Bully Prevention

Yes, that's right...we're a month into Ryan's first year of public school and it's already happened: we've had a run in with a bully. I didn't think Kindergarteners were capable yet, but it seems that I'm completely naive.
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Last week, Ryan came home from school and casually mentioned that a kid called him a "baby." I found out he's in another Kindergarten class and that he also rides Ryan's bus. I got the impression that he called him a baby at recess and again on the bus, and Ryan said that the bus driver told Ryan he could change seats to sit farther away from the kid. I took the opportunity to remind him of what he learned this summer at church about forgiveness: don't get even, do the opposite. Kids can be mean, that's life, as Christians we need to display kindness, blah blah blah. It was a great teachable moment. And I thought it was over.
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The next day after school, he tells me, "The mean kid was mean to me again today. His name is Aden." I guess he overheard the bus driver say, "Aden, leave Joe alone," so Ryan isn't this boy's only target. This time, Aden didn't call Ryan a baby. Instead, he walked over to Ryan on the playground while he was building a sand castle and kicked him in the hand. According to Ryan, he said, "Don't kick me again" and Aden said, "Okay," and walked away. (I'm assuming Aden was trying to kick his sand castle down and kicked his hand instead. That makes the most sense from a kid's perspective, but who knows?) I reaffirmed that he did the right thing: to stand up for himself without retaliating.
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When Mike heard the story, he immediately started teaching Ryan to block hits and defend himself physically, which I can kind of understand from a man's perspective, but if two kids are going at it on the playground, by the time an adult shows up, both kids will get in trouble. I was at a loss for how to properly guide Ryan using our fundamental Christian values of forgiveness and using our words, without raising a wimp.
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At this point, I decided to email Ryan's teacher and let her know what was going on. Being that this is our first child, I have no idea how schools handle these situations. Are there formal rules against bullying? Are there consequences? Do they handle each case individually or have a zero tolerance policy?
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That was last weekend, so it took the teacher a couple of days to get back to me. In the meantime, Ryan (again, casually) mentioned to Mike that he saw some kids playing baseball on the Kindergarten playground (they're separated from the bigger kids) and stood in line to have a turn. I guess the other kids were from Aden's class and were all friends and yelled at Ryan to get out of line, then Aden picked up a bat and started swinging it at Ryan to chase him out of line. It was a plastic bat, mind you, but still. What on Earth?!?!? Now my kid is being chased with a baseball bat???
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The resolution came Monday morning when both Aden and Ryan's teacher spoke with Ryan to get his stories. At first, Ryan didn't want to say what happened (because Aden was sitting right there) but the teachers assured him that they want all of the kids to feel safe at school and he finally opened up. A note went home with Aden to his parents and every day this week, Aden has left Ryan alone. Ryan's teacher also said that all of the Kindergarten teachers would have a talk with their class about bullying and name calling and explain that it's not acceptable. I'm glad that's over, for now.
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What's ironic, is that the first day when Ryan came home and said that he was called a baby, a flyer was in his backpack for a free "Bully Prevention Class" at a nearby martial arts studio. Mike and I signed Ryan up for the class this morning and I'm SO glad we did!
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They addressed resolutions that I didn't know how to verbalize to Ryan and gave the kids valuable lessons to deal with bullies. The class had kids 5-10 years old, so it was a pretty broad age group, but the lessons were the same for all of the kids and I want to share what they taught us. (they asked the parents to sit in the back and attend as well)
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First, they explained what a bully is and that the reason they pick on other kids is because they are jerks, not because there's anything wrong with the other child. (kids offered reasons why they get picked on: having glasses, liking to read, being too tall/too short, looking different in general, etc.) The instructor stressed that if you get picked on in school, there is nothing wrong with YOU. I really liked that he concentrated on building the child's confidence because confident kids have an easier time letting things roll off their backs than insecure kids.
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Next, they roll-played one instructor poking another instructor. The "just walk away" technique didn't work when the bully simply followed the victim, continually poking them. They had the kids practice being polite and saying, "Please stop poking me," then said that if that doesn't work, say firmly and loudly, being bold and using eye contact, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" The volume wasn't necessarily a shout, but the intent is to get the attention of a nearby adult and to let the bully know that you're serious and can stand up for yourself.
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The next step after telling the bully to leave you alone is to tell an adult or teacher. And if you're at school, they stressed telling your parents when you get home. They went through several examples of "telling" vs. "tattling" and the "telling" examples were all when someone is at risk of harming themselves or someone else. Or as we call them in our house: "safety issues." They really stressed that telling an adult about a safety issue is NOT tattling, no matter what the other kids call it. It seems that whenever kids tell an adult anything, they're often labeled a "tattle tale," but for safety issues, they made sure they understood that it's not only okay, it's absolutely necessary if the behavior is going to get corrected.
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They also went over what to do if another kid is getting bullied or picked on. The advice was the same, but you're supposed to skip being polite and tell the bully, "LEAVE THEM ALONE," then take the victim by the hand/arm and pull them out of the situation. If they're getting hit or beat up on, they suggested telling a nearby child to get an adult and go over and shout at the bully, "STOP HITTING THEM!" to draw negative attention to the situation. They addressed the common thing most people do: standing there to watch as a crowd gathers. They explained how this is unacceptable if you want to keep the bully from getting away with this kind of behavior. I loved that they taught the kids to not only defend themselves, but to help others in need.
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The last thing they did was teach three very easy self-defense moves to get out of situations where they might be hurt. The first was if a kid grabbed their wrist with one hand, the next was if they grabbed their wrist with two hands and the last was if they grabbed them by the shirt with both hands or put their hands around their neck. All of the response moves got the victim out of the way of the bully quickly without hitting back or hurting them. This part of the class was very hands on and hard to explain in writing...I wish I could! They practiced each move with each child and with all of the moves, the child was to firmly and loudly say, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" and walk away to tell an adult, after they get out of the bully's grip.
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The information in this class was awesome. So great, in fact, that we signed Ryan up for a month's worth of sessions to learn more. They made the class fun for the kids while being firm with them (they answered, "yes, sir" or "no, sir" as a group whenever they were asked a question) while giving them tons of positive reinforcement and building their confidence. We had planned to sign him up for flag football this fall, but missed the boat on that, so decided this would be a wonderful activity for Ryan to learn self-discipline, self-control, self-confidence, focus, respect for others and even a few more self-defense strategies.
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The whole Aden situation spooked me because Ryan is not a passive child. He speaks his mind and stands up for himself and knows to tell an adult when there's a safety issue. But in this case, he didn't. He did tell me (thank goodness!) but there wasn't an adult nearby on the playground when his hand was kicked or when he was threatened with a bat and it scares me that it didn't occur to him to tell a teacher! Kids act differently in peer situations than they do at home, that's for sure.