After 5 Years, Ryan GETS IT

This summer, we took about 5 weeks off of school. Kaylin and Ryan went to camp, we went to San Diego as a family, we had Ryan's birthday party, I spent some time regrouping for the new year at the Arizona Homeschool Convention, the kids enjoyed the break.

Even though most of the local school districts don't start school until next week, we began a couple of weeks ago. Which is tough when the rest of the kids are still playing video games all day long! But I muddled through the groaning and we are well on our way to getting back into our daily school routine.

The first week back was rough...really rough. Last week was a little better, then I heard a comment last night that I would have never expected in a million years. But first, some background...

We began homeschooling almost 5 years ago. Ryan (now 12) remembers school well and Kaylin (turning 10) went to Kindergarten so, of course, she remembers school very fondly. (recess, crafts and play time - YAY!!!)

Sporadically over the past 5 years, one kid or another will start grumbling about going back to school. I explain that we are homeschooling because it's what I feel God has called our family to do, they continue to make random comments, then the negativity fizzles for a time. Then another kid starts. It has seemed never ending!!!

This peaked last year when I had a very surprise pregnancy, followed by an even more surprising miscarriage. When I announced my pregnancy, my kids secretly decided that I would be stretched too thin with the new baby and that I'd probably send them to school. (I just learned about this misconception last month) So after healing from the miscarriage, my kids started in with major waves of discontentment with HSing. Again. It was maddening!

All this to say that last night, out of the blue, Ryan (who has given me the most grief about going back to school) told me that he thinks that if he went to middle school, he'd be miserable and want to return to homeschooling. I dug a little deeper and he explained that he is starting to realize how flexible our schedule is because of homeschooling, that he can do several lessons early in the day/week to have more free time later, that our schoolwork only takes a few hours each day vs. his friends who spend 6-7 hours in a physical school building then come home with homework. He is finally, FINALLY grateful that we homeschool.

I almost cried. I was not expecting to ever hear these words from this kid! Especially at this age when hormones are raging and his thoughts are so...opinionated. 

This conversation is going to linger with me for a very long time. Homeschooling can be so emotionally draining, then to realize that no one even appreciates the hard work makes it even more tough! THIS IS SO WORTH IT! And I truly believe this is right where God wants us to be. 

Today, I am on Cloud 9.

Time to Go Private?

Last week, I got an odd comment (which I promptly deleted), followed by a horribly vulgar comment yesterday about Kaylin. I flipped out and immediately changed the settings of my blogs to private. For years, I have been under the naive notion that only people like me read my blog. Because who cares about my mundane life other than moms like me?

I am sad to make my blog private, because I have really enjoyed writing to strangers over the years about mom things: cooking, baking, healthy living, organizing, party ideas, and small glimpses into our life.

But it's time to transition away from sharing on the world wide web. There are just too many crazies out there!

The only picture I would allow Ryan to upload to his FitBit profile. Something in me was cautious last week and today, it slapped me in the face and shook me to my core.

Staying Content as a Family of Five

Sad news…I'm no longer pregnant. As excited as we were about adding another sibling to our home, this one was not in God's plan. Our biggest prayer was for the health of the baby, and (although this was definitely not what we were hoping for) we truly believe that God answered our prayer.

It's been more than a week and my heart is healing. To be honest, I was sad the day that I went to the ER and found out there was no heartbeat in the ultrasound, but the next day I was feeling better, the cramping had stopped, and I thought I was doing well. 

The most annoying reminder has been my knee: the night I went to the ER, I passed out in my bathroom and fell into a crumpled heap onto the floor, landing wrong and twisting my knee. It still hurts to straighten it and I have to limp after sitting for an extended period of time. I'm hoping it will just go away.

I had publicly announced this pregnancy on Facebook (by posting the video of when I told the kids…which was hilarious) so I had to publicly UNannounce the news. It was the fastest way to avoid running into people around town and have them ask me how I'm feeling, if we know what we're having, etc.

The outpouring of more than 300 comments, dozens of private messages and texts, flowers, Edible Arrangement fruit bouquets, sympathy cards, and meals from neighbors…it was all quite unexpected. The love and empathy I felt was absolutely overwhelming. Reading through the comments, hearing about others' personal experiences with miscarriages (I even learned that one friend lost twins at 22 weeks) - it was all very emotional. I was a wreck for the better part of two days. 

Jason's sweet comments didn't help. At least once daily I heard things like: 

(while hugging my stomach) "Good bye, Baby! I can't wait to meet you in heaven someday!"

"Mom, I wish we were still having a baby."

"I really wanted to be a big brother."

"That little baby is so cute, Mom!  I said I wanted a baby brother, but I kind of also wanted a baby sister."

He even randomly walks up and kisses my stomach, then walks away. It's really sweet.

One night, I was praying with him at bedtime and instead of holding his hands, for some reason I pulled him in for a hug. I was praying about the baby and he started hugging me really tight. I lost it. He pulled back to see why I stopped praying and said, "Are you crying because your heart is broken about the baby? If you don't want to cry, you probably shouldn't talk about the baby."

A few days ago, my OB/GYN called to say that my blood work had come back and my levels were still showing that I was pregnant. I had a little glimmer of hope that maybe there was a mistake and I hadn't miscarried…? After all, my doctor's office was taking the word of the ER doctor, but hadn't actually seen any of the paperwork. They had me come in the next day for another ultrasound and, sure enough, there was nothing there. 

As I was going back out to the waiting room, the ultrasound tech sweetly said, "I'm so sorry for your loss," and my eyes filled with tears. And they wouldn't stop. I just sat in the waiting room, unable to stop crying while a dozen or more pregnant women stared at me. 

That day was the last of my hard days. Physically, my body is still healing, but I'm finally recovering, emotionally. It wasn't this difficult with my first miscarriage 12 years ago. 

One Facebook friend commented on my un-announcement saying, "We've had four miscarriages and it never gets any easier. I'll bet my kids are showing yours around in heaven!" That visual has made me smile every time I think about it.

Mom and Me Journal Idea

Recently, I have been looking for ideas for connecting with Kaylin in a special way. I want to make meaningful memories with her while she still thinks I'm cool, which might not be much longer.

A few weeks ago, I set aside some time for the two of us to do a self-esteem craft activity together. It was awesome!  My amazing, creative girl had no problem at all coming up with compliments for me, but when she was supposed to make a list of all of her best qualities, she was stumped. It was really interesting to work through that struggle with her. I strongly recommend that project to moms of tweens!

Then last week, I was poking around on Pinterest and found this gem. The idea is for a Mom and Me Journal…a private communication between a mom and child about anything and everything. Since I was always big into journalling, and I obviously love to blog, I fell in love with this idea. 

I stole the verbiage for the opening letter from the original link, then gave it to Kaylin and she lit up. She's already written me back about a friend-triangle situation that she doesn't know how to handle. I wasn't expecting so much depth so quickly!  

At the end of her note, she asked me not to share the journal with Dad or the boys…it's going to be just between us. She told me she wants to keep it in her keepsake box when it's full of letters so she can show her kids someday. She is SO my child.

I can't wait to see where this little project leads. Kaylin is my quietest child, by far…I can only imagine what that could turn into during her teen years. I hope we never get to a place where I have no idea what's going on in her head!  

I'm wondering if I should also start something like this with Ryan? But I get the sense that this is a huge deal to my sweet middle-child. 

I think I'll keep it just between us girls. 

Getting Settled Back Into our Same Ol' House

To say that we got a lot done this weekend is a massive understatement. We had virtually nothing planned for the 3-day holiday weekend and I was thrilled. Equally relieved to have a little downtime and excited to tackle some projects around the house.

Over the past few months, as our potential cross-country move lingered in the air, the to-do list grew and grew. After Christmas, I spent so much time decluttering to prepare the house to be on the market, all other tasks fell by the wayside. It just seemed silly to organize anything, when I knew I would just be packing it up and moving as soon as the house sold, so closets and cabinets slowly turned into one disaster after another.

The garage was so crammed with empty boxes (and some that I'd already started packing) that Mike has had to park outside for months. It became our dumping ground for keeping the house realtor-ready and it was a nightmare! 

Since taking the house off the market, the empty boxes are gone, but I still hadn't unpacked anything. Until this weekend, that is. I suddenly had to make space for things that I've been doing without…beach towels, 3 large boxes of personal pictures, board games, etc.

I started this weekend with a very long list of things in my head. Tasks that seemed daunting, but I wanted them done. I figured that if we had gone through with the move to Dallas, we would have had pictures to hang, curtains to put up, furniture to arrange, closets to organize, and plenty of boxes to unpack. 

We are no longer moving, so finishing up the loose-ends around the house seemed doable. We needed to settle back into our home again. 

Saturday morning, I went to breakfast with some friends while Mike played baseball at the park with the kids. We relaxed when I came home, then I started asking favors. "Let's move Jason's bed into his new room" and "I wonder how long it would take to fix Ryan's dresser drawer?" Before long, Ryan and Mike were working upstairs while I tackled tasks downstairs. 

After church on Sunday, we went to Lowe's with a list. Jason awoke at 5:30am with the rising sun in his new yellow room. He desperately needed shades on his windows!  And while we were there, I wanted to gram rods to hang my bathroom curtains…and the laundry room lightbulb was out…as were lights in other parts of the house…and Kaylin wants to paint her room…we were there for more than an hour. When we got home, we had plenty to keep us busy! Then the projects continued today. 

Here are a few before and after pictures of work we did…

Before: The old playroom (new schoolroom) closet

After: The new schoolroom closet

Before: The shoe/utility/outdoor closet 

After: Some shoes still on the door (moved the rest to their bedrooms) and games/hobbies/crafts

Before: The upstairs schoolroom

Afte: Jason's new room (the lighting in both pictures is horrible!)

Before: The old schoolroom closet (it had become a hiding space for junk when people were coming to see the house)

After: Jason's new closet

We got so much done this weekend! The garage is cleaner than it's ever been. We brought donations to Good Will, I made appointments for a guy to come fix my windshield next week and for someone else to give us a quote on new garage cabinets, Mike fixed a cabinet door that Jason's been using as a step stool, all of the boxed I had packed are now empty and given away. I still have many pictures yet to hang, but I'm considering completely changing how I have displayed pictures in the past…so that might take another couple of weeks.

Our weekend wasn't all work and no play. We went to the movies, went to lunch after church on Sunday, Mike played baseball and basketball with the kids, we played Go Fish and Memory and baked cookies, we had sleepovers with the kids complete with pillow fights. Kaylin even painted a canvas for her new room.

It was a full weekend…tons accomplished mixed with plenty of fun activities. We will finish up school this week and take the month of June off before jumping into our new school year after the 4th of July weekend. 

During our short break from school, I think we're going to repaint Kaylin's room and give her a bigger girl theme. I'll finish decorating Jason's new room, maybe hang some pictures in Ryan's room. I'll have plenty to keep me busy!

April Fool's Day Idea for Kids

I'm all set for April Fool's Day in the morning!

More fun pranks planned for later in the day. My kids will love it!

Jason's First Plane Ride

The kids have been ecstatic about flying to Hawaii for weeks. If they didn’t have Christmas to look forward to in the meantime, I might have gone crazy with the anticipation in our household. Jason had never been on a plane and Ryan hasn't flown since he was a year old.

I spent the early part of last week thinking of every last thing to pack. I tend to dread packing and my mom finally told me that it was because I always forgot something when I packed myself for summer camp every. single. year. And now I have anxiety about forgetting something obvious.

But not this trip! I had a backpack full of electronics (iPad, iPods, iPhones, my laptop for movies), DVDs, healthy snacks, unhealthy treats, baby wipes, and napkins. I even packed an empty grocery sack for trash on the plane...I seriously thought of everything! I had another backpack full of books, games, workbooks and Rainbow Loom materials for the big kids. I had a third backpack full of gift-wrapped trinkety toys and activities to keep Jason occupied. (my international world traveler friend swears by wrapping one Dollar Store item per hour of travel to keep kids entertained and to eliminate drama when something is dropped and rolls to the back of the plane or is left behind at the terminal.)

Yes, I totally used up my "Wedding Wishes" wrapping paper for our airplane gifts!

We were up and loading the car at 4:15am and standing in line to check our bags within the hour. I got up to the counter to be told that our 6:45am connection flight through L.A. has been cancelled. No. NOOOO!!!! We got in another long line (along with the gazillion other passengers who wanted to get to L.A. or Hawaii that morning) and somehow got on a direct flight that would only get us in 3 hours later than originally expected. The problem was that there were only three seats together and two of us would have to sit randomly in other parts of the plane. 

We decided to deal with that later, grabbed breakfast and settled in to our gate with just four hours to spare before our new flight departed.

At 10:45am, the attendants finally arrived at our gate. Mind you, we arrived at the airport 5.5 hours earlier...keeping the excited kids occupied while Mike and I were walking zombies was a joke. I explained to the staff person that we were told they could shuffle some single passengers since children can’t sit alone on a 6-7 hour flight. The man seemed uninterested in helping me, but somehow, by the grace of God, after I'd given up completely, it all worked out. Originally, he reassigned Mike and Ryan so they were sitting together only a few rows away from the rest of us, but when I shouted a “Thank you!” as I boarded the plane, he grabbed Mike and Ryan out of line and placed them in the row directly across from us. It pays to NOT be the squeaky wheel sometimes!

None of this has to do with my story except for the fact that Jason was asking every 15 minutes all morning, “Mo-om, can we get on the plane now?” I put him in the window seat. 

Jason: “Are we in the air yet?”

Me: "Do you see the sky below us?”

Jason: “No.”

Me: “Then no.”

(1 minute later...)

Jason: “Are we in the air yet?”

Me: Do you see the sky below us?”

Jason: “No.”

Me: “Then no.”

(imagine this conversation repeating 3-4 times...)

Jason: “When are we going to fly in the air?”

Me: “In about 8 minutes.”

(1 minute later...)

Jason: “Has it been 8 minutes yet?” 

Me: “No. It’s been 1 minute.”

Jason: “So there’s 7 minutes left?”

Me: (sigh) “Yup.”

(imagine this conversation repeating every minute for the next 7 minutes...)

Jason: “Why aren’t we in the air, Mom?”

Me: (veins are officially pulsing at my temples) “We’re probably in line with some other planes, waiting. Please be patient and stop asking.”

Jason: "Mom?"

Me: "Please. Stop. Asking. For real."

At some point in the next 10 minutes, we finally take off.

Jason: “Mom, I have to go potty.” 

Me: “You can't go potty, buddy. The seat belt light is still on and it’s pretty bumpy. I put you in a Pull Up just in case this happened...just pee in the Pull Up. I have another one for you to put on.”

(I’m not kidding when I say, I feel like I thought of everything!!!)

Jason: “No...I have to go POO.”

Me: “Oh.” (grabbing a nearby flight attendant) “Miss? When will the fasten seat belt light be turning off? My son has to go to the bathroom.”

Her: “Probably soon.”

Me: “Can we sneak in there real quick?”

Her: “Nope. You really must stay seated.”

Jason: (tearing up) “Mo-om! I really need to go NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry, honey. You’re going to have to hold it.”

Jason: (screaming now...at least it felt like it) “MOM!!! I have to go. NOW!!!”

Me: “You’re wearing a Pull Up, so if you need to go in your pants, we’ll just clean it up. It’s fine...just go.”

Jason: (sobbing now) “I CAN’T!!!”

After 5 minutes of him wailing, I grab a different flight attendant. 

Me: “Excuse me? My son is freaking out. He has to go to the bathroom immediately.” 

Her: (looking past me, at Jason, who is suddenly perfectly calm and playing on the iPad) “Sure - that’s fine,” like it’s not a big deal at all and a little suspicious of the drama I’m creating.

Mike jumps in at this point: “I need to go, too. I’ll take him.”

A few minutes later, I peek toward the restrooms and see Mike flagging me over.

Me: “What’s going on?” 

Mike: “He’s crying in the bathroom, asking for you. He won’t let me help him.”

I go into the bathroom to find Jason stark naked from the waste down. The toilet has poop both in and ON it, but it’s also down his leg and on the floor.

Jason: (sobbing) “Mommy! I pooped on my LEGS!”

Me: (somehow, still perfectly calm...probably because Jason is freaking out enough for the both of us) “It’s fine, sweetie! Let’s get you cleaned up.”

300 tissues, 225 paper towels and 3 flushes later, I peeked out of the bathroom and asked Mike to get me the package of baby wipes from one of the backpacks.

While he searched through every zipper pocket of every backpack, I bent over to see if the Pull Up was able to be saved. Not only was there poo on the edge of the Pull Up, there was poo all over the inside of Jason’s right pant leg. 

(It was at this point that I realized I had NOT thought of everything. Extra pants would have come in pretty handy about now.)

I used AT LEAST half of the brand new package of baby wipes trying to get the pants clean enough to put back on him. At this point, they’re soaked, but we have no other option.

When we get back to our seats, Jason asked if he could sit by Daddy. 

I thought that was a lovely idea! 

Poor Time Management

If I do say so myself, I have naturally awesome time management skills. Well, maybe not naturally...maybe I've learned to have great time management over the years, but regardless, I rock in this area.

Except not lately. Like at ALL. These last few weeks have left me overwhelmed and unfocused many hours of most days. And when I do have some free time, I find myself wanted to collapse into a pile of mental exhaustion from the day's activities, lacking any motivation or desire to cross anything off my to do list. 

This is all very unlike me. Very. What happened to my incredible ability to spin plates and wear different hats?

For some reason, I am feeling a lot of pressure lately. Pressure to get back into a good routine with our homeschooling. Pressure to declutter my house (seeing unnecessary crap...er, I mean, STUFF, in every corner is suddenly driving me insane). Pressure to stick to my recent commitment to eating right and doing the Bikini Body Mommy 90 day challenge. Pressure to keep my kids from destroying everything that I just tidied up five minutes ago. 

We've also had a lot of larger time-suckers taking over the schedule (eye doctor appointments, the allergist, hair cuts, not to mention preparing and packing for, then unpacking and doing laundry from, several trips and weekend getaways) - plus we've suddenly added football practice and Cub Scout meetings back into our weekly rotation. Is it horrible that I'm so grateful that no one signed up for our new weekly Bible study this semester? Having one more night filled with people just sounds...exhausting.

I'm probably going to be shunned from the mommy community for admitting this, but the worst part is (...brace yourself...) I have not been enjoying my kids lately. For some reason, their singing is driving me crazy. Their banter is driving me crazy. Asking simple questions, even legitimate ones about schoolwork, is driving me crazy. The whining and constant talking and "Mommy, Mom, HEY MOMMY..." is driving. me. crazy.

Yet it's funny how God has been dropping snippets of hope and encouragement into my life.

This past weekend, I found a blog post in my email about being a Mental Neat Freak. After reading it, I realized that I need to do a brain dump to "sort" all of the stuff floating around in my head. I am hoping to find the time to blog more often. 

On Monday, my daily devotional had this to say, "You will not find My Peace by engaging in excessive planning; attempting to control what will happen to you in the future. Just when you think you have prepared for all of the possibilities, something unexpected pops up and throws things into confusion." (don't I know it)

On Tuesday, this was in my in-box, "So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up. Galatians 6:9" (Promise?!?!?)

Then this morning, in a futile attempt to escape all that I should be doing, I cleared out my email in-box and found a blog post titled, "What about ME: On taking care of yourself as a homeschool mom." 

I almost cried while reading it. THIS is what I have been needing! ME TIME. I have felt selfishly guilty for escaping for some much needed daily mental and physical rest. My kids are around me all. day. long. Sometimes it feels like my day is one big run-on sentence. I speak and am spoken to constantly. Constantly. 

Jason is such a bundle of energy that I can barely see how quickly he is maturing. He's growing out of the...let's call it a...tough phase, that he's been in for more than two years. He no longer thrives on making waves or causing trouble. He can still be a challenge, but he is getting so much better. And I wish I was more appreciative.

Kaylin wants so desperately for her brothers to love and accept her, but generally gets caught in a wrestling match which ends in tears. It seems that she's drawn to me during my quiet moments when all I want is to be alone. Please, for the love of all that is good...I just want some space. Even as I type this, she's curled up on the bed next to me, forfeiting stories with Daddy to just lay near me before bedtime. And all I want to do is escape.

Then there's Ryan...my clone. He is so responsible and I feel that I've taken advantage of that recently. Soliciting him to help with extra chores or occupy Jason with a game of Duck, Duck, Goose because I just don't have it in me. 

I feel consistently torn between doing what I want to do and doing what I know I should be doing. I haven't felt this way since before Jason was born...back when Ryan was the one who was the handful. I'm just feeling so...smothered all of a sudden. On Monday, it was literally giving me anxiety. Mike came home from work early (which never happens) because he had a dentist appointment and I was giddy. I asked if I could go run errands alone then head to the gym. When he asked if I'd be willing to take one of the kids with me, I nearly cried. 

This is SO unlike me!!!

What's worse is that the more I want to be alone, the more the kids are attracted to me. It's a vicious cycle...like they can sense it. 

I need to get my time management under control. Letting all of this out has been helpful, but the practical side of me realizes that I need to sit down and block out chunks of time for school, work,  exercise, Mike, of course, and I can't forget ME TIME. Because I'm drowning without it. 

Whew! I feel a little better already. Time to snuggle with my girl.

Our first week back to school was...rough.

I love the beginning of a new school year. Crisp paper, fresh school supplies, sharp pencils, eager minds.

After our 5-week break from homeschooling, we were all starting to crave more routine in our lives. So on Monday of last week, we cleaned up the kitchen after breakfast and wandered up to the schoolroom at 8:30 sharp. Kaylin had spent Sunday resting and recovering from her raging fever Saturday night. She still wasn't 100%, but she was well enough to join us. 

I thought back to the first day of school in a traditional classroom. The teacher spends the whole first week acclimating to her new students and helping them get to know each other. They don't dive right into grammar or math facts, but instead everyone eases back in with "fun" types of learning. As much as I wanted to pick right back up where we left off in May, I restrained myself and took a different approach.

I welcomed the kids into the schoolroom individually, opening the door one at a time and asking, "Who's ready to start 4th grade...???" on down through Kaylin for 2nd and Jason for pre-school. Jason loved it so much, he asked if I can do it every day? I agreed to repeat this simple greeting every Monday morning until they're sick of it.

I began the day by reviewing our school rules and going over some goals for each of us. I explained our new curriculum and how our schedule will change a bit. Then we got into a short Bible lesson.

Getting through this brief introduction was torturous. Everyone was interrupting, everyone had an opinion, everyone was asking to add this or change that...I had absolutely no control of my tiny class. 

The rest of the day? It was a joke. At 11:30am, I texted my best friend: "Today is the epitome of why people say they could never homeschool." All three kids had been in sobbing tears at different points of the morning, I was stressed beyond belief, no one was cooperating with each other (or me)...it was a disaster.

Tuesday, I vowed, would be a better day. I was prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. It didn't take long for me to realize that Jason was acting funny. Not funny haha, funny...calm. Turned out he had a raging fever. I felt a little better knowing that on Monday, he was "off" because he was getting sick and Kaylin was off because she was getting over it. Maybe I'm not such a failure after all?

I plopped Jason in a bean bag chair with his best friend Cocoa and set out to continue educating the big kids. As the day wore on, I noticed my throat itching and my nose feeling stuffy. I popped some Ziacam and trudged on.

(this is not Cocoa's best angle)

Wednesday I woke up officially feeling sluggish and horribly congested. No fever, just a messed up nose, which is difficult to bear when you only have one free hand to use a tissue. I pulled out Mary Poppins and told the kids that while watching the movie, they were learning about music (which totally coincides with our lesson on the ear and paying attention) while I passed out on the couch. It still counts as "school" when the teacher falls asleep, right?

That night, Ryan complained of an upset stomach and hung out around the toilet, convinced he was going to be sick. Our family was falling apart...one person at a time!

By Thursday morning, everyone was better. No fevers, no nausea, my nose was even clearing up. We went to our weekly summer movie, then finished the school day strong. It seemed that things were falling back into place.

Until 2am, which was technically Friday morning. I woke up with severe stomach cramps, convinced I was hungry because I hadn't eaten much for dinner. After some almonds and a half a banana, I still couldn't fall back to sleep. I spent the next hour running back and forth to the bathroom, begging God to help me throw up because I was convinced I would feel better. Finally, for the first time in my life, I stuck my finger down my throat, as far as possible, and made myself vomit. I felt a little better, but was still in too much pain to sleep.

I finally nodded off around 5:30am...just in time for Mike to get up and go to the gym. As he rolled over to turn off his alarm, I grabbed his arm and asked him to call in sick to work so he could take care of me and the kids. He's never had to do that before, but thankfully, he was easily convinced.

My sweet husband then spent the next 10 hours being...me. Well, the old, two-handed version of me. He cooked, he cleaned, he served me meals in bed, he even followed my lesson plan and homeschooled the kids. I think he surprised us both! By 3:00, I was finally feeling better. 

So here we are on Monday and I am completely unmotivated to be productive. Which is a shame, because we have several social things on the calendar this week that require us to stay on task during our at-some school hours.

Here's hoping that everyone stays well for more than 24 hours! And that maybe I'll be more motivated to homeschool after lunch...?

#90 - Get a new kitchen table

A couple of weeks ago, Mike and I spent a hot date night shopping for a deal on a kitchen table. Don't be jealous...13 years and we still got it goin' on!!!

It was delivered last week and we love it! It's dark, pub height, has a fun lazy susan in the middle and storage underneath. Not to mention that the sides fold up to make it round and more accommodating for guests. 

Tonight after dinner (that my sweet friend brought us), Mike summoned the kids to attack the mess that we call a kitchen. He loaded the dishwasher, Ryan cleared the table, Kaylin wiped rice off the chairs (in her leotard from gymnastics and her crown from VBS today), and Jason vacuumed. If I wasn't so depressed about my broken wrist, I might have enjoyed watching them lazily! But I welled up with pride and took this picture, realizing I hadn't posted about our new table yet. May this one last 20 years, just like the last one! #90 is crossed off the 101 in 1001 list!

Stop Yelling by Minimizing Your "Triggers"

A few weeks ago, I was really down. Everyone was bugging me, Mike and the kids couldn't say or do anything right, and I felt really defeated because I genuinely didn't understand what was wrong with my attitude. It seemed like it was all everyone else's fault, until I realized that the common denominator was...me.

Looking back, I now realize that I was burned out and needed to take care of my own needs a little better.  But more obvious is that I was in a place of major discontentment. I have such a great life and I wasn't appreciating any of it! I want to feel joy around my children all day long, not just when I put them to bed at night in anticipation of having a break. I want to love them where they're at, annoyances and all. I don't want to wish away these younger years, but truly cherish the small moments tucked into each day.

As I approached the No Yelling Challenge this week, I tried to analyze what flips my switch between all-is-well and brace-yourselves-for-Mommy's-wrath. Not only do I want to quit being a yelling mom, I want to stop making mountains out of molehills in my own mind. 

This is a staged picture, requested by Ryan, after I found yet another piece of paper from the sticks of butter that Jason "helped" me put into our sugar cookie batter. I'm proud to say that I laughed it off, where as last week I would have really let it bug me, fearing embarrassment from the neighbors we would share the cookies with if THEY found paper in their cookie.

Here are the triggers that tend to set me off...

1. I'm overtired.
2. I'm distracted/concentrating/focused/overwhelmed.
3. We're running late.
4. The kids are bickering.
5. One of the kids is purposely unkind to another.
6. Constant talking and/or repeated questions that I've already answered.
7. A house rule has been broken and they should know better.
8. I haven't been consistent with consequences and the same issue keeps arising again and again.
9. Any outside situation that has caused me stress (an argument with Mike, a call that I shouldn't have taken in the middle of our school day, a decision I'm beating myself up for, rushing to make dinner before Ryan has to go to football practice, etc)

(The OCD part of me really wanted to think long and hard about a #10, but I really think these summarize my triggers. All nine of them. Wow, I must be a DELIGHT to be around!)

Can I control my reactions during the above situations?  YES. I. CAN. But I need an action plan.

Problem: I'm overtired.

Solution: Get to bed earlier! It is just that easy. Except for the minor complication that I'm extremely productive after 9pm. (curses!) Take time to recharge throughout the day and realize that having the kids with me 24/7 is exhausting and that not only do I deserve some "me" time, I will be a better mom for it.

Problem: I'm distracted/concentrating/focused/overwhelmed.

Solution: Plan my time better. Have blocks of time for things like Tastefully Simple, returning phone calls, lesson planning for school. Meal plan to avoid the dinnertime drama. Be present when I am with the kids or explain that I am going to be checked out for a while and that they need to entertain themselves until X:00. Set proper expectations with those around me so they can know what's going on in my head.

Problem: We're running late.

Solution: Plan to leave 15 minutes earlier everywhere we go. Heaven forbid I should ever arrive early! Don't wait until the last minute to fill water bottles, find missing shoes or tidy the kitchen.  Don't try to cram in one more thing before leaving the house.

Problem: The kids are bickering.

Solution: Allow them to work out most of their differences on their own and only referee when absolutely necessary.  If needed, separate them into their own rooms to play alone, take away the toy that they're fighting over, threaten to give them chores if they can't play nicely together. 

Problem: One of the kids is purposely unkind to another.

Solution: I. Hate. This. The mama bear in me comes out with claws sharpened! Clearly, their unkind words or actions reveal a heart attitude that needs to be addressed right then and there. Comfort the wounded and treat the offender with the respect I would give a stranger's child to keep myself from being overly defensive.

Problem: Constant talking and/or repeated questions that I've already answered.

Solution: Enforce the "three questions per car ride" rule. Encourage the kids to tell each other their funny jokes and amazing stories about the ant hill they found at the park. Relax and enjoy my children's quirks and vigor, then when my head feels like it's about to explode, calmly explain that I need some quiet time. Accept the fact that I have three very talkative kids and embrace that they probably get this trait from their mama.

Problem: A house rule has been broken and they should know better.

Solution: Realize that they should not know better. They're still little and they're still learning and they have a lot going on in their busy brains and {for some reason} my rules are not the first thing on their priority lists. Remind them of the rule again. And again. Calmly. Understand that breaking house rules is not a personal attack on me.

Problem: I haven't been consistent with consequences and the same issue keeps arising again and again.

Solution: Be consistent! And work on one major issue at a time (respect, obedience, self control, kindness) instead of overwhelming everyone by expecting perfection. This is something that I'm good at doing during school, but outside of the schoolroom, not so much. 

Problem: Any outside situation that has caused me stress.

Solution: Shelf it. Turn off the ringer and the computer during school time. Cut corners to make life a little easier and a rushed situation less stressful. Pray about it.

Understanding what sets me off and having an action plan have significantly helped me in my quest to avoid raising my voice this week. And I'm even PMSing! So think about it...what are your triggers? 

Parent Challenge: No More Yelling

I don't know when or how I got off my game, but I have once again become a yelling mom. Not always, not even daily, but way. too. often. I've been gradually trying to work on my reactions, but to no avail. When I force a smile and lower my voice and slowly repeat my request to Ryan, he gets a huge mocking smile with wild eyes that I want to slap right off his face.

Clearly, I have anger issues.

I ran across this post on an interesting blog the other day. This mama gave up yelling for a year. Heck, I just wanted to give it up for a week for my 101 Goals in 1001 Days challenge! The post lists the top 10 things she learned from giving up yelling for 365 days.

While peeking around her blog, I discovered that she has four boys under the age of 5. I've used my wild 'n' crazy 3 year old as an excuse for my mommy tantrums, feeling totally justified in my over-exhausted, maxed-out verbal expressions of frustration. Seeing as this gal's boys are more numerous and younger than mine, well to be honest, I felt pretty sheepish.

This all happened on Sunday night.  I woke up Monday morning and announced my plan to the family. "I'm going to try really, really hard to stop yelling...starting today." There. I said it out loud. So I was officially committed to this daunting task!

After lunch, Mike called to see how I was doing with my "no yelling challenge". It was then that I realized that not yelling wasn't as hard as I anticipated. What I was actually struggling with was speaking to my kids in love, even when I was exasperated and at my wits end.

Destructo-boy decided to skip his nap last week and crushed 100 water beads into a jelly-like substance all over Ryan's bedroom carpet. It took everything in me not to come completely unglued by this creative act.

This is the "before" picture of the water beads. Only a boy would figure out how to smoosh them into oblivion. 

For me, this was an epiphany. Not only do I not want to yell, what I really want is to be the type of mom who can extinguish (not bury, only to resurface later) my feelings of frustration with a gracious, loving response to not only my kids, but to Mike, too.

So this has been my quest this week. And what I'm doing is working! Wanna know my secrets?  Stay tuned...I'll share them tomorrow.  Major light bulb moments going on in this house!!!

In the meantime, are you willing to take this challenge? Starting immediately, make a conscious decision to avoid raising your voice today. And tomorrow. And the next day. Then be bold and share this idea with your spouse and kids!  Come on...it's worth it.

What does "no yelling" mean? Check out the Challenge Details with a scale for a "yelling meter" to help you gage what is okay and what is not.

Be sure to leave me a comment if you're taking this challenge!

Annoyed

This is me lately. I can't think of how long it's been going on, but this weekend, I just felt this overwhelming sense of being annoyed. With everyone in my house. All the time. 

I lacked joy. I lacked peace. I lacked grace.

I don't know what my problem was and I was so frustrated with myself earlier today that I was almost in tears over it. I've had a quick trigger, have been easily pissy and have taken an insane amount of time to calm down about the stupidest little things.

Can we just clear up something real quick? No, I'm not on my period and NO, I'm not pregnant. Those would be easy answers, but the timing is way off. 

But it does feel very hormonal in the fact that I feel completely helpless to these intensely negative feelings. 

I was over-evaluating myself today and trying to figure out why I'm craving control over everything. Maybe because I feel so OUT of control about certain things, that I'm desperately grasping for false control over others...?  This could be why I've been ripping apart my house room by room and reorganizing. Or why my expectations of Mike and the kids have been so specific and unrealistic. Or why I've been so manic about fixing my issue with my body image.

On Saturday night, Mike and I discussed the kids a bit on our date night. It seems like they're arguing their way out of everything these days, or at least trying to, and I needed it to stop. Immediately. We came up with a plan. (shocker, right?)

We decided to tie first-time obedience for all three kids to their screen time. All of the kids have become quite addicted to playing on my iPhone or iPad in the past couple of months, so figuring out their "currency" was easy. We're hoping to break them of their habit of arguing before doing things that they're asked and we also added that they'd lose screen time if they are bossy to their siblings. (this is more Kaylin's issue than the arguing, but Ryan and Jason struggle with it, too.)

I'm hoping this will lessen some of the squabbles that happen throughout the day, minimizing the gentle boil of my temper that seems ready to explode without notice. But in the meantime, I have GOT TO work on my attitude. Because seriously, this is not cool and I'm over it.

Maybe I should take up heavy drinking to take the edge off? :) 

Okay, rant over. I'm going to bed where I can't say or do anything negative to anybody. I'm hoping to wake up on the RIGHT side of the bed tomorrow. For once. (*sigh*) 

I AM Doing Something Right!

This morning, I woke up with a sore throat. Again. Forth day in a row for this nuisance that I thought I overcame last month, but alas, it is back. 

Or maybe it never really left...?

I couldn't swallow without wincing, so I made an appointment with the doctor. The last time I went to the doctor for a sick visit was 2007...we let things pass on their own around here. It took me forever to find her contact info because I didn't remember her name.

I hopped in the shower to loosen some of the crud in my airways. To add insult to injury, Aunt Flo had sent me the little gift of contraction-like menstrual cramps. Mike had to leave for work and I was very slow moving, so I was upstairs for a long while; I put Ryan in charge of the littler kids.

When I finally emerged downstairs, the sink was empty, the dishwasher was running, Ryan was taking out the trash and Kaylin was under the kitchen table with a small broom and dustpan "because the battery died on the rechargeable vacuum." Jason had just finished going to the bathroom and was able to snap his own jeans and zip his own zipper (a newly acquired skill) and the house was running like a well oiled machine in my absence. My eyes filled with tears.

My kids were getting along, they were taking initiative to do what needed to be done and weren't resentful of their big brother for being the temporary authoritarian. 

I was overcome with a sense of relief that I'm doing something right. Thank you, Lord, for that little gift of acknowledgement that all of my frustrations and headaches aren't in vain!!!! 

Panicked Today

I don't know what happened or where this came from, but yesterday, I panicked a little. It was a very quiet, private nervous breakdown that didn't last more than about 15 minutes, but I think it's worth mentioning for my own future reference.

This just a few days after a euphoric "I love my life" spell that lasted for more than a week. I feel very bi-polar right now.

What caused my panic attack? Homeschooling. For some reason, my confidence was rocked.

I had a sudden tidal wave of fear that included self-doubt questions like, "What am I doing? What makes me think that I can educate my kids? What are they supposed to be learning right now and are we even on track for their ages??? Are they seriously going to be home with me ALL of the time until they move out? What am I THINKING?!?!?" Some of the same questions many of you ask me.

Maybe it's because we've had a delightfully lazy two week break from school, then jumped back in with both feet yesterday.

Maybe it's because I've spent two hours of every morning of our break at the gym and am realizing that won't fly with our school routine.

Maybe it's because now that all of the other kids are back in school, my childless friends have tons of free time.

I have no idea what spurred this breakdown, but it passed quickly. Once we jumped back into our routine and everyone found their rhythm again, all was well with the world. Just in time for me to go out of town with Mike for four days this weekend and screw it all up again!