Comfortable in My Skin

This morning, I saw this video on Facebook. It had such an impact on me that it's been resonating with me all day. 

Do yourself a favor - please follow the link and watch it.  You will be so glad you did! It's an Australian woman who had the "perfect body" and realized that it still wasn't good enough. Nothing changed about how she felt about her body, even after working so hard to "get a taste" of what it felt like to have an amazing, toned, perfectly in-shape, magazine-cover-worthy body.

To me, the strongest words in her video were, "How am I going to teach my beautiful daughter to love her body if her mom can't do the same?" Knife. in. the. heart.

I have never been comfortable in my own skin. As a young child, I was always the tallest in my class and a little thicker than all of my flat-tummied little friends. My single mom found the funds to put me in dance, tennis, and swim team. I was clearly an active kid, yet I always knew I was "bigger" than other kids. Looking at this picture below from my 6th birthday, my negative self-image seems ridiculous.

In 4th grade, my PE teacher did an annual fitness test. We did sit ups, push ups, ran, and we were measured. I remember exactly where I was standing in the gymnasium when my friends were discussing their weight. "I'm 64 lbs," "I'm 61 - less than you!" I looked down at my paper and saw that I weighed 85 lbs. I felt huge.

Today, Ryan is the same age and weighs about the same as I did. He is a fit, active boy, and he is solid as a rock. Yet he is perfect. Definitely not chunky, definitely not thin, just perfect. Thinking back, I'll bet I was, too. 

When puberty hit, I developed quickly and boys stopped looking me in the eyes during conversations…their gaze wandered down to my chest and never moved. I had a different reason to feel uncomfortable in my skin. Thankfully, baggy, oversized shirts were the "grunge" style in the early 90s. 

In high school, when eating disorders were rampant, I compared my flaws to others' strengths, never knowing what they were doing to stay so thin. I always felt like the biggest girl in the room. I refused to cut my hair too short for fear that it would make my face look chunky. 

In college, I went overboard, gaining the freshman 15 in a matter of months, then packing on a few extra pounds for good measure. I ate Golden Grahams for lunch and Pasta Roni for dinner. It was a carb-feasting phenomenon. I can't imagine what I would have weighed if I drank my way through college, like most of my friends!

By the time I graduated, I was a healthier weight and worked out consistently, but still felt disgusted by the image looking back at me in the mirror. I was so deceived!

It seems that the pictures I look back on with envy are those around the time each of my kids was about a year old. Could it be because I was carrying around a not-yet-walking 20-30 lb baby blob all the time? I remember finally feeling fit enough to run a 5K and thinking, "That picture of me crossing the finish line must have been a really good angle - because my butt and legs look great!" Or maybe…just maybe…my legs actually DID look great? At the time, I didn't think so. 

Here I am, after four pregnancies and three beautiful children, still criticizing myself in the mirror every single day as I get dressed.

Lately, even before watching the video above, I've asked myself, "When is it going to be good enough?" And the answer is most definitely, "NEVER." I am never going to be happy with the way I look unless I consciously decide to be.

My metabolism isn't what it was in my 20s. My hips aren't what they were before I gave birth. And even if I were at my ideal size and weight, my legs are getting veiny and gravity is starting to set in. It's very possible that I look better today than I will ever look again in my life. Very soon, I will look back on the pictures from May, 2014 and long to look like I do today. Right at this moment.

I'm done. I'm done with the self-loathing. I'm done critiquing the parts of myself that are imperfect. I'm done shaming myself for giving in to a sweet treat after lunch or eating one too many cookies at a pot luck. 

I am officially, publicly, accepting my near-40 year old body. This is me and I need to deal with it. Pouchy belly, back fat and all. I will continue to exercise and continue to make healthy eating choices, but I am DONE with the negative self image. 

I resolve to become comfortable in my own skin in 2014 and stay that way. Yee Haw! I feel more free already.