Anonymous asked, “How do you settle arguments with Mike? What are the rules for a 'fair fight' in your marriage?”
(Um, Mike - is that you? Did you ask this question??? I'll bet you think you're being cute...)
If there's one thing we have a lot of practice doing in our marriage, it's fighting. I read on a blog once that the writer (a newlywed wife) thought her spiritual gift was arguing. Until recently, I would have agreed that it was mine, too. Truth be told, Mike and I have always struggled with conflict resolution. It has gotten much, much better over the years, but we have very different styles of arguing.
Off the top of my head, these are the rules that we {try to} follow during disagreements:
- No bringing up heavy topics after 9pm.
- Don't question a parenting decision in front of the kids.
- No interrupting - let the other person finish talking before making your point.
- No dragging on and on and on without letting the other person respond.
- No bringing up past issues. Stay on topic.
- When I feel my blood boiling, I need a break to cool down...immediately. I never raised my voice until I got married; not something I'm proud of, it's just a fact. It's taken me years to identify when my chest feels tight and my heart races (indicating that I'm ready to explode) before it's too late, so when I say I need to walk away now, I'm very serious.
In our relationship, I'm the one who is the wordier of the two of us (yes, that's a word) so I have to very intentionally avoid dominating the conversation. I've figured out that Mike takes a while to verbalize his thoughts and, if I don't shut my mouth every once in a while, he's never going to be "heard."
That's the closest thing to a fair fight we have in our house. The only other thing I've learned is that if I'm trying to "win," I'm wasting my time. Even when I know I'm right, if I expect a change from the disagreement, I usually need to make my points and let Mike think about them for a while before they'll sink in. It's frustrating in the moment, but it works best for us.
On a related note, SPKarenO asked, “Have you ever had to deal with jealousy in your marriage?"
Surprisingly, no. Short of Mike giving a stranger a double take and me smacking his leg to remind him that he's married, we don't deal much with jealousy. We have a very strict policy in our marriage to do things that are "above reproach." We don't put ourselves in questionable situations with individuals of the opposite sex, even if it's as simple as giving them a ride or going to lunch. (more about my thoughts on that here)
Keep the questions comin' and I'll keep answering them on Wednesdays. Thanks!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Q&A Wednesday - Fighting Fair in Marriage
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
2 comments:
Thanks Katie for answering one of my questions!
I couldn't agree with your answers more. Another reason why I so love your blog!
Big Chief and I have different arguing style as well, but luckily, he's so easy-going things don't generally get to the argument phase (much more a reflection on his good personality traits than mine!).
We have jealousy of a different form here, though. We have never once had reason to doubt the other person on a sexual level, but I tend to get very jealous of the 'love and attention' he gives his job, which at times feels to far outweigh what we see at home. I KNOW in my heart that isn't true, that he's here in the blink of an eye when it's really needed, but I think sometimes because we're so secure and confident in our relationship (both as partners and parents) that he takes for granted this will always be here, and doesn't remember sometimes he needs to impress his family as much as his bosses. It's a balancing act that we both have to work on; him understanding we're people to impress also, me understanding that what he's doing is making our lifestyle possible and only happens BECAUSE he's totally at ease in our lovely little life.
You and I may have completely different views on the 'above reproach' thing, but once again, we really do show ourselves to be the proverbial 'two peas' on everything else. I'm so proud of us for having such parallel and happy lives! Who would have guessed it, all those years ago of horseback-riding and Ranch Burgers?! :-)
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Post a Comment