivalry during breaks from school; Christmas, Spring Break and especially during the summer and even on the weekends.  Best friends.  They play well together, cooperate, use manners, are kind and loving...they are the ideal team.

I want these qualities in my children.  I want them to have the one-on-one attention they deserve in a learning environment without the traditional classroom distractions when the teacher, pulled in many directions, is forced to redirect/refocus child after child.  I love the idea that most homeschool moms have "school" from 8-noon, then they're done with classroom learning for the day.  I love that every homeschooled child I know read far beyond their grade level and that many are able to graduate early. I love that they have the kind of family unity that I strive for in my family.  The children are mature, self-disciplined, confident, and they don't hesitate to try to make new friends on the playground because they're clueless about cliques, bullies and "mean girls."

While I prayed and waited for a genuine peace about whether to homeschool or not, I made a decision: I would research homeschool curriculum and work with the kids each morning this summer.  We could see how it goes for a few months and get a true picture of what the school year would look like once the new school year began.  I felt good about that for the time being.

One major issue that concerns me about school (public, private, charter or Christian alike) is the exposure to topics, ideas, and words that are far beyond my child's years.  While I was knee-deep in this decision making process last week, my neighbor friend called me and started the conversation with, "Wanna hear reason #499 to homeschool?"  Her 2nd grader came home and asked what "gizz" is.  Yes he did.

The story went like this: a 5th grader on the bus wiped something on the 2nd grader's shirt.  I'm not sure exactly how he reacted, but he's a bit of a germ-o-phobic, so he didn't like it.  The older boy said, "Oh relax!  It's germ killer, not gizz."  My friend's son asked, "What's gizz?" and a different older boy replied, "It's what you need to get a Mexican girl pregnant."

This situation is disturbing on so. many. levels.  These boys are in our neighborhood.  In fact, they ride Ryan's bus.  Not only are they discussing bodily fluids, they're making racial remarks that are beyond inappropriate.  I'm still so bothered by this whole thing.  My neighbor friend actually decided to pick her son up from school for the rest of the year (all 6 weeks of it) to avoid further conversations with these kids.  (FYI, she handled the situation really well.  Later that evening, when he asked her again about gizz, she said, "It's kind of like mucus," which thoroughly disgusted him, sending him racing to the bathroom to scrub up.)

I was obviously further convinced that I wanted to rip Ryan out of school to keep him home with me, protected in a little bubble for the rest of time.

But that's not really why I want to homeschool.  Yes, I want him to stay young and unexposed to the nastiness of the world as long as possible.  However, my issue truly is more with his heart attitude toward his sister, our family, and others.

Then one afternoon, while praying about whether to homeschool (again), it hit me.  I shouldn't be praying about whether or not to homeschool, I should be praying about wisdom and guidance in how to respond to situations and behavior issues as they arise.  THAT is my concern, not necessarily all of the issues involved with my kids' education.

Immediately, I felt a sigh of relief.  I've restructured my pleas with God and am starting to sense that it's not time for our family to homeschool.  Yet.  I might change my mind in one year or three years or nine years, but for now, we're sticking with our local, public school.  I may still consider some sort of homeschooling curriculum this summer to give us some structure and continue the kids' education...we'll see.  And I'm seriously considering scrapping the gas-saving, all-too-convenient bus option altogether. Ugh...driving to and from school every day seriously makes  me cringe, but the bored, cocky older kids on the bus may be more real-world exposure than I'm ready for my kids to be around right now.  Again, we'll see.

So that's what's been on my mind recently.  When it comes to my kids, these kinds of major/minor issues are enough to keep me up at night!  But for now, I'm at peace with sticking to what we're doing.

And I cannot wait for the summer break, when I can deprogram my kids and get them back to normal for a few months! 

Humility, Encouragement and Self Control

As much as I've enjoyed teaching our kids a variety of Godly character traits each morning, I finally realized that we need to concentrate on a few specific characteristics before moving on to the others. 

Last week, I was at my breaking point with two fighting, over-emotional kids and didn't know how to fix it.  After a day or two of analyzing what the underlying issues were, I decided to start each day reminding the kids to focus on humility, encouragement and controlling their emotions.

I'm done with the whining, complaining and arguing. 

I'm done with my kids correcting each other to feel better about themselves (or potentially make the other feel stupid).

I'm done asking, "Who's in charge?" when the kids try to be bossy or tell each other what to do and how to do it. (by the way, they always answer that question by saying me or Mike, NOT them)

I'm done with the fact that my kids think the world should revolve around them. 

I'm done seeing my kids desperately struggling with, "ME ME ME...what about MEEEEEE!??!" Their actions scream, "Don't forget about ME and what I WANT and what I NEED to do or say RIGHT NOW or I might explode!!!"

I'm done rearranging the dinner table to reduce disagreements about "you sat by Daddy last night so it's my turn." 

I'm done.

(This picture was taken before I realized that Ryan was waiting patiently for Jason to start going on his quad so he could cause a "traffic accident" with the Cozy Coupe.  Why are boys so rough!!!)

When the kids whine, complain or argue, I'm in the habit of stopping everything to help them focus on controlling their emotions in that moment.  I either take a few deep breaths with them, help them to use their words or send them to the playroom to cool down for a minute.  If necessary, I send both kids to their rooms, reminding them that "if they can't play nicely together, they can't play together at all."  That usually nips it in the bud for the rest of the day.

When the kids correct each other or attempt to boss each other around, I ask if what they are saying is encouraging or discouraging to their sibling.  They're finally beginning to understand the difference, and if they can't distinguish at the time, I make a suggestion of something they can say instead.

When I begin to sense the "what about me?" attitude, I explain the concept of humility. Philippians 2:3 was one of our memory verses this summer: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."

And we are reinstituting the loss of a privilege if the kids can't live with, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." Last week, Ryan had a meltdown that he had to sit in the way back of the van because he was at school, "...and Kaylin probably sat in the front whenever she wanted all day."  So instead of letting them switch seats on the way home (that's how I usually solve that issue), he had to sit in the back for the rest of the day.  Tantrums don't bring positive results!

It's helpful to have certain areas to spend my time and energy instead of picking every battle in a panic that I'm going to somehow completely screw up my kids forever by not dealing with this one issue right...this...minute.  I'm already seeing huge improvements in their attitudes and in the tension level in the house.  Praying it continues until these situations are but a distant memory... (HA!  That actually made me laugh out loud.)

The Definition of Obedience

I often talk about things that I'm working on with the kids...habits we're trying to break, new habits we're helping them get into, rules we want them to follow, character traits we want to see them develop...my list is always growing. But it was brought to my attention this weekend that I need to stop every area of focus until we get one issue under control.

OBEDIENCE.

I recently read an excellent, very basic definition of obedience from the writers at Biblical Parenting. It was simply stated, "doing what someone says, right away, without being reminded."

First time obedience is very important to me and Mike, yet all of our efforts to get consistent results from our kids seem to eventually fail.

I want to raise children who respect authority (parents, friends' parents, babysitters, teachers, future employers) and as it is now, they pick and choose when they respond to adults in obedience.

And I believe this is 100% our fault.
(Disclaimer: If your children don't listen to your instructions the first time, don't read into this post as me blaming you for their behavior. I am strictly talking about me and my household. I'm not judging others and how they raise their children, I'm just ready to fix my own family.)
My kids are not naturally compliant. Ryan likes to have an element of control in his life and that often involves negotiating the how, what, when or why of what he is told to do. And Kaylin is quickly learning this art of disagreeing and negotiating.

I just remembered a post I wrote this time last year about encouraging disobedience. Hmmm...this topic is coming up annually at the beginning of each school year, isn't it? Likely because their teacher is a new authority figure and I want my kids to listen and obey in school without arguing or bad attitudes.

I digress. So what am I going to do about it?

I've developed a zero-tolerance policy regarding disobedience.
Several times in the last few days, I have reminded the kids of this new definition of obedience. (FYI: I added "with a happy heart") I have them repeat each section of the definition after me, "Obedience is...doing what you're told...right away...with a happy heart...without being reminded."

I am thrilled (and, quite honestly, shocked) to report that my kids have been completely transformed.

The expectation is that when I ask them to do something, they do it immediately without arguing or negotiating. Period.
First time obedience has been on the forefront of my mind every time I make a request this week. There are a few reasons that I think this is suddenly working for us.

1. I remind the kids of this new definition every morning and a few times during the day.

2. When I make a request, I expect them to drop whatever they are doing and comply.

3. If they don't respond immediately, they get a warning (I calmly repeat the definition of obedience, making every effort to stay unemotional), then if they still don't comply, there is a consistent consequence (again, unemotionally and confidently, they are sent to their room for 6 minutes {Ryan} or 4 minutes {Kaylin} and I increase the time by one minute each time they refuse, whine, pout or throw a fit), then after the consequence, they are still expected to do what I originally told them to do. If they don't, I repeat this step until they do what they're told.

4. When they complete the task, I give them lots of kudos. (I think in the past, I was so relieved they did what they were told without arguing that I overlooked this part)

5. When they cheerfully obey, right away, without arguing or needing to be reminded, they are rewarded. (sometimes tangibly, but more often I simply make a big deal about it in front of others, telling them how proud I am, hugs, praise, etc.)

I truly believe that the key factor in Ryan and Kaylin doing what their told is me. Kids will always try to push the boundaries, but when adults consistently hold their ground, compliance is inevitable. It's the bottom line in reality parenting shows like Super Nanny and World's Strictest Parents. Not to mention institutions that require immediate obedience like the military. If Ryan ever enlists in the military, this obedience training will save him tons of reprimands and hundreds of push ups!

Now if I could just keep this up for the long term, my kids will be angels. (I think I can...I think I can...)

#92 - Let the kids make most of the decisions for an entire day

Somehow, this item on my 101 Goals in 1001 Days list turned into "Let the kids be in charge for an entire day." And today was that day...

When planning our meals on Friday, Ryan suggested brownies for breakfast. Kaylin quickly piped in, "OOOH! And I want ice cream for breakfast!" I decided it might be a good idea to set some boundaries. Breakfast food for breakfast, lunch food for lunch, dinner food for dinner. Also, the kids had to follow all of our House Rules, plus Mike and I were in charge of everything "safety" related. (cooking, picking up Jason, an adult had to be present for them to swim or ride bikes in the front yard, things like that)

For breakfast, Ryan requested crepes, but Mike talked him into wanting apple fritters, too. I passive-aggressively made some eggs and (thankfully!) everyone ate those to balance the sugar/carb overload.


Jason enjoyed a breakfast of mangos and his first kiwi.


With no one to stop her, Kaylin licked the icing off the fritter plate. Shortly after this picture was taken, the plate mysteriously disappeared into the sink and was rinsed off...


The kids took a mid-breakfast break to watch some t.v. before finishing their food. They also took a post-breakfast t.v. break. And pre-lunch...the t.v. was pretty much on all morning. (This is Kaylin dancing to the "we did it" song at the end of Dora.)


After a while, the kids took a break to color.


Then Kaylin asked if she could do her "homework" workbook. (I just realized her tongue is out in this picture...classic!)


After lunch, everyone swam.


After that, Jason went down for a nap and I snuck back into bed myself. I felt like I'd been drugged...I was so tired! After dragging myself out of bed two hours later, the rest of the (cool and breezy) afternoon consisted of riding bikes out front and swinging in the backyard. (While I was sleeping, it appears that Kaylin had a wardrobe change.)


This morning, Ryan asked if we could teach him to cook dinner, so the kids helped Mike make up hamburger patties and wrap the potatoes in foil. They lost interest by the time we were ready to prepare the corn on the cob.


While Mike grilled dinner, Kaylin played with her new-to-her, hand-me-down Princess laptop.


And the boys played soccer in the backyard. (By the way, to save face for my poor, former soccer playing husband, this was Mike missing a shot Ryan made into his goal, not Mike missing a ball that he attempted to kick.)


Jason basically spent the whole day playing on the floor and practicing his crawling stance, oblivious to the chaos happening around him.


We finished off the night with another swim, then ate black bean brownies with ice cream. (Kaylin helped me bake while Ryan played the Wii. Again.)


This day exhausted me. Because of the excessive t.v. watching, I was able to clean the whole house, do three loads of laundry and even rearrange and sweep the garage.

But as far as the little things (like clearing the table and picking up toys), I didn't realize how I've gotten SO used to the kids helping me all day! Today, I asked nothing of them.

After a cocktail (a rare treat for me, I prefer chewing my calories) and a long bubble bath, I am enjoying a quiet house as I recap our day. I will definitely do this experiment again, but probably not until next summer. Maybe it could be an annual end-of-the-summer tradition?

It was interesting to see how our teachings from 364 days of the year translated when the kids had (nearly) full decision making power. I had to remind Mike to "let go" several times today (too much honey on the crepes, no end in sight for the t.v.) but I really enjoyed having a day off from being the "No Nazi." (I just came up with that and it's exactly how I feel some days!!!)

Overheard in our house today...

Kaylin (with a sly smile): "After breakfast, Mommy and Daddy, YOU need to unload the DISHWASHER!"
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(The kids were arguing over who was going to sit next to Daddy during breakfast. Kaylin suggested he sit in the middle of them, Ryan was standing firm that he needed to only sit by Ryan.)
Mike (to Ryan): "Good leaders try to find ways to make everyone happy. It doesn't always work, but they try. Bad leaders try to take control and they don't care about other people. They are called, 'Dictators.' "
Me: (cracking up)
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Kaylin: "Daddy, you can have two donuts (apple fritters), then if you finish those, you can have another one."
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(Jason screaming for attention)
Mike: "Jason - NO screaming."
Ryan: "You can't say, 'no,' Daddy. You're not in charge today."
Me: "Who is the person in charge who's going to go give Jason some new toys so he stops screaming?"
Ryan: "I AM!!! I'm in charge of Jason today."
Kaylin: "Ryan, if Jason screams again, just tap him on the nose and say, 'No!'"
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Ryan: "We don't have to ask to be excused from the table today because we're in charge!"
Kaylin: "Yeah, THAT'S the rule!"
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Ryan: "After breakfast, we're going to ask Morgan to play. Because we can."
Kaylin: "Ha!"
Ryan: "You can't say, 'ha,' Kaylin. That's rubbing it in the face."
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Ryan: "Morgan, do you want to play the Wii?"
Morgan (whispering): "Shouldn't you ask your mom?" (she knows I usually say, "no" and suggest they play something creative)
Ryan: "Nope! I don't have to...I'm in charge today! What do you want to play?"
Morgan: (glances at me, I smile)
Morgan: "I don't care, what do you want to play?"
Ryan: "You get to choose. You're the guest."
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Ryan: "Mom, can you teach me how to make dinner tonight?"
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Kaylin: "Mom, can you teach me how to do braids in my hair all by myself? OOH!! And can you teach me how to drive?!?!"
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Ryan (coming into our bathroom before bed): "Dad, where's Mom?"
Me (from the bathtub): "Behind you."
Ryan (whipping around): "What?!!? Why are YOOOOOUUUU taking a BAAAAAATH?!?"
Me: "Because it's been that kind of a day, buddy."
Ryan: "And how come you get all of those bubbles? You'd better be careful and not burn your toes on those candles...maybe you should put your feet back in the water. Can I have a kiss before bed?"
(*kiss*)
Ryan (thinking): "One more?"
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(my favorite memory of the day)
Ryan: "Mom? What's the sign for 'love?' "
Me: "This..." (crossing my arms over my chest in an X)
Ryan: (pointed to himself, crossed his arms, then pointed to me)
Me: "I love you too, buddy..."

Our first pet(s)

We gave Ryan a fish bowl for his birthday with the promise of a trip to the pet store.

Tonight, we went to the pet store after dinner. Ryan looked and looked and looked...


...and decided on a frog.


We were told that frogs live well with beta fish, so Kaylin left the store with a fish of her own.


Please give a warm blogosphere welcome to Kelly the fish and Billy the frog.


The frog grosses me out almost as badly as the dried blood worms we bought to feed it. Blech. I mean...YEA! Pets!!!

Teaching Children Self-Control

I'm recovering from a rough afternoon. The day started great...things were so quiet with Ryan back at Kindergarten. Kaylin colored, the baby cooed, I did a light workout on the Wii that we got for Christmas, I even ran to the grocery store before our play date with Kaylin's school friends at 10:30. All was well with the world.
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Until Ryan got home. Now, this is not all his fault, but going back to school after two weeks off meant there was some deprogramming that needed to happen when he got home. Same house, same rules. I also should mention that I took a dead-to-the-world nap for 30 minutes and woke up at 3:01, just moments before Ryan walked in the door from the bus stop. So yes, I was a little groggy and wasn't quite ready for his after school energy.
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I should also mention that (in an effort to keep my mom sane this weekend while she takes on the daily marathon of caring for my three children) I've been trying to "help" Jason fall asleep on his own without his pacifier. I put him to sleep with it, but if he spits it out or wakes up fussy, I don't put it back in his mouth like I was doing previously. Because what I've realized is that he can already go all night without food. He hasn't had a middle of the night feeding in over a week. That's the good news. But when he does wake up and cry, I've been getting up at 3am, 5am, whenever, and popping the pacifier back in his mouth so he can drift blissfully back off to sleep. I don't want my mom to have to do that. Waking up refreshed each day is going to be essential to her surviving this little adventure she agreed to take this weekend.
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I know not everyone agrees with the "cry it out" method, so I'm not trying to open up a debate here. Believe me...I hate it. I HATE this process. Hate. It. Ryan and Kaylin took a miserable two days of crying it out before I saw the fruits of my torture. And if I hadn't have seen progress at just that moment, I would have given up. I can't handle crying for any length of time. Pure. Torture. Especially when it's your own child!!! But I know the benefits: putting a sleepy, yet fully alert, infant in their crib to fall asleep on their own is incredibly freeing. Jason is now on day three of crying himself to sleep and I don't know if I can take this anymore. He's exhausted. I'm emotionally drained. And I'm so sick of hearing everyone ask, "Are you sure he's not hungry?"
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Okay, that was a tangent I was not expecting to take. Sorry! And please don't yell at me in the comments about what a horrible mother I am for letting my babies cry themselves to sleep for a few days of their lives. I can't handle criticism at this point in the process!
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Back to the point of my post. I am bound and determined to teach my kids self control. They (specifically Ryan right now) have a really hard time with certain boundaries and I'm suddenly more aware of the excessive complaining. It might be new, but I honestly think I might be finally realizing that they express their displeasure a little too often. So I'm ready to work on their heart attitudes.
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For instance, they decline real food but will whine that they're hungry and want a snack or sweet treat. I'm big on eating meals at mealtime and not grazing all day, so I'll remind them that the next meal is at X:00 and if they're hungry early, I'll serve them now. The newest one is "I'm bored." That showed up yesterday. It began as, "I'm lonely, will someone play with me?" and it turned into "I'm bored" yesterday when Ryan lost privileges to the Wii for a few days. THIS is why I'm so anti-technology. Somehow, Ryan has forgotten how to entertain himself now that he's experienced the wonderment that is the Wii. Which is the newest string of never ending questions, by the way. "Can I play the Wii? What about now? Now, Mommy? Can I play it now?" It's as bad as, "Are we there yet?" over and over in the car.

How hilarious is this picture? Kaylin was literally cheering the guys on as they played Wii boxing last week.

I'm so sick of the complaining. I want to raise children with a grateful heart and an attitude of contentment. I completely see how this correlates to teaching self-control. Just because you're bored, doesn't mean you need to say it out loud. Find something to do, get creative, be content with ideas presented. If you're truly hungry, an early dinner should sound delicious. No need to beg for a snack or another alternative or my new favorite, "I'm hungry for a Hershey's Kiss." Uh huh, sure you are.
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I recently read up on teaching your child self-control and found this site that offers age-by-age suggestions. I was specifically looking for ideas on how to get Kaylin to stop screaming when she's upset at Ryan. "Kaylin, no screaming," "inside voice, please" and "use your words" are mantras around here. Anyway, this bit of the website caught my attention:

By learning self-control, kids can make appropriate decisions and respond to stressful situations in ways that can yield positive outcomes. For example, if you say that you're not serving ice cream until after dinner, your child may cry, plead, or even scream in the hopes that you will give in. But with self-control, your child can understand that a temper tantrum means you'll take away the ice cream for good and that it's wiser to wait patiently.

I've mentioned this before, but my "no" always means "no." Yes means yes, no means no and maybe usually means no. And if I say, "not now" or "maybe later," and they continue to pout, I take away the privilege altogether. I'm not a fun mom when it comes to that stuff! I don't give in with whining and begging, so it always shocks me that my kids (especially Ryan after FIVE years) still continue to plead for me to change my mind. Granted, Ryan's five. Kaylin's only three. I know that they're still little, but I'm so over the argumentativeness. (wow, that's a long word) I'm ready for agreeable children. Again...CONTENT children. It's so important to me.
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I feel like I'm doing my part. I'm a fairly consistent parent, sometimes to a fault. I usually take time during teachable moments and explain how they should properly respond. I try to set the example of what contentedness and gratefulness look like. I point it out in others. I gently remind them, "the answer is no, don't ask again," when I see the injustice in their eyes.
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Typing this all out is making me realize that I'm hoping for too much from them at this age. They're BOTH just so...stinkin'...persistent. It's enough to drive me crazy!
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And today, day three of my cry-it-out battle with the baby, I am emotionally exhausted from it all. But I think I'm still going to choose this area to work on this week. Somehow, they've established the bad habit of complaining and I'm done listening to it. That's really what it is: a habit that needs to be broken and redirected.
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I'm open to hearing wisdom from the other parents out there. What's worked for you?

On Donner, On Dasher...

After Ryan asked me for some rope this afternoon, I started wondering what the kids were doing in the backyard. (all of the blinds and curtains were closed because the back of our house faces west and the sun is brutal that time of day) He settled for using his Spiderman costume for "rope." When I looked outside to see what was going on, this is what I saw.

And what I heard was, "On Donner, On Dancer, On Prancer and Vixen, On Comet, On Cupid, On Donner and Blitzen!" I got a little of it on video, including Ryan showing me how reindeer fly...