Staying Content as a Family of Five

Sad news…I'm no longer pregnant. As excited as we were about adding another sibling to our home, this one was not in God's plan. Our biggest prayer was for the health of the baby, and (although this was definitely not what we were hoping for) we truly believe that God answered our prayer.

It's been more than a week and my heart is healing. To be honest, I was sad the day that I went to the ER and found out there was no heartbeat in the ultrasound, but the next day I was feeling better, the cramping had stopped, and I thought I was doing well. 

The most annoying reminder has been my knee: the night I went to the ER, I passed out in my bathroom and fell into a crumpled heap onto the floor, landing wrong and twisting my knee. It still hurts to straighten it and I have to limp after sitting for an extended period of time. I'm hoping it will just go away.

I had publicly announced this pregnancy on Facebook (by posting the video of when I told the kids…which was hilarious) so I had to publicly UNannounce the news. It was the fastest way to avoid running into people around town and have them ask me how I'm feeling, if we know what we're having, etc.

The outpouring of more than 300 comments, dozens of private messages and texts, flowers, Edible Arrangement fruit bouquets, sympathy cards, and meals from neighbors…it was all quite unexpected. The love and empathy I felt was absolutely overwhelming. Reading through the comments, hearing about others' personal experiences with miscarriages (I even learned that one friend lost twins at 22 weeks) - it was all very emotional. I was a wreck for the better part of two days. 

Jason's sweet comments didn't help. At least once daily I heard things like: 

(while hugging my stomach) "Good bye, Baby! I can't wait to meet you in heaven someday!"

"Mom, I wish we were still having a baby."

"I really wanted to be a big brother."

"That little baby is so cute, Mom!  I said I wanted a baby brother, but I kind of also wanted a baby sister."

He even randomly walks up and kisses my stomach, then walks away. It's really sweet.

One night, I was praying with him at bedtime and instead of holding his hands, for some reason I pulled him in for a hug. I was praying about the baby and he started hugging me really tight. I lost it. He pulled back to see why I stopped praying and said, "Are you crying because your heart is broken about the baby? If you don't want to cry, you probably shouldn't talk about the baby."

A few days ago, my OB/GYN called to say that my blood work had come back and my levels were still showing that I was pregnant. I had a little glimmer of hope that maybe there was a mistake and I hadn't miscarried…? After all, my doctor's office was taking the word of the ER doctor, but hadn't actually seen any of the paperwork. They had me come in the next day for another ultrasound and, sure enough, there was nothing there. 

As I was going back out to the waiting room, the ultrasound tech sweetly said, "I'm so sorry for your loss," and my eyes filled with tears. And they wouldn't stop. I just sat in the waiting room, unable to stop crying while a dozen or more pregnant women stared at me. 

That day was the last of my hard days. Physically, my body is still healing, but I'm finally recovering, emotionally. It wasn't this difficult with my first miscarriage 12 years ago. 

One Facebook friend commented on my un-announcement saying, "We've had four miscarriages and it never gets any easier. I'll bet my kids are showing yours around in heaven!" That visual has made me smile every time I think about it.

We're Expanding Our Home by TWO FEET!

So…we have a big announcement...

I AM PREGNANT!

WHAT!?!?! I know. We're shocked, too. Even I had come to terms with the fact that we were going to forever be a family of five.

Last week, we officially saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound, so it's suddenly very real. I was on my way to getting back in shape, I had started jogging, I was eating really clean, and now I'm the thinnest I'll be for at least 18 months. (*sigh*)

But the prize at the end is worth it.

I just turned 39 last week. My body was doing such weird things this past year, I actually wondered if I was going through early menopause. No joke!  According to my doctor, I have nothing to worry about, women have perfect, healthy babies well into their early 40s. But my friends are all VERY done having babies, so I may as well be 55…that's how old I feel starting over with a baby and diapers and sleepless nights and infant seats and strollers and diaper bags and…all of it.

The kids could not be more excited. Jason, especially!  He can't wait to be a big brother and has already made two great suggestions if it's a boy: Chester and Darth Vader. Kaylin likes Claire for a girl. She tells me almost every day. They are all loving the week-by-week pregnancy app on my phone. The baby is currently the size of a blueberry…I hear about it all the time.

I've been feeling pretty blah, especially in the afternoons. It's not "we're having a girl" nauseous, I'm really pretty sure this is a boy. I remember crazy sickness and nausea with the hormones that Kaylin brought through my body. Of course, that's just speculation.

This time around is going to be very different. I am in a place of simplicity in my life and I really don't want tons of STUFF. We'll be just fine with a crib, some onesies, and a package of diapers, right?  ;) The big kids are enough entertainment for the kid, so who needs rattles and toys! Because we are completely starting over. I don't have a single thing left after getting rid of it all a couple of years ago.

Expect to hear a lot more from me now that I'm pregnant. Lots of thoughts and experiences that I'll want to document for later.

{4 Ingredient} Gluten Free Peanut Butter Chocolate Cookies

These do not fall under the "clean eating" category, but they are definitely fast, easy, and delicious, not to mention gluten free. 

I found the recipe on Pinterest and Ryan (quite literally) made them 3 minutes later. My pictures aren't nearly as impressive because they were baked by an 11 year old, but do not let these little lumps of goodness fool you. They are fantastic!

4 Ingredient Peanut Butter Chocolate Cookies

1 cup peanut butter (or any nut butter)
1 cup sugar
1 egg
1/3 cup chocolate chips

- Preheat oven to to 350*.

- Combine ingredients in a medium bowl, until dough forms. Shape into 1-inch balls and roll in sugar (optional). Flatten slightly with your hand or a fork.

- Bake 6-8 minutes.

- Yields about 3 dozen cookies.

Unable to Finish Strong

It should be noted that this wonderful, yet very surprising, pregnancy is going to keep me from finishing several of the items on my 101 Goals in 1001 Days list.  For instance:

#29 - Jog for 30 minutes straight. I was actually working up to this one, but I just can't see doing this while pregnant. I was struggling to do it before I was pregnant!  I realize pregnant people jog all the time, but I'm not them. This is getting pushed off till after the baby arrives.

#30 -Take an international trip with Mike. This is a bit of a disappointment, because we had plans!  Our good friends, who we have traveled with for beach vacations as a family, are in the process of relocated to Japan for a year. We discussed it and decided that it would be a great opportunity to take the whole family to Japan! We planned to go in the spring, right around the time I'm due, which just isn't  logical, let alone safe. (*sigh*)

#95 - Lose 15 pounds. I was working on this one and doing pretty well…the scale was going in the right direction! But now I'm going to gain it all back, plus 20-30 more to keep those pounds company. But it's all worth it.

#20 and #21 - Pray for Mike (and the kids) every day for a month

Some of the items on my 101 Goals in 1001 Days list were included to create a habit. #20-21 fell into that category.

Sadly, I had to set an alarm on my phone every morning to remember to pause and pray for Mike and the kids. But it worked!  Usually, while I'm still in bed in the morning, I'll pray for their days, pray for direction as a mom, pray that the kids will get along and that I can respond to them gracefully.

Hopefully, I'll keep up this habit because we could all use someone out there praying for us!

#70-72 - Say three encouraging things to Ryan, Kaylin, and Jason every day for a week

I mentioned last week that I've been struggling with my kids' behavior. One of the actionable items I decided to try was to avoid focusing on (OH SO MANY of...) the negative issues with each of my kids and encourage them in areas where they were doing well. 

At first, this was not easy. The selfish, nasty, disobedient moments were so glaringly obvious, and I was so incredibly frustrated, that finding the positive was difficult. I'm not that it wasn't there, I was just having trouble seeing it. 

I put an alarm on my FitBit to go off four times each day. My wrist got a little vibrating reminder thoughout the day to give the kids a compliment or point out a reason that I was proud of them. All three kids weren't always around me when the alarm buzzed, but it helped me stop and be intentional about looking for something positive RIGHT THEN in that moment. 

It's been more than a week and I've seen a great response from each of my kids. Focusing on the positive has helped them step into the role with pride. 

Unfortunately, Mike has been working like crazy, so I wasn't able to cross him off of this task (just yet) because I barely saw him enough each day to say three encouraging things to him. BUT #70-72 are crossed off my 101 goals in 1001 days list. 

Death to Super Mom

Wanna know a secret? I have gone through periods of wanting to be Super Mom. (*gasp*) Able to emerge from a phone booth with a beautifully lattice-topped pie! Able to leap large piles of folded laundry in a single bound!!  My cape would be an embroidered apron, worn backward.

Maybe it's the Type-A in me. Maybe it's because I like the occasional nod from others on a job well done. Maybe it's because I'm an only child and am an attention-hog at heart. 

Regardless, attempting to be Super Mom is a pride issue, whatever the actual reason. I feel like I've gotten better over the years, but I'm sure I still have a long way to go. I need to intentionally get out of "that mode" and focus on what really matters: the hearts of my children and my relationship with them. 

I know I've come pretty far on this journey. Ryan's birthday party is tonight and, although he chose a Clash of Clans "theme", do you know how much planning I've done? Exactly none. He wants Little Caeser's pizza for his friends…easy. He wants bowls full of horrible, processed snacks…fine. He wants a layered cake with gobs of frosting…done. 

We will have no color-themed table cloths or paper plates, no games or activities, in fact, I completely forgot about party favors until this very minute. (Uh, oops!) All he wants to do is hang out with his friends, play video games and gorge on junk food. Quite different from his Carnival-themed 5th birthday party with popcorn bucket cupcakes, volunteers to run the games, and face-painting clowns, wouldn't you agree?

It's great to make memories, it's okay to like things orderly, it's even fine to get a little over-the-top crafty from time to time, but we should all check our motives. Who are we trying to impress? How will our mood change if things don't meet our expectations? If a kid has a meltdown at the park…or that awesome new recipe is a flop at the BBQ…or if our house isn't immaculate when an unexpected guest drops by. What then?

I would challenge each of you to check your motives for doing anything on the Super Mom side of the chart above. Personally, I'm claiming DEATH to my internal Super Mom!!!

Creating Character by Focusing on the Heart

I'm going to be honest: These last few weeks have been rough. I'm not sure if the problem is that the kids aren't doing well without the structure of a school schedule…or if it's actually (through clenched teeth) ME. 

I've spent so much time thinking about what is going wrong and how I can better handle it…nothing I do to help correct the situation seems to make a difference. I think I figured out that the root of the issue is the fact that the older kids have so many friends to play with (now that school is out for summer) that Jason seems to be lost in the shuffle. His playmates no longer give him the time of day, so he acts out to get negative attention. (Just to name a few examples: cheating at games, boldly lying, whining and crying when he doesn't get his way, even walking alone to a friend's house after I specifically said he would need to be walked over by a sibling because it was too far.)

It feels like I've been taking away everything of value to get everyone's attention: screen time, friends, I even told Jason he couldn't go to his beloved soccer practice one night because I just couldn't handle his attitude anymore. I gave him dinner in his room and told him I'd see him in the morning. 

I was out of ideas. 

Finally, I sat all of the kids on the couch and we talked about character traits that we should have as Christians: Kindness. Self-Control. Honesty. Obedience. What are they? Why are the important? I asked each child to pick one to work on. The conversation ended with Jason sent to his room, me yelling at the older kids, and I was in tears. What was I doing wrong?!?!

Then I found this article, which basically said that punishment does not change behavior. Interesting…and it clicked!

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that parents with multiple children aren't constantly grounding their kids from friends or screen time for a day or a week…I was losing track of who was restricted from what just with two of my kids!!!

Then what do I do? I felt as if I've lost control as the parent.

Until I remembered Kevin Lehman's book "Have a New Kid by Friday". There wasn't enough time to re-read the entire book, but I remembered that I had blogged about the highlights years ago. It was exactly what I needed. 

I was spending so much time punishing my kids into good behavior (and wondering why it wasn't working) that I wasn't focusing on their hearts. Sure, they may behave for a while after they had their freedoms back, but their reasoning was to avoid getting in trouble again, not because it was the right thing to do. 

So I'm taking a different approach. I'm going to stop punishing my kids for bad attitudes, disobedience, and poor choices. Instead, I'm going to sit down and talk to them about what they did wrong, why it was wrong and help guide them into coming up with a better alternative for next time. I'm also intentionally going to focus on encouraging my kids in the things they're doing right instead of focusing only on what they are doing wrong. I've been wanting to cross that item off my 101 in 1001 list for months! Last, I'm committing to pray for them daily. Every morning, before I get out of bed, I'm handing control of this whole mess over to God. He's much better at dealing with it than I am!!!

This new method is taking much more time and energy, but I am positive it will be worth it in the long run. I'm already seeing small, but encouraging, results!