I've mentioned that I'm an avid watcher of Jon & Kate Plus 8, right? Well, there's a NEW show starting soon, called Table for 12. This couple has 2 sets of (older) twins and 4 year old sextuplets. CRAZY.
So there was an intro-type show about this family that I watched in my sick-and-tired pregnancy boredom the other day. While I (somewhat shamefully) often identify with Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8, I was intrigued by this new couple with the even larger family. And I formed a theory.
They were relaxed. Busy, yet very laid back parents. Sometimes the kids on Jon & Kate are a little high strung (just like their amazingly organized, yet typically over-controlling mother can be). But I noticed that the kids on Table for 12 were fairly well behaved, pretty calm and still...happy. Now granted, this was an hour show about them; much of the "reality" may have been edited out. But the 4 year old sextuplets weren't in trouble all the time or running around crazy. The poor mom goes non-stop from 6am to midnight each day, doing 8 loads of laundry and making daily grocery trips to keep up with the family's appetite. Yet she's still pleasant and patient in her dealings with the kids.
I just couldn't get past how well everyone got along and how relaxed the parents were. On Jon & Kate, their life appears to be controlled chaos. Much like I feel my life can be, but with only 2 kids.
This got me thinking about all of the "calm" parents I know. There aren't many, but the ones who are pretty laid back about life - the handful I know - have pretty well behaved kids. Not perfect, but overall good kids. The parents are pretty unemotional about crises and they don't sweat the small stuff. They use spilled milk and Sharpie markers on the kitchen counter (that happened on Table for 12) as teachable moments. As parents, they consistently put their needs on the back burner for their kids, while still (seemingly) keeping a bit of a balance.
I want a more relaxed house. I want less meltdowns and more smiles. Maybe that's too much to ask when you have a suddenly-independent and highly-emotional two-year-old, but a girl can dream, right?
So I've tested this theory. Partially out of necessity (I was in bed most of the day Friday and Saturday fighting off a cold/the flu - oh, and I wasn't allowed to take any meds - in addition to feeling nauseous) but I've been pretty intentional about it. I've said, "yes" more and "no" less (within reason). I've let the kids dirty cups and bowls for the sake of putting leaves in water so they won't die. We put rollie pollies in a bucket with rocks and twigs and brough
t them in the house to watch a movie with us. I allowed Kaylin to go out to dinner wearing her bunny ears and a bright blue wristband that looked ridiculous with her pink and brown outfit. By request, I made the kids tuna sandwiches at 9:15am. Being so sick, I've put Ryan "in charge" more and allowed him to "take care of" his little sister while I laid on the couch, immobile and dozing off. On Friday, they watched an insane amount of t.v. and their brains actually didn't start oozing out of their ears - quite intriguing.
t them in the house to watch a movie with us. I allowed Kaylin to go out to dinner wearing her bunny ears and a bright blue wristband that looked ridiculous with her pink and brown outfit. By request, I made the kids tuna sandwiches at 9:15am. Being so sick, I've put Ryan "in charge" more and allowed him to "take care of" his little sister while I laid on the couch, immobile and dozing off. On Friday, they watched an insane amount of t.v. and their brains actually didn't start oozing out of their ears - quite intriguing. And they've been content. And sweet to each other. And well behaved. Not perfect, but good enough.
Mike wasn't completely on board with this whole concept, so the kids still got time outs from Dad. But I noticed a huge change in their behavior, personally. I saw that Mike was a little stressed and a bit over-controlling about non-issues. I watched as the kids reacted negatively and saw how things could be different if handled with my new mentality.
I'm sick of having expectations that are too high. I'm ready to relax and let my kids be kids. With this pregnancy, I don't have the energy to care as much about the little issues, and I'm sure it will only get worse once the baby arrives. I'm very curious to see if my attitude will affect their behavior in the long run. Only time will tell, I guess.
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It's funny, we joke about how having child number two changed things for child number one in a really good way. I found for my own type A self that I have better kids when I'm not a freak about stuff! It seems counter-intuitive, though, doesn't it?
Oh, and I laughed about the rolly polly bugs. My son took one to Target with us the other day.
I usually have to remind myself to be less relaxed...I think I can tend too far to the ultra-laid back side of the scale. (Of course, who knows if I'd still be laid back with almost a dozen kids running around my house!) It's interesting how different parenting styles can be effective, depending on personalities of the kids and parents and family circumstances. And quite often those same parenting styles totally fail in other situations. Ultimately, I believe a Christ-centered home will be successful overall, whether parents tend toward a more strict or laid-back style. Luckily you've got that covered!
(oh, and if you're still really nauseous, have you tried zofran? it's a miracle straight from heaven...Seabands wristbands for motion sickness are pretty awesome too, for a drug-free remedy)
Good observations...something to think about for sure!
:)
i cant wait to wathc this show tonight! i love Jon and Kate but they are getitng boring to me. i think
i think the more kids i have the more relaed i get. trying to pick my battles i guess
I often think about this concept as well. Ever since I saw that lady on the TV show "18 kids and counting." She is a saint. A pure saint. She never seems frazzled and never raises her voice and her kids are so well behaved.
I know that being more relaxed has something to do with your kids being relaxed. I try and tell myself everyday not to over-react to situations.
Now if I can just get the hubster on board and convince him to choose his battles wisely...LOL!
I love this theory! You know, I've been feeling super high strung lately about parenting and the way I am with the kids lately. So I'm so glad you posted this. It actually takes more self control for me to say yes and be more laid back then it does to say no. And when I do it, it does seem to work better. Amazing concept- we relax, and so do our kids! Funny that it's not just common sense stuff. I think I'll try this out too! :) And so sorry about you being sick!
It is amazing that how you respond to a situation totally changes how your children respond. We have three young children and with each child, we gave up a little more on perfection. We are now at a point that if they are clean, clothed, well-fed and educated, we are happy. Our house can look like a tornado runs through it and our kids probably watch too much Disney but the neighborhood kids love to come over. Our kids are good but not perfect, and the sweet thing is that they genuinely love each other - they refuse to sleep in separate rooms, even though they could.
BTW, we've had pet lady bugs living with us for two days now. I fortunately got him to release the worms.
I think you are really on to something there. I was very high-strung with my first child, super protective, hovering, over thinking every thing and indulging him with holding him all the time as a baby and letting him sleep with us every night. Then when my daughter came along something happened right away which caused me to let go a little. Now I definitely will give her credit for being a patient, quiet child, but I do attribute some of her completely laid back and pleasant attitude to the more relaxed attitude I have now.
This all fits in with a parenting study we have been in at church. It is called Effective Parenting in a Defective World by Chip Ingram. In it he describes "modeling" which is the basic fact that your children will be what you are, not do what you say. He illustrated this very well for us by asking us to picture ourselves all sitting each of our children down one day in a line on our couch and telling them this- "Ok kids, I want you all to talk the way I talk, drive the way I drive, watch the shows that I watch, eat what I eat, react to things the way I react to them, pray as often as I pray, read your Bible as much as I read my Bible, treat others the way I treat them... " and so on. You get the picture. I think the same can be said for our basic attitude.
You are so right. The Goslins and the Duggars seem to mirror the basic atmosphere that their parents put out. (btw I love both shows sooo much and I haven't had access to them in a year now, I miss them!)
I have heard others say that their second children are more laid back. I think it is the direct result of the mom suddenly letting go of some of her harried obsessed attitude (most of the time out of sheer desperation) of course I also know moms who continue to strive and make things tense in their homes after 2 kids... maybe they just haven't reached their breaking point yet! lol Some women are determined in their Super-mom-ness, to sacrifice the calm soothing home atmosphere for the tightly controlled nervous and fussy atmosphere that so many of us have most of the time. Also, the laid back atmostphere I am referring to does not mean that you have to loosen up on discipline. Dis-obedience and dis-respect can still be taught and taught consistantly without making everyone miserable. These are just some thoughts I have been having lately and you made me think even harder about them. Thanks!
If I could wish a concept to one's thoughts as they anticipate a further growing family, it it this! Also enlightening - utilizing the "why not" approach. Instead of a quick no, sometimes it's quite ok to pause, and ask yourself "why not?". A mother of five shared this with me 2 months ago and it has led our family to new level of calm in certain situations, and yes, it is possible to maintain discipline and safety! There is always something golden in the use of a pause. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Your post makes a lot of sense. Hank and I are both laid back, but we really have to keep on top of our strong-willed toddler. I feel like I am more obsessed about keeping the house clean than making sure my child is 100% obedient. Anyways, that was good food for thought.
I think (as if anyone gives a hoot about my opinion...but anyway...) that ultimately it is ALL about putting God first (duh) and balance.
God gives you the grace for each situation when you need it...not a moment before...and for each child when you have them.
As long as you are purposing to teach your children about being obedient (to you and the Lord)...you can let go of so much other stuff.
Can you imagine where I would be if I was obsessed to the gills about every little thing with 8 kids?
The big stuff...health, safety, finances, loving each other...I still obsess a bit about that.
The little stuff...not so much.
My five year old wore play heels to dinner tonight...and the outfit that she wore yesterday. It was fast food..so I didn't care.
Had we been going to a sit down restaurant...I might have been a little more concerned about how she was dressed.
Most of the time...the kids really do follow your lead...if you are uptight and rigid and follow a strict schedule (I know a few moms in this category)...your kids will be unadaptable when something out of the ordinary has to take place.
Early on, I used to take all of my kids with me everywhere. They learned to be lugged and dragged and mostly well-behaved because they were constantly with me and interacting with people. I didn't have strict nap times..and didn't plan our lives around naps and meals. My kids grew extremely flexible on all of those things as a result.
I have to admit, I am not the most flexible person, but love it when we all do something spontaneous or different and my kids truly are just excited to be along for the ride! ;)
I say this:
"Everything in moderation, including moderation."
Sometimes throw the schedule out the window...sometimes stick to it and feel accomplished...but always live your life with a free and teachable spirit! Sounds like you are doing just that!
Hang in there...and let me know if you need anything!
The Maid
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