Too Regimented

I didn't feel much joy today. I couldn't quite put my finger on why, until tonight.
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Since returning home from our amazing vacation on Monday, I've had a hard time getting back into the rhythm of my daily life. EVERYthing seems overwhelming and all I want to do is hide, avoiding anything productive. Methods of procrastinating include (but are not limited to): messing around on the computer, baking, playing with pictures, chatting on the phone, and my personal favorite...napping.
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Not to mention that Jason is having a tough time sleeping and has been horribly gassy this week which both equal a very. crabby. baby. I also think he's done sleeping in his car seat, which is very inconvenient considering Kaylin's pre-school drop off and pick up times are both during his morning naps. And I'm doubting everything with him this week: Did he get enough sleep? Did he eat enough? Did my milk supply decrease on our cruise? He looks so big all of a sudden...does he need more food? What's that smell...is he gassy again? He hasn't pooped in a few days...maybe he's constipated. (TMI) Is his onesie too snug? Maybe I should move him up to 3-6 month clothes. Should I go back to swaddling him? Is he too big for his bassinet? Maybe he's no longer comfortable in it. I am usually NOT a worrier, but I have questioned myself in every area with Jason this week. It makes me feel so insecure...all because I was gone for a few days and wonder if he got into or out of habits while I wasn't around to notice.
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It's amazing how a lack of sleep and all of the emotion that goes into that last paragraph can take the wind out of my sails.
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By the end of each day this week, I was so drained. Tired, both mentally and physically. I wasn't keeping up with my daily responsibilities as a homemaker. My growing to do list was sitting, untouched. I barely threw something together for dinner each night and it was such a chore to do so, that when Mike walked in the door, my attitude was horrible. My patience was gone and so was any joy I had mustered up throughout the day.
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Keep in mind that if you have seen me or spoken to me, I probably seemed fine. Because interacting with others energizes me and helps distract me from my daily responsibilities as a wife and mother.
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But underneath, I've been struggling. I emailed a few friends to whine; they emailed back and called with encouragement. They told me (as usual) that I was trying to do too much. But in reality, I was just trying to keep up and do the bare minimum and even that was too much.
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On Thursday, I was listening to K-Love (national Christian radio) and they read The Love Dare challenge for the day. (I've been out of the loop; apparently they're going through the book every day on the air) It was something about changing the way you greet your spouse when they walk through the door. Putting on a smile and welcoming them warmly, no matter what kind of a day you've had.
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But...but my days have been so tough. I don't have an ounce of extra happiness to spare. It's all used up. Gone. Being warm isn't possible after the days I've been having.
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Or is it?
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This challenge was quickly forgotten that evening. And the next. I'm not angry or bitter when Mike comes home at night, just...weary. With no desire or energy to cover up my exhaustion.
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Let's put that epiphany on the back burner for a minute and fast forward to dinner tonight. I should mention that meals in our house are a challenge and dinner is especially tense for me. As I've made it clear, by dinnertime, I'm tired. Mike's had a long day at work. We're all hungry. The kids are excited to see Daddy. Kaylin is the pokiest eater on the planet and she chooses to be silly and get into trouble with Ryan instead of consuming anything on her plate. While Mike wants to encourage her to eat, I am so petrified of accidentally swaying her toward a future eating disorder (yes, I'm totally serious) that I don't want to push her one way or another. We give her a time limit to eat, she knows she can't have seconds of anything or dessert unless all of the food on her plate is gone, and once dinner is over the kitchen is closed. Period. I feel no need to repeat any of these things 100 times or slowly eat my green beans telling her how delicious they are. If she's hungry, she'll eat and if she doesn't eat enough, she'll have a ton of breakfast in the morning. I'm all about natural consequences.
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Sorry - tangent.
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Back to dinner tonight: Ryan was being especially silly. He was antsy because Mike had been watching football while the rest of us were napping. He had been bored and was thrilled that Kaylin was finally awake to play with. He wasn't necessarily doing anything wrong (except trying to distract Kaylin) but it was annoying me. We had less than 30 minutes before leaving for church and the kids weren't eating. I caught myself feeling more and more anxious, reminding the kids of this or that, not enjoying the time together as a family at all.
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And that made me sad. Why couldn't I enjoy that time? Why was Ryan getting on my nerves? He was just being a kid. Why couldn't I relax and appreciate his love for life?
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It was at that moment that I realized that I've been too task focused. Too regimented about dinner, household chores, appointments, responsibilities, life. I've been so tired over the last few months that I've lost my joy. Not completely, but more often than not, I don't take time to see the joy in situations. To find joy in my children. To step back and let things happen naturally. To allow life to happen without being in control of the how's, when's and why's.
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That's it! Oh man, light bulb moment. I have felt so out of control since Jason's been born that I'm trying to over-control everything possible. DUH! I need to let it all go. I need to give it to God.
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I was just reminded of this...have you seen it before? I posted it a couple of years ago.

Good Morning! This is God.

I will be handling all of your problems today.
Please remember that I do not need your help.

Have a great day!

I suddenly feel so free. Even in typing this, I've had a couple of revelations. Let's recap:

1. I need to stop over-controlling and hand things over to God.
2. I need to change the way I interact with my family because they are more important than ANYthing. This includes finding joy in my children and welcoming Mike home with a more pleasant attitude, no matter what happens during the day.
3. I need to quit worrying about Jason and reclaim my mommy confidence.
4. I need to make a list of 3-4 MITs (most important tasks) to do each day and let the rest go.
   
5. I need to RELAX. Not physically, necessarily, but relax my brain. Calm down. Shut off my racing thoughts of not doing enough and not being enough.
   

Wow guys. Thanks for listening. (well, reading...you know what I mean) Getting this out of my head was so incredibly helpful! It's been bottling up all week. Maybe longer. It seems like I finally have my prioritizes straight and I'm ready to get things back on track.

Whew - it feels good!